29 Things That Television Has Taught Me.

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1. Walking down the street in Carrie Bradshaw’s outfits will make people think I am a style icon and try and emulate my fashion sense.

2. Teenagers in America, particularly in Stars Hollow and Capeside, posses a mastery of complex vocabulary. I work with hundreds of teenagers every day and if I can get a ‘nah, man!’ out of them I’m doing well.

3. New York City is an affordable place to live and all apartments there are beautifully decorated and spacious.

4. It is possible to be in the vicinity of the murder of hundreds of people in Cabot Cove, New York and Ireland, and not once be considered a suspect. Jessica Fletcher is a master criminal.

5. The louder the TV chef, the more unhealthy the food.

6. The bumbling idiot will always have a beautiful wife.

7. Your best friend will forgive you for kissing his girlfriend after you have sat in a box and thought about what you did.

8. There are seven basic erogenous zones.

9. James Woods likes candy.

10. It is possible to live solely on junk food and coffee and maintain a supermodel figure without doing any exercise.

11. A wanted criminal can be found anywhere in the world with just a partial fingerprint, a reflection in a window and a few random clicks. Ultimately, they are going to be linked to a terrorist group.

12. Groups of friends from High School will go to the same college, and will be accompanied by one of their teachers and reception staff.

13. I am a bad person. I should be donating to the RSPCA, NSPCC, Red Cross, UNICEF, the WSPA and the Humane Donkey Society. I should also be sponsoring a snow leopard, a tiger and several children across the world.

14. A criminal with a machine gun can miss their target a million times. However, a policeman with a Glock will get a perfect shot every time, and never run out of ammunition.

15. Parents will never notice if a boy puts a ladder up to their teenage daughters window at night.

16. Doctors are hot. Super hot. With perfect hair.

17. He is NOT the father.

18. All locks can easily be picked with hair grips.

19. Spies can travel across the world in less than five minutes without any form of jet lag.

20. Heartbroken women who have just ended their relationship will always go back to the place where she and her ex first met.

21. Emotional breakdowns will cause somebody to walk about in the rain, without an umbrella.

22. The same group of friends will be able to sit on the same couch at the same table every time they visit.

23. Despite the fact that all the evidence a law enforcement officer or amateur sleuth has against a suspect is purely circumstantial, the suspect will admit their crime in the end and give full explanations as to why they did it.

24. When in jail, it is a good idea not to insult the chef’s food.

25. The underdog usually gets the girl in the end.

26. Childbirth is quick and newborns emerge looking about five months old and fast asleep.

27. When given the choice of a career opportunity of a lifetime and a relationship that has failed repeatedly, the relationship will always win.

28. Large couches should never be placed against the wall.

29. It is possible for beautiful women to go to sleep, get up, go to work for a full day and then out to a party at night without once having to do their hair and make up – this automatically remains perfect at all times.

 

What  about you guys? What things have you learned from the television?

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64 thoughts on “29 Things That Television Has Taught Me.”

  2. Ha! Those are all true! I learned just last night that you can crawl through a sewer system without getting one speck of dirt on you and come out perfectly coiffed.

  6. This is hilarious! One thing I’ve also learned is that not only are apartments in NY beautiful and huge and affordable, but you an live in one and never have to work. Ever.

  7. All TV dads are dumb. Also in Tge entire country of England there are only about 5 actors and actresses that are in every show.Btw I’ve been watching a ton of British shows on Netflix over the past 8 months. Some a few years old and others that are current. Wish we could have a conversation about them.

  8. AAAAHHHH lol these are great! I was thinking about #29 while I was reading your post and then found it. Also, when you kill someone, they can scream at the top of their lungs in a city while you are doing it and you can shoot them 12 times with a gun that holds 6 rounds and NO ONE I mean NO ONE hears it LOL . This was great, thanks for it.

    oh if you eat a snickers you won’t be hungry and you are immediately a pro-skateboarder.

  13. Some places don’t have bugs or birds or other animals that can come in through open windows — because there are never any screens on windows in houses on TV and in movies. If I have even a small tear in a screen, I’ve got bugs in my house. One time I took the screen out for a couple of hours (long story) and had chipmunks and birds come in. I love your list (but I still like “Friends”).

  14. Great list! 😀
    TV has taught me that the whole nation has a problem with teeth, menstruation and food.

    And from movies I have learned that the hero NEVER leaves the damsel in distress “unshagged”!

  17. You can bounce back and forth between brothers, friends, what have you and they never completely force you out of their life for being a horrible person.

    You can absolutely spend every night at a bar after 30 and drink and drink and it wont affect your work life at all!

    Everyone hangs out all the time and never gets so sick of each other.

    No one runs out of money. “Hey man I can’t do that fun thing next epi…I’m broke.”

  20. You can live in a little village like Emmerdale, or a street like Coronation Street, or a square like Albert Square and, along with everyone else, can have a full time job that pays great money in that very village/street/square – in some cases without hardly any customers!

  23. Maybe Central Perk just has bad business and they are the only customers?

    How about, employers never check resumes or such when hiring a person who is not the least bit qualified for a job?

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  29. First, one that is sooo true. Golf is the best nap program on the air!
    Second, I learned not to watch that much TV anymore. I have enough reality of my own.

  30. This is so funny. 🙂 I would add that you can always wrap up a mistake with a moral everyone learns from before something humorous happens and most people forget what they just learned.

  33. There’s an evil Monkey in my closet.

    Kanye West is a gay fish.

    Murder cases get solved within hours and sometimes if it gets REALLY delayed, days.

    Some how CSI Miami has software that can pick a logo off a mans polo shirt that is being reflected off of a mans shades that was caught within the camera from an ATM.

  34. hahaha.

    hmmm. Okay, let me think.

    1. Something watching me on night, and it make me watching ‘them’ back.
    2. When the TV presenter/culinary host (what does it call on english, anyway?) didn’t say anything after they taste the food, it means the food far from yummy.
    3. the ‘unseen’ really unseen. XD
    4. It’s hard to be that ‘so funny’ everyday.

  36. Too funny Suzie!!!
    Also …. You can know ALL your neighbours!
    … its relatively easy to get a whole house made over in a week!

  41. I believe I recognize a fellow FRIENDS fan here. 🙂 I love your list.

    I’ve learned the second guy or girl the detective talks to says he or she didn’t do it, but they really did.

    Make-up solves most problems.

    People can be famous for just being famous.

  42. Clearly we are wasting money on teachers and schools when all they need to do is sit in front of the tv and learn from the Kardashian Einsteins. Funny post. My favorite is the OITNB reference. Or was there another chef insulted in another prison?

  44. Someone’s been rewatching Friends 😛

    #5 is blatantly untrue. Witness Ina Garten: she speaks softly and uses no less than a gallon of heavy cream per episode.

    #16 In the US, yes. We actually have a requirement, but only for ER and other docs working out of a hospital. Uggos must work in clinics or leave the country in order to practice. Some go into research, I’m sure, but pharmaceutical companies won’t have them in any sort of visible role so there’s limited potential there.

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