We’re all individuals and we all have our own little quirks and insecurities that collectively contribute to our uniqueness. I have plenty – I accepted these years ago and make no apologies for them – they are part of my own character and personality, and while there are things that I would like to change about myself I generally like the person that I am.
When we meet new people and start to develop relationships, it is often the case that we try and ‘hide the crazy’ during the initial months – the honeymoon phase of getting to know a potential life partner is all about giving the best impression possible and it’s rare that we will show our vulnerabilities and share our deepest, darkest secrets. It’s only when we start to truly relax with someone that the real us starts to emerge.
Unfortunately, that also means that we see the hidden crazy in the other person too.
It’s a bit of a long standing joke between my friend and I that he brings out the crazy in women. He’s never had any trouble meeting beautiful women, and initial impressions of them all have been that they are intelligent, successful and lovely people. However, after a few months these women have turned into needy, insecure and game players.
I haven’t had much experience in the world of dating – I’ve been in a long term relationship with The Bloke for years and haven’t had that many boyfriends (in my opinion anyway) before him. Most of them, except one, were nice, caring men who treated me well. However, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t seen my fair share of quirks, liars and downright crazy in my short-term relationships.
1. I was dumped by a guy without warning. He let me know that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me by putting the phone down on me when I rang his house. No explanation. It transpired later (when his friend told me) that he was annoyed that I’d told a mutual friend that he was upset that his dog had died. I still don’t know how to respond to that.
2. I went on a weekend away with a boyfriend. We had a lovely first day – we explored the area, had a laugh, ate a gorgeous meal and I was relaxed and happy when we returned to the hotel. I was, however, shattered, and wanted to go to sleep. When I told him I wasn’t ‘in the mood’, he had a tantrum: a full blown, stamping his feet toddler tantrum. Genuinely, he stamped his feet on the floor. I went to sleep, and we returned home the following day in silence.
3. An ex-boyfriend hated the way I ate. I eat with my mouth closed and don’t make any noise, but he claimed that he could hear every chew that I made and refused to be around me if I ate anything that had any form of crunch to them.
4. I really liked a guy that I met through a mutual friend. After flirting for a while, we kissed. He stopped, looked me right in the face and said “I’m sorry, I’m gay.” This was the first time he’d told anyone. He was in his 30’s and had worked with my friend for several years, who had no idea. He chose the exact moment he kissed me to ‘come out.’ While I’m always pleased to hear somebody has the courage to do this, I’d have preferred it if he’d mentioned something sooner.
5. I was asked out by an extremely attractive man when I was in college and couldn’t believe my luck. On our first date he picked me up in his car, and I noticed that he had tapes (I’m showing my age here) of Britney Spears and Les Miserables on his dashboard, which he said were his sister’s. It was eventually revealed that the car actually belonged to his girlfriend.
6. An ex-boyfriend HAD to make sure that the toilet paper was placed on the holder in a particular way, and would get agitated if it wasn’t to his liking.
7. I was excited to go on a second date with a man with whom I’d enjoyed a wonderful first. I bought a new outfit and spent ages getting ready, making sure that everything was perfect to the last minor detail. He took me to a Needle Museum. Yes, I spent two hours wandering round a museum dedicated to the history of sewing needles in a pair of knee high boots, a short skirt and a halter-neck top. He then complained how bored he was all the way round. While I don’t wish to sound ungrateful that he wanted to try something new and he had put effort in, it would have been much better if he hadn’t been so bloody miserable during the whole thing.
8. A man that I had started dating started texting me one night, asking where I was. I was at home, and told him as such, but he didn’t believe me. He bombarded me with text messages for half an hour, accusing me of seeing somebody else (which I wasn’t), and only stopped when I threatened to call the police. The following day, at SIX IN THE MORNING, he knocked on my front door, offering a Tupperware box of homemade vegetable soup as an apology. I simply closed the door.
9. I had been in a relationship with a man for a few months, during which he had been the perfect gentleman. I went to his apartment one evening for dinner and he had cooked a beautiful three course meal. However, when he brought me out the starter he whispered something in my ear. I didn’t hear him at first, and asked him to repeat it. This was genuinely the conversation I had with him.
Him: There you go my little b*tch.
Him: You’re my little b*tch. You’re going to be a good little girl aren’t you. Eat up, little b*tch.
