I love Eurovision. It’s one of the highlights of my year, behind Christmas and the start of the summer holidays, and The Bloke and I make a big deal of getting in the snacky treats and alcohol and generally having a laugh at the nonsense that is spewed out each year.

Tonight we watched the #EurovisionYouDecide, the contest in which the UK votes for their favourite to represent us in the competition. The winners were ‘Joe and Jake,’ former contestants from vocal talent show ‘The Voice,’ who, while they seemed like nice people, the song wasn’t offensive (and nothing could be more offensive that the god-awful sh*t show we put forward last year) and they could sing in tune, they were lacking in what my mother refers to as ‘oomph’ – that power and presence that makes people want to stand up and yell YEEEEAAAAH when the song has finished. It was vanilla ice-cream, without the vanilla. And they were the best of a ‘meh’ bunch.

For me, Eurovision has not been a rewarding experience over the last nineteen years. We’ve tried everything, including the boyband (Blue), the world famous crooner (Englebert Humperdink), we’ve even shoved Bonnie Tyler on stage in a desperate attempt to get back into Europe’s favour.

Alas, it has all been in vain. Quite simply, Europe hates us.

So, while I want to continue to be in the contest, I think we should stop wasting an exorbitant amount of money on it and put forward things that people seem to like.

For example, who hasn’t almost cried laughing at Bon Jovi’s duet with the goat?

And what about the singing banana?

What about the African Desert Frog?

And the trio singing ‘You Raise Me Up’

Or the rather randy tortoise? He provides his own percussion too!

And if all else fails, why don’t we just spend the money on reuniting One Direction for a single performance? (Seriously, you have to watch this)

I’m looking forward to the contest. Of course, I want Joe and Jake to do well, but I’m not expecting much. That is, unless Joe and Jake bring out a randy tortoise in the middle of their performance.

Let’s face it, it couldn’t be worse than Gemini, could it??