The Tale of a Sociopath Part 2

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Yesterday I told you about my experiences with a sociopathic ex boyfriend, ‘A’. I had met him at university through a mutual friend. There had been a few things that we had bonded over during our first few weeks together. I had been brought up with a violent father, and he told me he had been sexually abused by his step-father, who his mum was still married to, and that his real father was his mum’s gay best friend who lived down the road from us and who we saw regularly. He had issues, but I wanted to help him. I trusted him. Over time he started to become more and more emotionally and verbally abusive. I found myself living with him in a house that his parents had bought for him, and my self confidence was at rock bottom. I believed I loved him, that our relationship was worth the time, and so I ignored the warning signs that were telling me that he was damaged.

It took an weekend for things to change.

He was working as a manager in a store around the corner from our house. He had complained that morning that it was going to be a long day and that he would have to work a double shift as one of the other managers had been sacked for stealing, so he wouldn’t be home until about 11.00pm. I felt sorry for him as it was a Saturday and he had worked really long hours that week already, and was worried about his health as he had told me that he had been diagnosed with skin cancer. At about 5.00pm I made him some sandwiches and decided to take them to him to cheer him up. When I arrived he wasn’t there, and his place was a young female that I had never seen before. At that moment I knew. I knew something wasn’t right. Without telling her who I was, I asked if she had seen him, and she told me that he was ‘in the pub with B.’ I knew B – she was an absolutely stunningly beautiful girl who had started working there a few months before. A had mentioned her a few times, often joking about her lack of intelligence and her strong accent.

I went to the only pub that I knew he would be in and looked in through the window. There he was, sitting in a T-Shirt and jeans instead of his uniform, with his arm around B. They were cuddled up in one of the booths, kissing.

I was dumbstruck. I had been told that he had cheated, but had never seen the proof for myself. I toyed with the idea of running into the pub and confronting him, but instead decided to walk away and calm down.

There is no better detective than an angry woman who has been lied to. I got home and summoned my inner Columbo, and I started to go through his stuff. I found a wage slip, and discovered that he didn’t have the job role that he claimed to. Instead, he was working for minimum wage, and had only been working for fifteen hours a week, instead of the full-time hours I thought he had been doing. In one of his drawers by the side of the bed were debt collection letters as he hadn’t been paying the bills, despite the fact that I had been giving him half from my student loan every month. Lying underneath them was set of gold female jewellery that wasn’t mine, and a pile of notes that added up to about £400.

I heard a beeping sound, and I checked the drawer below. He had left his phone behind, I’m assuming so I wouldn’t be able to contact him during the day. I couldn’t believe it – this was the holy grail. It was the days before the development of social media and smart phones, so he didn’t have a password. Shaking, I opened his messages. Even after everything I knew about him deep down, even I was shocked by what I saw.

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Message after message from women. Declarations of love, filthy and highly descriptive messages about what these people wanted to do to him and how they had enjoyed seeing him the day before and couldn’t wait to see him again. One message struck me in particular, and I’ll never forget it.

“Take care of yourself today. I always worry about you when you have to work. It’s such a dangerous job.” This was followed by crude messages about truncheons and the like. He had obviously told her he was working for the police.

I looked at his sent messages. The last one he sent was to B. It said “I’ll see you at 1. The stupid cow is at home. Love you.” She had responded with “ok hunny, love you too.”

His response? He shrugged his shoulders, telling me I should have kept my nose out of his stuff and that I should have trusted him. He denied everything, despite the proof, and our argument went around in circles for about an hour. The wage slip was an older one, and he was a manager now. The texts were sent by his friend as a joke. The money was from the money I had given him, which he was going to use to pay the bills. He didn’t know anything about the jewellery, it must have been mine (it wasn’t). I confronted him further about everything else he had told me, including what he had revealed about the abuse that he had suffered at the hands of his stepfather. He laughed at me and then denied ever saying that and that I must have been some sort of sick, deluded individual to make that up.