Apparently, this was his idea of sexy talk. It wasn’t mine – every internal alarm bell I had went off. I left immediately and never spoke to him again. He genuinely didn’t know what he had done wrong.
10. An ex and I broke up because he had started to sit outside my workplace in his car all day and started to get quite possessive and clingy. After we separated he turned up at my friend’s house that she shared with her partner in tears. He ended up staying for a cup of tea, he put some shelves up for them and left. MY FRIEND LIVES TWO HUNDRED MILES AWAY FROM HIM AND HE HAD ONLY MET HER ONCE BEFORE. He drove two hundred miles so he could cry on my friend’s shoulder. She, and I never heard from him again, although a mutual friend informed me that he’s got three kids now.
11. An ex was looking after my cats for the day. When I got home that evening, he proudly presented me with a newspaper article that he had written about the cats experiences, complete with photographs and captions. He was 21 years old at the time.
12. And finally, the ultimate: a man that I was in a relationship with, who I was in love with, was conducting a relationship with me while his girlfriend of three years was travelling around Australia. I was unaware of this, and when I found out, I got rid. The girl moved back in with him upon her return, completely oblivious of the relationship that I had experienced with him.
What about you guys? What dating disasters have you experienced?
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Loved these. It’s just as well you managed to find a normal one to stick with.
Thank you! I’m pleased a found a (fairly) normal one too!
Suzie, I am sorry to say that these experiences are hysterical! I know they weren’t for you at the time, but Oh my goodness! Makes me glad to be married 30+ years! Now, I know why women are waiting longer to get married and I don’t blame you! ❤
Haha! Congrats on having a successful marriage – there are few that make it past 30 years! Must have been destined to be…
Dude I am so glad it hasn’t just been me with experiences like this!
Haha! Oh no – what have you experienced?
Oh god where do I begin… the online date where the guy who was supposedly 6ft, fit and lovely was 5ft3 and smelt of cabbage. The guy who tried to say he had been raped (by a woman 1/3rd of his size) to excuse cheating on me. The same bloke also snogged another girl to “find out his true feelings for me” as if he got upset then he knew he cared about me.
Oh theres the guy that was married. And the guy that always said he wasn’t hungry but then proceeded to eat half of whatever I bought/ordered myself. ….
I have had at least a dozen dating disasters lol
I would have given the cat reporter another chance 😀
Haha! The cat report was one of a list of things that he did bless him – I didn’t dump him because of that alone…
I am divorced and perpetually single. All my dating stories are disasters, eventually!
My mum divorced my dad after 23 years. After going on a few dates and having a short-term relationship that ended because her new boyfriend was not over his ex-wife she decided that she had had enough of men and relationships. She claims she’s happy with that, but I always hope that she will meet someone nice who will make her feel special.
What’s wrong with 11? He sounds like a keeper.
I’d say that perhaps number 11 *needs* a keeper. That’s as far as I’ll go.
Isn’t that what every girl wants – a man who creates his own newspaper articles about cats?
This was the clean version… It gets much worse!
Wow, those are some crazy stories! I have encountered some weird guys in my dating life, but it’s mostly just been with guys I went out with a couple times. It was almost never in long term relationships.
There was one guy I hung out with maybe two or three times, and he called me and left a voicemail when I didn’t answer (I hadn’t heard my phone ring). In the voicemail, he was drunk, crying, and saying he loved me…um, awkward!
Another guy I went on one date with. We were going to see a movie, but before we went to the movie, we stopped at his place. He took out a photo album of all the deer he had killed (he was a hunter), and showed me the pictures of dead deer, one by one. In the photo album he had photos of a horse, and it turned out to be a horse he bought while dating his ex. The dog at his place was shared with his ex. He talked an awful lot about his ex. I cemented my decision never to see him again when we were at the movie and he whispered to me, “There are a lot of Asian people here,” and looked around the theater as if that fact was a problem.
I could probably write a loooong post about my dating disasters…
Hmm, an avid hunter afraid of Asian people. No way that could end badly, eh?
No way! I “noped” right out of a second date with that one.
That all sounds pretty bad – I’d love to read your post about it! It sounds like you’ve had some really interesting experiences with the crazies!
Yes I have, I may just have to gather up some stories! It was so much fun reading your stories!
The last one… OUCH! Poor you. 😦 I’m glad you got rid! There’s nothing worse than a cheat!
