For M

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What do you say to your oldest friend when she loses her mother?

I’m sorry.

I’m here.

Thinking of you.

Is there anything I can do for you?

I’ve searched the Internet for poems and quotes that may inspire me, but it all seems so patronising and full of cliche. I don’t want to talk about heaven, or the fact that she isn’t in pain anymore. I can’t pretend to understand how she is feeling right now.

J was a wonderful woman, and a wonderful mother. She was warm, kind and generous. She always made me, and all of M’s friends feel welcome, and we all loved her almost as a second mom. I could talk to her about anything, and did whenever I saw her. I remember her fabulous sense of humour, and how much she made me laugh. It was a privilege to know her, and I know that she’ll be hugely missed.

Love you lots x

 

45 thoughts on “For M”

  4. Pingback: For M | suzie81speaks | Echo Chamber Uncut

  5. I think that all you can do is to be there for her, try to take the strain a little, make sure that she is eating properly, for example. But there is no right answer in such a sad situation.

  6. You’ve already written it out, Suzie;
    ‘J was a wonderful woman, and a wonderful mother. She was warm, kind and generous. She always made me, and all of M’s friends feel welcome, and we all loved her almost as a second mom. I could talk to her about anything, and did whenever I saw her. I remember her fabulous sense of humour, and how much she made me laugh. It was a privilege to know her, and I know that she’ll be hugely missed.’
    If I was to die tomorrow I would love one of my kids friends to say that about me.

  7. I lost my 2nd husband when I was 33, my father at 34 and mom at 42. There were 2 things people did that made all the difference. (1) Listened no matter how many times the same thing was repeated, and (2) A card with something about something remembered.

    I remembered that the trite 1-size-fits-none wording on cards were kind, but the ones that helped me through the hardest times were like your last paragraph–a personal statement about how she touched your life and how, as long as others remember her, a part of her still lives in each of you.

    That’s all I have to offer.

  9. I feel your friend’s pain and this is a very nice post to remind others of the simplicity of listening and being there for someone who has lost someone. I would like to say, M, I am sorry of your loss of your mother. She is a hard person to replace so hold her in your sweet memories.

  10. Everyone above has giving you the right advice. Having recently lost both parents, I was particularly touched by the specific stories–“I remember the time when…” But overall, just to hear that my family was in people’s thoughts and prayers meant so much to all of us.

  11. I’m so sorry for you and your friend’s loss – just knowing that they are in their thoughts is usually more helpful than people realize…

  16. Well, I think you got your answer above. Speak about what J meant to you. Be there for your friend without attempting to fix her pain. Presence is your gift, and she will heal in time.

  18. My own mother is very ill. What you wrote is perfect. Also, one of the worst things to hear is “let me know if there is anything I can do”. It’s overwhelming when your parent is sick or has passed away and the answer to that is cure my mother’s disease or bring her back. Don’t ask – just do. It will mean more to her than anything. Just being there is important.

  19. I lost my mother when I was 20.
    Just be there for M, hold her and let her cry, shout, rant or be silent. Just being there is enough. You sound like a great friend Suzie, don’t be hard on yourself.
    Love to you and M and her family.
    Kat x

  21. I lost my mother just a year ago. My best friend was there for me and I didn’t need her to say anything, I just needed to know she was there, I just needed her to listen when I needed to talk. You can’t take away the pain but you can make your friend feel less alone just by letting her know she is not alone. I know you’ll do fine.

  22. My mother died a few years ago, and I have no remembrance of anything anyone said on the days before of after the funeral. I do remember the people that were there with my wife and I, who called to see how we were, I remember the people that cried with Annabell ( my wife) and who brought food for myself and the children because they believed we wouldn’t feel like cooking and the children needed to eat and take-away every night is not healthy. I don’t think, Dear Suzie, that people are really all that impressed with words but they are more impressed with deeds. By the time you read this, you will have done what you need to do so any advice would be superfluous and whatever you felt was right you will have done it with love and compassion, because that’s who I think you are.

    • Thanks so much Edgar – I’m so sorry for your loss. Apologies for the late reply – yes, I did what I needed (and wanted) to do, and I think you have some brilliant advice that I’ll continue to remember…

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