Toilet Humour

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I had a day off today, so decided to spend a bit of ‘me time’ during the afternoon in between my usual social media tasks. I had a lovely nap, watched some Netflix with the cat (who was obviously enthralled by the way he was snoring in my ear) and then arranged to meet my friend for our weekly catch up in the local pub.

She was on her way back from work so I went upstairs to get changed, during which I went to the toilet before I left the house. Our toilet has been faulty for a while – the mechanism inside doesn’t always work which means that we have to wait for the water to fill back up and then manually stop it ourselves. It’s not a major inconvenience, but needed fixing and has been on the ‘to do’ list for a while, along with another bajillion tasks that we don’t seem to get round to. Continue reading

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Penis Balloons

I’m slightly concerned about the search engine terms I’ll receive after this, but I couldn’t resist…

I have two house cats that are getting quite old. One of them has Type 1 diabetes, and needs twice daily insulin injections to make sure that her blood sugars are regulated. Consequently, whenever I go away, I need someone to administer her medication, as putting her in a cattery would be too stressful. Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who looks after them for me, and she very kindly agreed to be on cat-sitting duty while The Bloke and I went to Scotland for a week.

All week, she’s been sending me pics via Facebook messenger to ease my worry on how they were. As we were driving back, she sent me a message to ask what time we would arrive home. It was an exhausting trip, and The Bloke and I were incredibly relieved to be back.

We opened the front door and walked in to this… Continue reading

Things I Wish I Had Learned in School

imageA while ago, I created a list all the useless things that I learned during my school years. This prompted a number of conversations with friends about what we felt we should actually have learned all those years ago that would be relevant to our present lives. Of course, financial insights into mortgages, loans and interest rates were at the top of our lists, but after a while the inevitable silliness took over. Here are some of the best:

1. How to work my bedroom blinds. I made the wrong decision at university – instead of a music degree my time would have been better spent learning how to pull my blinds up without them being uneven or falling back down again. They’re the bane of my life.

2. How to stop spending my money on useless crap. Even now, despite attempting to be much more frugal with my earnings, I can still leave the house with £30 in my purse and return with no money, nothing to show for it and no knowledge of how I have spent it.

3. How to fix a photocopier. The photocopier at work is the most complicated piece of machinery I have ever used. It contains so many components and parts I suspect that it was secretly designed by NASA, and it clearly has a grudge against me. I could be watching it for several minutes while the person before me does 50 copies, but the minute I put my paper in it shuts down and has a tantrum. I follow the instructions carefully to locate where the paper jam is, only to discover that there is no paper anywhere to be seen. I’ve heard of dog and horse whisperers, does this mean there are photocopier whisperers? Continue reading

Tales From Behind The Bar

imageWarning: This post contains adult content

Of all of the jobs I’ve held over the years, one of my favourites was working behind the bar in pubs and nightclubs. Any job that involves having to deal with the British public, particularly when alcohol is involved, is always challenging, but despite it being a physically and mentally exhausting job, I loved it. I loved the staff, the interaction with the customers, the music and the atmosphere – it was almost like being paid for a night out.

I found that the same characters appeared in every establishment – the permanently drunk and often abusive regulars who assumed that their regularity commanded special treatment over everyone else, the fighters, the snobs who looked down on the staff because they were in a service job, the business wannabes who were trying to impress their boss by buying expensive rounds whilst loudly guffawing at a poor joke that their colleagues were making, the coin tappers, the ‘oi I’m next’ impatient men in their early 20’s, the underage, the people who became incensed when they were refused service despite the fact that they could barely stand up by themselves, the men who would try and chat up the staff in an attempt to get served quicker, the homeless who would sneak in to use the toilet and would block them with truly enormous poops (requiring a ‘poo stick’ to unblock them)… It was a truly glamorous job at times.

However, ten years since I last stood behind a bar, there are still a few characters that are still memorable.

Miller Man: This guy turned up every Friday night with a different beautiful woman on his arm each week, despite having a face like a badgers arse. He ordered two bottles of Miller, then spent the rest of the evening feeling his date up in the corner. I came to the conclusion that he possessed one of three things: an incredibly charming personality, massive wallet (highly unlikely considering that he only bought two bottles of beer each night) or a massive… ahem… mini Miller Man hiding down below.

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Hot Chocolate Man: He was short and stumpy and always ordered a hot chocolate without marshmallows. We didn’t serve marshmallows and told him so – it was a Wetherspoons – but he continued to order the same thing every time he came in. He also happened to be one of the biggest drug dealers in the area.