Being 23 years old, and with nobody to back me up, I used the only weapon I had in my armour. I told him that I was going to ring his mother and tell her what he had told me, about the abuse, ask her who his real father was, everything. He responded with “go on then” but when I picked up my phone he tried to take it off me, only stopping when I threatened to call the police if he laid a finger on me.

He broke down in tears and started to talk. He lied. He lied about everything. His mother’s husband was his real father. He hadn’t sexually abused him. He hadn’t been in the band. He didn’t have cancer. He had cheated on me, many times. He wasn’t earning the wages that claimed to have. He had even lied about silly things, like the fact that he had passed his driving test years before, which I discovered that he hadn’t. The jewellery was his mother’s, that he had stolen from her house, along with the money. He even admitted that on a daily basis he had given me little lies that made his day sound more ‘interesting’ and ‘exciting.’

And the best thing I had ever heard in my entire life – he went out with lots of other women so that he could figure out what women like and therefore he could be a better boyfriend to me.

I listened, but by this point my brain had started to wander. I’ve always considered myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, so how could I have been so stupid?

I told him it was over. He stopped crying, shrugged and said,

“Whatever. You’ll never find anyone as good as me anyway. Fat bitch.”

I moved into the spare room. I had nowhere to go, I was emotionally exhausted, and I remember lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. Everything had become clear – all the little lies and inconsistencies finally fell into place. The next day, I got up and he greeted me with a friendly ‘morning gorgeous’ and tried to give me a kiss, as if nothing had happened. I told him I was going to move out, and then went to my room. He went ballistic and followed me, ranting and threatening me outside my door. Unbelievably, during one of these rants he screamed that I had used him and that he was planning on asking me to marry him. He started calling me a ‘stupid fat bitch’ and ‘a waste of oxygen’ and that I ‘deserved to be alone’ because I was an ‘irritating lazy cow.’ I then realised just how delusional he actually was – he clearly had no perspective on reality. That evening, I found the lyrics to James Blunt’s ‘Goodbye My Lover’ handwritten on a piece of paper outside my door.

Within two days I borrowed money and had moved into my own house with my cat. I was in such a rush that I left half of my belongings behind. I didn’t tell him where I was moving to, although he tried to find out on a few occasions.

Best decision I ever made.

I then discovered that karma was on my side. Karma can be a bitch…

54 thoughts on “The Tale of a Sociopath Part 2

  1. Tried to write a comment!
    Nope! Couldn’t! Deleted it…
    tried again… no, gibberish…
    what could one say after reading this?
    This is waaaayyy to f’d up! Even reading this made me terrified!

    I can relate to the fact how one would start to think how stupid they had been… I have called myself stupid many a time for not seeing the truth… And sometimes it is hard to forgive this stupidity to oneself… hmm

    And feels like there will be a Part 3?!

    • It’s really strange looking back on it now how I let him get away with it for so long! I have always felt stupid about it, but I don’t blame myself as such, I just want to go back and kick the old me for being so naive!

      • Oh yes, I totally get you.
        And it is a bad feeling to have- this guilt.. or regret for being naive?! But sure, look, no one could have seen it coming.. Not you and not any of these other girls that were also fed his lies.
        Funny thing with relationships- we always go into them with the determination to make them work and not be quitters without actually clarifying the limits of how far are we willing to go…
        I have an experience with a .. I don’t know, would I call him a stalker? Seemed like a really nice guy and we weren’t together for an awful long time, but when I moved out of the country he kept sending me like 20+ messages a day about how he will find me and chop me up and cut me so bad no one will ever want me for leaving him… while we really weren’t together in the first place. Scary!
        Those experiences do stay with people for a long time.. especially the “bad taste” of “how did I not see this coming?”
        I can definitely say that after the threatening texts I was and am very suspicious of people, and of making new friendships in real life. You just really never know who you’re dealing with…
        But up and on-wards we go and thank gods for the lovely genuine people in our lives! 🙂

  2. Wow! At 23, you were very wise and very strong. At 23, I imagine I would have thought I could love him enough to heal him. I probably would have also believed that I was a fat b*tch. And the song lyrics would have made me think he really did love me after all and just needed to learn how to behave. I always love to hear about karma, because it doesn’t always come around as fast and as visible as we would like.