I’ve had a few dating disasters myself, the worst I can remember was a date involving too much alcohol and vomiting into the lap of my date… but that was like 12 years ago, I was young, naive and couldn’t handle my alcohol…obviously! :-\
Great post 🙂
Bahahaha! I’ve never vomited on anyone (that I can remember anyway), but I have had to jump out of the way to avoid getting vomit on my shoes when my boyfriend has vomited.
Yeah the last one was a mess – took me a long time to get over that one. Ironically, we’re sort of friends now!
There’s something about vomit and shoes! They tend to go hand in hand! But YUCK! I’m glad you managed to dodge the vomit.
It sounds like a messy one, but at least you are amicable – I guess it could be worse! I’d want to throw sharp objects at him if he did that to me!
Wow, you have had some “doozies”! Some were frightening. My only previous experience at a serious relationship before my husband was through a dating agency (i.e., I paid a lot of money to meet this creep). He turned out to be a married man, separated from his wife with 2 little children. He was unable to keep a job, and he asked me at one point if I would pay his child support if he were out of work, and he wanted me to promise I’d never want children. This was my first serious relationship. It only lasted a few weeks, and I was the one to break it off. As I got a little wiser, it occurred to me that this relationship was not a healthy one. My Mother (desperate to have me finally meet someone) encouraged me to go out with him, saying, “well you don’t have to marry him!” Looking back now, I wish I’d never met or dated him at all!
I’m sure she’s a lovely woman, and only wanted the best for you, but I can’t help feeling someone should sit your mother down and have a chat with her.
She’s gone now, but I think she meant well. At that point my Dad had just passed away and I think she was afraid I would be alone. I had never dated so she was trying to give me a push to get me “started”.
He sounds like a bit of a mess bless him. The problem is with partners that have been married before and have children when you don’t is that they’ve already been there and done that, and sometimes don’t want to go through it again. I’m glad you found the right person!
I am married now for the second time to a woman I’m lucky to have. And my first wife was also a very good person with whom things simply didn’t work out (because of me as much as because of her). I am a relationship-oriented person. But if anything ever happens to my current wife, I will gladly spend the rest of my life alone rather than dip even a toe into the dating pool again. Those are murky, murky waters, and that’s all I have to say on the subject.
I don’t know what I would do if (god forbid) The Bloke and I were no longer together. I can’t imagine having to do the dating thing again – I don’t think I would cope very well!
I AM the cat reporter! And be sure to put that loo roll on properly–that goes for the paper roll dispenser as well!!!
Wow! You must have them just queuing out of the door to meet you haha!
Many female cat reporters about. I go down the line passing out loo rolls to narrow them down. 🙂
#3 obsessed with the way others chew? Sounds like someone who appreciates human beings to me. 😉
The ‘stitched together’ meme is delightfully creepy.
Haha! I feel a bit sorry for that girl in the meme, but I think she’s made a fair bit of money from it!
Love your quirks and insecurities, Suzie!
And I loved this post!
Thank you my lovely! Thanks for all the likes and RT’s on Twitter too!
Wow, some of these are….I don’t even know. lol #8 raised so many red flags. Good thing you shut the door on him!
It’s something nightmares are made of – really creepy! His reaction literally came out of nowhere – everything was fine and then one night he suddenly switched…
This post wins my award for the most amusing piece I’ve read all day. I laughed out loud at the ‘little bitch’ guy. I think my mascara smeared from the tears of laughter! Enjoyed reading about your experiences in the dating game!
Thanks Kate – really pleased you enjoyed it! I think he genuinely thought he was being sexy… He sounded like Hannibal Lecter!
My goodness! You should write a book about these dating disasters! I’ve never heard anything like your collection…and from one person, no less! It’s enough to make anyone swear off of ever dating!
Haha! Thanks so much for your comment Corina – I seemed to attract the ones with issues…
“Intelligent, successful, lovely people”- we have very different memories of these people. You pulled it back with “needy, insecure game player”!
They were intelligent people – just hiding the crazy for a while!
Haha, thanks for a great giggle 🙂 I’m sorry you’ve had your fair share of crazies, but I guess it makes for a good laugh later on! Hold on to your ‘keeper’ – no more adding crazy stories to your list 🙂
Haha, thanks! Really pleased you enjoyed it! I’ve certainly got stories to tell people – not sure I want so many though!