The Angry Men: A couple of men, who were incensed at being removed, decided to steal a 4×4 from the car park outside and smashed it through the front doors of the nightclub. Thankfully, nobody was hurt, but the club went into lockdown and we were all moved into the main room in the middle of the dance floor.

Mr Pervert: This man seemed to think that my boobs were trained in pouring pints. It wasn’t uncommon for men to order their drinks whilst staring at my chest, but this guy made it obvious. In fact, he never looked anywhere else during the entire process – he may as well have just shoved his face in between them. I initially thought he may be slightly autistic, but when I saw him making eye contact with his friends, I realised that he was just a perve.

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The Eternal Cryer: She would arrive each week looking beautifully made up, she would be smiling and laughing with her friends and obviously in the mood for a good night out. However, every time I saw this woman at the end of the night she was crying – her make-up had run down her face and she was snotting on the shoulder of one of her friends. Clearly she couldn’t handle her alcohol – it made me wonder why she bothered to put make-up on in the first place.

Stan the Eunuch: Stan was my favourite bouncer – he was 6’8″ and despite looking very intimidating (mainly due to the fact that he was built like a brick sh*t house) he was a true gentleman, that is, until he had to remove someone from the club. Stan had balls of steel in both a literal and metaphorical sense – one of his party tricks was feeling no pain when kicked in the nuts. He wasn’t wearing any form of protection (don’t ask me how I know that). I tried it – he didn’t even flinch. I’m convinced he was a eunuch.

The Urinator: One guy at the end of the night seemed to take ages when ordering his drink. I found out later that his delay was caused by the fact that he was busy urinating down the front of the bar and couldn’t multitask by talking at the same time. Classy. I really enjoyed cleaning that up at three in the morning…

Mr E: He arrived every Saturday night and despite being searched on a number of occasions it was clear that he took lots of  ecstasy. He spent the entire night every week dancing around like a frog-in-blender (arms and legs everywhere) and sweating profusely, only stopping to down pints of water at a time before returning to the dance floor.

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Miss No Knickers: I don’t care what size somebody is, but I always think that it is important to dress for your body type and look classy. This woman was beautiful, but her outfit of choice was a neon Lycra mini-skirt, a bra and a pair of shoes. That was it. Let’s just say that when she bent over it was obvious that she had forgotten to put underwear on, and unfortunately she liked to bend over a lot. One of the greatest things I’ve ever heard came from my colleague, who promptly yelled ‘pull your skirt down, you’re winking at me!’ during one such instance. I almost died laughing.

The Guitar Man: He clearly had mental health issues and walked into the pub regularly with a guitar on his back, usually shouting about something. He couldn’t play the guitar, he just liked to carry it around. I still see him occasionally in Birmingham City Centre. He’s still carrying the guitar and still shouting. It makes me wonder what sort of support he is getting…

The British Chippendales: We hosted them for a performance one night at the club, and at the time I was working in the VIP section where they were ‘preparing’ themselves. At the tender age of 18, I saw far more of those men than anyone who had paid to see them that evening, and I have never looked at an elastic band in the same way again.

imageMr Tips: The British are not renowned for their tipping generosity. However, the same guy would order a bottle of Coca-Cola at the end of the night, which cost £1.70 at the time, he would hand me a £20 note, told me to keep the change and walked away. I chased him down on a few occasions to try and give him most of his change back – the usual tip we received was £1.00 a time – but he always insisted that it was fine. I liked him. I liked him a lot.

What about you guys? Do you remember any characters from your places of employment  over the years?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Dating Disasters – Run Away!

We’re all individuals and we all have our own little quirks and insecurities that collectively contribute to our uniqueness. I have plenty – I accepted these years ago and make no apologies for them – they are part of my own character and personality, and while there are things that I would like to change about myself I generally like the person that I am.

When we meet new people and start to develop relationships, it is often the case that we try and ‘hide the crazy’ during the initial months – the honeymoon phase of getting to know a potential life partner is all about giving the best impression possible and it’s rare that we will show our vulnerabilities and share our deepest, darkest secrets. It’s only when we start to truly relax with someone that the real us starts to emerge. Continue reading

Alternative Ideas for Christmas Presents

Warning: adult content

It’s the season for gatherings, celebrations and showing your loved ones how much you care by giving them meaningful gifts and over the years I have been extremely lucky to have been spoilt with things that have been thoughtful and useful from my family and friends.

While it is always important to remember to be grateful and remind ourselves that it it is the thought that counts, there are always those items that make us stop and scratch our heads when presented with them. A friend of mine once told me that she was given a book on tropical plant care from 1984 by a relative – it was a nice idea, except that she lived in a one bedroom apartment in the UK with no garden or even a balcony, where the climate is far from tropical, and she has never owned or maintained any form of plant life except a persistent patch of mould in her bathroom.

