Overheard Conversations

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think.bigchief.it

Warning: adult (and stupid) content.

“Are you still with ____?’

A young man was smoking a cigarette with a group of his friends in the beer garden this evening. He was shivering in just his T Shirt and jeans in the cold wind, and he turned round to see a girl standing behind him. He seemed angry.

“What? Me?”

The girl took a step towards him and pointed at him.

“Yeah, are you still with ___?”

He obviously wasn’t in the mood for an argument, so he turned his back on her and ignored her.

Bad decision. She moved around so that she was facing him.

“I’ve lost all respect for you mate. You’re with ____ and now you’re messing about with that silly sl*g? You haven’t even seen her for months! Who do you think you are?”

My friend and I had stopped talking by this point, distracted by what was happening behind us. The woman stormed off. The man shrugged it off and laughed. They all went back inside and my friend and I continued our conversation. A few minutes later, the same man and an obviously drunk woman came outside. She had her arms tightly around his neck and I got the impression that he was a little uncomfortable and was trying to push her off.

“I love you. You’re beautiful. You’re a beautiful man. We’re meant to be together. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m sorry I kicked you out. We’re meant to be together you and me. I’ve not seen you for four months. I’ve never loved anyone like you. You know what we’re going to do tonight? We’re going to go home and sh*g. I’m going to sh*g you like there’s no tomorrow. And then we can be together for the rest of our lives. Me and you. I’m sorry I kicked you out…”

She then started singing the chorus of Sam Smith’s ‘Stay With Me’ repeatedly. He went back inside and her friend came out to check that she was ok. The drunk girl carried on ranting.

“I can’t believe I’ve seen him again after all this time. I love him so much. I’ve been thinking about him all this time and now he’s here.” She then proceeded to share what she intended to do to him that evening. I’m quite an open person, but her graphic description even turned my stomach a little. She knocked her pint over, spilling beer everywhere and smashing the glass on the floor. They went back inside.

A few minutes later, the man and his friends returned.

“Are you going home with her tonight mate?”

The man laughed and took a drag from his cigarette.

“Well, I’m drunk and she’s up for it, so I might as well.” His friends laughed.

“Besides, she’s got nice t*ts.”

It may have been 4.30pm, but the dramatics can be found at any time of day or night at my local. Ah, love’s young dream. Unfortunately, I get the impression that it may not end quite how the girl (or the man’s girlfriend) is expecting. However, it’s still a better love story that Twilight.

Have you ever heard a conversation from different perspectives that made you smile?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog.

 

Useless Things I Learned in School

One of the benefits of the British Education System is that students are offered lots of opportunities to be introduced to new subjects and ideas and as a teacher I believe that a well-rounded education and a love of learning is important. However, not everything that we learn will have a useful impact on our adult lives, and these will differ depending on our strengths, interests and career choices. Sixteen years after I left school, here are some of the things that I learned and have not used since. Continue reading

Create Your Own What?!?!

Every school holiday I meet up with five teacher friends that I met when we all worked at the same school about six years ago. Only one remains at the original school and the rest of us have moved on to other places, but over the years we have all managed to stay in contact as we have been through house moves, promotions, marriages, births and a number of OFSTED inspections. We go out for meals,  cook for each other and on one occasion we watched the entire special extended edition of The Lord of the Rings trilogy back-to-back, with a McDonalds break in the middle. They’re a lovely group of very intelligent women and I thoroughly enjoy my time with them as they regale me with stories of their recent exploits.

Tonight we visited a wonderful restaurant that I had never been to before. The group was a little smaller as were missing two of them – one has moved to Spain (of course, I’m not jealous in the slightest) and one has just had a baby boy, but the food was lovely, the atmosphere and the staff were great and the conversation was hilarious. One of the women had discovered a ‘create your own cocktail’ item on the menu, and when dessert arrived she was presented with a selection of little bottles of various liquids that she could use to create a drink that was tailored to her liking, and I was a little jealous that I hadn’t ordered one too.

The bill arrived, and suddenly everyone shrieked with laughter, to the point where people sitting at other tables turned around to find out where the commotion was coming from. This is what they were laughing at:

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At just £2.00, my friend said that it was worth every penny…

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

 

29 Things That Television Has Taught Me.

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1. Walking down the street in Carrie Bradshaw’s outfits will make people think I am a style icon and try and emulate my fashion sense.