Wow, you were due for a good one, weren’t you? Glad everything has worked out for the best. I think Britney Spears tapes would have been enough to turn me away not matter whose they were.
I haven’t had any funny/bad dating stories I can share. Just a whole heap that haven’t quite worked out. 😦
Thanks EJ – surely that’s a good thing? A least you haven’t had to scratch your head and think ‘what the hell just happened?’
WOW! Veggie soup guy would have been enough to put me off for life
The sad thing is that his soup was actually really nice haha!
I too had to laugh at these! I don’t have a lot of dating disaster stories; I didn’t date very many guys. But I did have terrible bar stories. I actually quit going to one place or refused to go there without “protection” because all the freaks were attracted to me like mosquitos to exposed skin. Awful. Lol!
Worked in bars and nightclubs for years – you’ve just given me an idea for a post! When alcohol gets involved the crazy turns into scary!
OMG, just OMG………………… you poor girl
Haha! Thanks – everything’s good now though – thank goodness!
Your #3, who couldn’t stand the sound of your chewing, most likely had a neuropsychiatric disorder called misophonia. The person is hypersensitive to certain sounds and usually from someone who is close to them. I know because I married one. She hates my chewing and my typing on my computer keyboard.
You’re really clued up on this sort of thing Phil – you always have good explanations for things! I just thought he was an arsehole…
Looks like you’ve had the luck I’ve had…though I can write something on my three failed marriages…(I’m on number 4 now and it’s not looking to good either)
Marriages are much more serious – there’s crazy that it makes it more difficult to run away from! Sorry to hear about your marriage – hope it gets better soon!
These are absolutely hilarious! I once dated a guy in college that only wore super-hero boxers/boxer-briefs because it made him feel like he could “conquer the day. ” Thank God I did not have to act out any superhero “fantasies!!!”
Bahaha! So he didn’t make you dress up as Wonder Woman?
Haha no….thank goodness! He did buy me Wonder Woman panties for Christmas though…he would always ask when I was going to wear them. Such a weirdo.
Haha! I live with a comic book geek and Marvel fan, so it wouldn’t surprise me if a pair of Marvel inspired pants turned up at Christmas…
These are too funny! I’ve had a few like this. Ick! I came over from Community Pool to say hi. http://lilypupslife.wordpress.com/
Thanks! Thank you for coming over from the Community Pool – I love it on there – so many new blogs!
Oh these are hilarious! I like the sound of cat newspaper guy though, and it makes me wonder what else he did. He sounds pretty adorable. At least you have a few good stories to tell, AND you ended up with a keeper. Bonus points! Haha!
Cat newspaper guy also believed that he didn’t need to use a map because he could just ‘sense’ where things were. Seriously. The weird thing was – his directions always seemed to work!
He seems like a nice (slightly unhinged) guy! Haha!
He was quite a bit younger than me and the only male child in a strict (but lovely) catholic family… Unfortunately I got him at the point where he was just getting his own life. He’s married now – I still bump into him occasionally in the most random places and thank my lucky stars that it isn’t me wearing the wedding ring!
The strangest date I ever had involved going back for coffee and being told to pull my trousers and underwear down while the other guy went and got his vacuum cleaner. Lets just say that when he came back into the room with an old fashioned handheld vacuum cleaner in his hand, I was out of his flat before any dust had time to settle. I always remember him by the name of ‘Henry’.
Oh. My. God. That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day!
It was reading your post that bought back the memory. I don’t think I’ll ever publish a post about that story, but who knows? A few bottles of wine one evening and it could just make it to my blog 🙂
Haha! There’s a few posts on here today about things that I would love to talk about but don’t have the nerve…
I haven’t dated in so long so I have lost my memories but yours were very funny.
Hi Suzie – Your collection of rare men sounds like one of those Victorian butterfly displays – except you don’t have them gassed and pinned in a frame on a wall in your house.
You could have kept them all (somewhere safe) and started a circus or a show. Like this Insect Circus http://bit.ly/15GIgAu but with humans. Not sure what you could have called it – ‘Suzie’s Selected Specimens of Singular Manhood’? ‘My Collected Men’? ‘The Cat Reporter in Company’?
They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the handsome prince, but it sounds as if your prince is worth it.
All best wishes
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Oh my gosh – I love the unabashed honesty in your description of all these experiences! Love it !
* ( And thanks for stopping by!)