Have you run out of ideas? Are you looking to give entertaining presents to someone in your life? Here are a list of ideas from Amazon.com, along with a helpful review to assist you in your decision making.

 

image1. A Gentlemen’s Ball Scratcher

Price: £11.67

Useful for? Any man who struggles with scratching himself in those hard to reach areas.

Review: I’ve been using the ball scratcher for almost a day now, but have to say that it should be used with care. It seems to have upset several of the people whose balls I’ve tried to scratch with it. Maybe it’s best kept for personal use. (Harold Moldsworth)

 

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2. Sigmund Freud Action Figure

Price: £49.99

Useful for? Children who think too much, psychology students, Action Man fans.

Review: This Freud toy makes a perfect addition to my Action Man collection. Now, after playing with my Action Man figures, they can come back from operations for a session with the esteemed doctor and deal with any post traumatic stress they may be experiencing. He proved invaluable after a particularly vigorous play session, when my favourite Frog-Man Action Man nearly drowned on manoeuvres in the bath. After untangling him from the plug chain and reviving him with my Field Doctor figurine, a quick session with Sigmund and he was ready to go back out into theatre and tackle a dangerous black-op in the garden pond. The sessions did bring a few issues to the surface (from the barracks during basic training) but that in turn led to a better understanding of why he joined the Navy instead of the RAF; and also why he enjoys the feel of his rubber suit and gimp-like breathing apparatus so much. (The Truth)

 

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3. Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross

Price: £2,500

Useful for? Those who are looking to transcend the drudgery of daily life and seek out enlightenment, Paul Ross enthusiasts.

Review: WOW! I’ve been looking for a 20 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross since my (completely inferior) 18 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross was damaged during a Barium Enema. Thankfully this Canvass really is excellent. The quality of print complements the sheer majesty of Paul’s cherubic face. For a while I considered mounting a large number of these on my ceiling to create a Paul Ross canvass ceiling but unfortunately I realised that this is what my wife would be staring at during our frenzied horizontal moments, and what kind of a man can compare to Paul Ross in the bedroom? “No-one” I hear you cry! I’ve ordered four of these now: One of them is above the fireplace and is naturally the pride of our entire home. On the second canvass I’ve cut out the section where Paul’s face is, and when I drive to pick up the kids I wear the canvass and pretend that I’m a famous celebrity dad, the kids simply love it. The third is purely for recreational purposes, I’ve cut a whole where Paul’s mouth would be because my wife has demanded that we French kiss through the hole (I want to point out that I wear the canvass for kissing, not her! Although I’d gladly turn for just one of Paul’s tender mouth hugs.) The fourth is a backup. In summary – hot shot city is a particularly good track. (Mr M.P. Corner)

 

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4. Suduko Toilet Roll

Price: £5.99

Useful for? Those who view visits to the toilet as an educational experience.

Review: This product is an excellent idea, but ultimately flawed. At £6.95 a roll, I couldn’t bear to use any of the sheets until I had completed the puzzles on them. While my suduko skills have been improving with practice, the effectiveness of the product’s primary function was somewhat reduced after having to complete an hour or so of puzzle-solving before application. Also, Doreen was rather severely unimpressed when I proudly showed her my solution to a particularly tricky puzzle that I had salvaged from a watery grave. (Wayne Redhart)

 

image5. The Vagina Colouring Book by Tee Corinne (crayons not included)

Price: £6.41

Useful for? Biology and erotic art students, aspiring illustrators.

Review: I bought the C*nt Coloring Book after coming across it in Stephen Fry’s latest memoirs “More Fool Me”. I was intrigued. Fingering through the book exposed bold, well defined vaginas of varying size and hair growth. The annual household game of Christmas “charades” is now replaced by a colouring competition. The winner receiving a packet of ginger nut biscuits and a jar of Branston original chutney. (David Curtis)

What about you guys? Have you got any ideas for alternative Christmas presents?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

 

How To Decorate Your Man During the Festive Season

2014 has certainly been the year of the beard and photographer Stephanie Jarstad has taken this hairy celebration to a whole new level. While supporting Movember she created a project that would continue to highlight men’s health and prostate cancer awareness in the form of DecemBEARD, photographing festively adorned men in all their fuzzy glory. The results are superb.

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Like what you see? You can purchase pictures of these bearded lovelies and more from Stephanie’s Etsy store in the form of Christmas cards and poster prints.

What about you guys? Do you decorate your loved ones during the holiday season?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks.