2. Teenagers in America, particularly in Stars Hollow and Capeside, posses a mastery of complex vocabulary. I work with hundreds of teenagers every day and if I can get a ‘nah, man!’ out of them I’m doing well.

3. New York City is an affordable place to live and all apartments there are beautifully decorated and spacious.

4. It is possible to be in the vicinity of the murder of hundreds of people in Cabot Cove, New York and Ireland, and not once be considered a suspect. Jessica Fletcher is a master criminal.

5. The louder the TV chef, the more unhealthy the food.

6. The bumbling idiot will always have a beautiful wife.

7. Your best friend will forgive you for kissing his girlfriend after you have sat in a box and thought about what you did.

8. There are seven basic erogenous zones.

9. James Woods likes candy.

10. It is possible to live solely on junk food and coffee and maintain a supermodel figure without doing any exercise.

11. A wanted criminal can be found anywhere in the world with just a partial fingerprint, a reflection in a window and a few random clicks. Ultimately, they are going to be linked to a terrorist group.

12. Groups of friends from High School will go to the same college, and will be accompanied by one of their teachers and reception staff.

13. I am a bad person. I should be donating to the RSPCA, NSPCC, Red Cross, UNICEF, the WSPA and the Humane Donkey Society. I should also be sponsoring a snow leopard, a tiger and several children across the world.

14. A criminal with a machine gun can miss their target a million times. However, a policeman with a Glock will get a perfect shot every time, and never run out of ammunition.

15. Parents will never notice if a boy puts a ladder up to their teenage daughters window at night.

16. Doctors are hot. Super hot. With perfect hair.

17. He is NOT the father.

18. All locks can easily be picked with hair grips.

19. Spies can travel across the world in less than five minutes without any form of jet lag.

20. Heartbroken women who have just ended their relationship will always go back to the place where she and her ex first met.

21. Emotional breakdowns will cause somebody to walk about in the rain, without an umbrella.

22. The same group of friends will be able to sit on the same couch at the same table every time they visit.

23. Despite the fact that all the evidence a law enforcement officer or amateur sleuth has against a suspect is purely circumstantial, the suspect will admit their crime in the end and give full explanations as to why they did it.

24. When in jail, it is a good idea not to insult the chef’s food.

25. The underdog usually gets the girl in the end.

26. Childbirth is quick and newborns emerge looking about five months old and fast asleep.

27. When given the choice of a career opportunity of a lifetime and a relationship that has failed repeatedly, the relationship will always win.

28. Large couches should never be placed against the wall.

29. It is possible for beautiful women to go to sleep, get up, go to work for a full day and then out to a party at night without once having to do their hair and make up – this automatically remains perfect at all times.

 

What  about you guys? What things have you learned from the television?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to find me on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks and Pinterest http://www.pinterest.com/suzie81speaks

Do Alligators Alligate? The Teachings of Ralph Wiggum

Of all the Simpsons characters over the years, Ralph Wiggum is by far my favourite. He’s sweet and innocent, refusing to be corrupted by those around him. He’s… special. After hearing that every Simpsons episode will be aired in chronological order on FXX, I thought it would be a nice idea to delve into the many sides of Ralph’s personality and discover the life lessons that he can teach us.

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The Lover

“I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I’m gonna marry her!”

(Lisa feels sorry for Ralph when he doesn’t receive any cards on Valentines’s Day, and so she presents him with one that says ‘I choo-choo-choose you.’ After breaking his heart on national television, Ralph forgives her and moves on, proclaiming “I can’t believe I ever went out with you.”)

What Ralph teaches us: There is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there and wearing your heart on your sleeve. If you get your heart broken, you can pick yourself up and put it down to a bad learning experience. And more than likely, you’ll look at your ex and wonder what you ever saw in them in the first place…

 

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The Medical Practitioner

“The doctor said I wouldn’t have as many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there…”

“And when the doctor told me I didn’t have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life…”

What Ralph teaches us: Our health is important. Make sure that you look after yourself and visit your doctor if you have concerns. Most importantly, don’t stick your finger up your nose. It’s probably best not to stick crayons up there either.

 

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The Non-Conformist

Bart: Be there or be square!

Ralph: I want to be a triangle!

“I’m pedalling backwards!”

What Ralph teaches us: Be yourself – you don’t have to conform to other people’s expectations. In your personal life you should feel free to do what you want, when you want, and as long as you enjoy it and it isn’t deliberately hurting anybody else then that is all that matters. Never apologise for doing something that makes you happy.