    • The problem was, I did believe it. I still do – I often get told off for putting myself down. I’m 32 now, and I still can’t believe I actually put up with that – the 32 year old me would have left years before! Hindsight and life experience is a wonderful thing!

  3. Wow! What is it exactly that makes people this way? Try could have decent parents and still end up this way. It’s really sad. I happy you got out of it! Do you have any idea what he’s up to these days (I always wonder if they “grow out” if this twistedness and become normal at some point…)

  4. I’m going to show my niece this post, Suzie, because she went through much the same as you have and tells me that she still loves the guy!!! She won’t give anyone else a chance. Any man showing the slightest interest in her and she’s off like a greyhound. I and others have told her that she is wasting her life away on this guy, but it’s like she has put this huge wall up around her and won’t let anybody through.
    You are so brave sharing this event with us and I know that at the very least it will help somebody to get away and close the door on the emotional blackmail they are experiencing.
    Thank you so much or sharing this with us.

    • Thanks Hugh – I’m sorry to hear that she is going through that… I really hope it helps. The only problem is that it has to be her that needs to come to her senses, and that may take a while…

  5. That is just crazy. Wow. That’s all I can say. I’m looking forward to part three…brilliant idea, splitting it up like that. Frankly I appreciate the break between posts…too much in one sitting.

  6. Don’t kick yourself too hard. Sociopaths are incredibly liars, and they have no problem shifting the blame to you for their problems. It’s shocking that he told so many lies. Most of us would not be able to live with ourselves.

    This post was beautifully-written, and I’m intrigued to hear the next part of the story!

  7. I’m so glad you got out safely. Can’t tell you how angry it makes me that people get away with ill-treating others like this and breaking their spirit so it takes years for self-confidence and healing before they become complete again. I agree with the others; you are an awesome, strong woman! Will be waiting with baited breath for the wrath of karma!

  8. Pingback: The Tale of a Sociopath | Suzie81 Speaks

  9. Wow, ten years ago. I said it then and I’ll say it now. TWAT. Remember when he came into the pub in Stourbridge where I was and started texting you. Or that night we went out and he picked us both up.
    Such a bell end.
    Karma can be a bitch, but it learnt to be a bitch from me.

  10. I think one of my favorite lines in here was about finding your inner Columbo. I think you handled this far better than many. You were as calm as possible and got yourself out of there without letting him hold things over you.

    You are amazing.

  11. “…figure out what women like and therefore he could be a better boyfriend to me.”
    I know these kinds of people. They can’t be reasoned with politely. Trust me, I have an experience in giving the right treatment to such pricks.
    The only mistake in your part (in my opinion) is that you were too much considerate. That is a very good quality but you can see how dangerous it can be too.

  12. Thank you. You made me realise a lot of things from a past relationship where I still felt bad about “hurting him” for leaving. Now I’m not sure about the hurting part at all and it does make me feel better.

  13. They know all the right words to say, and they lie as effortlessly as you and I breathe… Nothing leaves you feeling as empty and confused as being in an abusive relationship. I felt like a shell of a human. Good for you for getting out as quickly as you did. Some women stay trapped for decades. Great posts…

  14. I can’t believe this happened to you. What a jerk!!! From the little I know of you, I know you don’t deserve this kind of treatment and I am so, so glad you got out of it.

  15. Bit late to the party on this, but I’ve just recently discovered your blog. Reading these has been like taking a peek into my own past – a past I’ve yet to ever speak of aloud, save for the dribs and drabs I’ve managed to share with my husband over the years. I have mad admiration for the bravery it took to share this with us. I’ve spent many years wondering at my own stupidity, and how easy it is to accustom yourself to poor treatment after being told time and time again that it’s the best you deserve.

    • Thanks so much, and please forgive the late reply! You weren’t stupid, you just didn’t know. and on he positive side, now you do know, you’ll never accept it again – it’s a lesson learned. That’s the way i’m seeing it for me anyway.

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