Photo Credits: Stephanie Jarstad

If Suzie Were a Meme

In her most recent post, the ever fabulous ‘The Bloggess’ introduced me to a new craze on the Internet, during which the subject is required to type their first name followed by the word ‘meme’ and see what appears on Google images. I decided to jump on the proverbial bandwagon, and this is what I discovered:

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How did they know? I got my iPhone 6 the other day after my old faithful one promptly died on me after three years, and I have barely put the thing down!

 

image Damn right.

 

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I’ve never given anyone cooties (or anything else for that matter), but I did turn someone gay just by kissing them about eight years ago. Well, technically he was obviously gay before he kissed me, but he did choose the exact moment we locked lips to come out. I’m always pleased for anyone who has the courage to do so, I just wish he hadn’t told me mid snog. The mutual friend that we had gone out with that night had worked with him for years, and even she didn’t know.

 

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I’m not sure why I would be annoyed at this… I’m always supportive of anyone who looks after their body. I show my support by sitting on my couch and eating crisps. I’m doing it right now.

 

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Erm… Thanks?

 

Finally, did I ever tell you how much I love SpongeBob?

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Give it a try! I’d love to see your results!

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.suzie81speaks.com

Note To Self

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Yesterday I decided to edit my Facebook account, deleting unwanted photographs and removing people that I haven’t spoken to in over a year.

Inevitably I ended up trawling through my previous status updates, going back as far as 2007. What I noticed was that I seem to post similar things in patterns, one being in the form of a ‘Note To Self’ whenever I had done something particularly stupid that day. I thought I’d collate some of them and share them with you…

Ten Notes To Self:

1. When feeling inspired to cook, follow the instructions exactly and avoid substituting ingredients for ‘the next best thing’ because you can’t be bothered to go to the shop. This will prevent the resulting meal from tasting like vomit.

2. There is such a thing as too much garlic.

3. Drunkenly calling a man from Birmingham a ‘yam yam’ (slang term for a different area) in a chip shop in the early hours of the morning is not a good way to make friends, even if he insulted your accent first…

4. Wearing those shoes will be fabulous for the first five minutes. The rest of the night will be spent in utter agony. Next time, stick to flats…

5. When cooking a Linda McCartney lasagne it is a good idea to remove the plastic film from the top first. This will prevent your food being ruined and your oven from smelling like a plastics factory.

6. Do not allow your friends to film you during your drunken karaoke performances. Watching the video the next day will completely destroy the misconception that you were actually any good.

7. Replacing the word ‘Stingray’ with ‘bin bags’ in the Stingray theme tune and singing it loudly when you put your rubbish out will very likely cause your neighbours to think you have issues.

8. You may know all the dance moves to Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies.’ However, your version closely resembles that of a frog in a blender. Stop doing it when you’re on a night out – people are beginning to pity you.

9. Happiness is not found in that unbelievably massive chocolate bar. However, cellulite is and you’ll spend the next week regretting it, however yummy it is.

10. If you have to be up early the next morning it is not a good idea to watch YouTube videos in bed… Two hours sleep is not a good way to start the day.

I think a huge facepalm would be appropriate at this point… Or just this – a look similar to the ones I receive from The Bloke on a regular basis.

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What about you? Are there any notes that you need to write to yourself?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Picture Credit: Google Images

 

Never Again

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I normally enjoy most things that I do, but one thing that I’ve never really warmed to is walking or hiking over long distances. My mother adores going for long walks and I remember having to participate in many of them as a child and young teenager.

It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy exercise – I regularly played badminton, went to karate classes and I swam several times a week, but there was something about simply walking that I found boring and tedious.

One of my closest friends at school found an advertisement for a walking group and she begged and pleaded with me to join her. She was exercise obsessed, I was weak-willed and consequently one Sunday I found myself stood on the top of a hill with a group of strangers. We went through the introductions and polite conversation, and then we walked. And walked. And walked. FOR EIGHTEEN MILES.

What I had assumed was that ‘a walk’ would mean a leisurely stroll across the hills for a few hours. Instead, these people were machines. They set off at a pace that would have put them in competition with Olympians, and sometimes I almost had to jog to keep up whilst attempting to avoid an epic amount of goat poo. It was cold, it was windy and I returned home with blisters the size of two pence pieces from my mother’s hiking boots and an absolute promise to myself that I would never participate in anything like that again.

I’ve stayed true to that promise, and I can guarantee that the only time you’ll ever see me up a hill whilst wearing hiking boots is if… No, it’ll never happen.

What about you guys? Do you enjoy exercising or does the thought of having to hike up a hill make you reach for the remote control?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Picture credit: The Great Outdoors.