 

image The Philosopher

Lisa: Players play and managers manage.

Ralph: Do alligators alligate?

What Ralph teaches us: It’s good to think outside the box and question the world around us. Don’t be afraid of asking questions. Challenge yourself and those around you. Do alligators alligate? I’ve been asking myself this question all morning.

 

imageThe Careerist.

“When I grow up, I’m going to Bovine University!”

What Ralph teaches us: Education and ambition is important, even degrees from Bovine University. Whatever your career path, it is always good to want to work for something in your future, and having a plan will help you achieve your goal. I probably wouldn’t want to go to Bovine University, but each to his own…

 

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The Conversationalist

“My breath smells like cat food.”

(During a conversation between Lisa and her new friend Allison, in which they decide to exchange anagrams as they walk home. Ralph, instead of participating, informs them of the status of his breath instead).

“My cat’s name is Mittens.”

What Ralph teaches us: It’s good to open the conversation up and discuss other subjects. There may be times where you feel out of your depth or are bored by the conversation, so listen and then gradually steer the conversation towards something that you may be more comfortable with. And, to be honest, anyone who enjoys talking about their cats is fine by me.

 

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The Fantasist

“Mrs Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.”

“Oh sleep, that’s where I am a Viking.”

What Ralph teaches us: It’s good to have an active imagination. For those of us that consider ourselves writers, the more active the imagination the better. However, in the real world, it is important at this point to know the difference between fantasy and downright lies.

 

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The Achiever

“I dress myself.”

What Ralph teaches us: Be proud of your achievements, however small. It isn’t arrogant to tell others of your successes – we all need praise occasionally and doing this will inspire you to continue in your endeavours. I remember when I dressed myself for the first time. I told everybody. It was awesome.

 

What about you? What life lessons have you learnt from your favourite cartoon characters?

You can also find me at Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

 

Things People Say and What They Actually Mean

I’ve seen a lot of these lists recently, and they’re all very funny in the fact that they’re absolutely true. I thought I’d add my own from my various experiences of life.

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1. I’ll be there in twenty minutes: I still haven’t got dressed and can’t find my handbag.

2. I’ll be there as soon as I can, I’m still waiting for a taxi: See number 1.

3. It’s not really my style, but I’m sure it would look good on you: I hate that outfit.

4. Well, if that’s your decision then I’ll support you: I totally disagree with your decision but I’m not going to say anything.

5. Do you think I’m overreacting?: I don’t care whether you think I’m overreacting, I expect you to agree with me.

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6. As long as he makes you happy: I think he’s a douchebag.

7. I’m going to the bar, does anyone want a drink?: I’m asking when I can see you’ve all got full glasses, but don’t want to be accused of not buying a round.

8. (When asked for a choice between two options) I’m happy with either, you choose: I know what I want to do but don’t want to be responsible for you being bored.

9. I haven’t got any money: I don’t want to go.

10. Ooh, you look really pretty today: I see you’ve bothered to put makeup on today.

11. Sorry I didn’t get your message, I think that there’s something wrong with my phone: I completely forgot to reply to your initial message.

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12. Sorry, but… : I’m not sorry, I’m just about to tell you that you’re wrong.

13. Ok, I’ll give it a go: I’m not going to even attempt to do it as I can’t be bothered, but I’m going to ask for help again later on and give the impression that I’ve really tried.

14. I hear what you’re saying, but… : I totally disagree and don’t really want to have any further conversations about it.

15. I was really disappointed when you… : You really p*ssed me off.

16. If you’re free for a catch-up let me know: I know that neither of us are going to contact each other, but I thought I would be polite.

17. It’s not you, it’s me: It’s you. Definitely you.

18. Haha! Only joking! : I wasn’t joking.

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19. Thanks anyway: Thanks for nothing.

20. I’m not ready for a relationship right now: I’m not attracted to you enough to want to be in a monogamous relationship with you.

21. Aww, he’s a little bruiser isn’t he!: Your child is overweight.

22. I’m not feeling well: I want to stay in, watch TV and eat Doritos.

23. Lol: I didn’t laugh, but I am acknowledging the fact that you made a joke.

24. Do you want the last one?: I really want the last one and am hoping that you’ll let me have it.

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25. I’ll be ok: I’m fed up, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I would like you to shut up now.

26. I’m going to go, I’ve got be to up early for work tomorrow: I’m bored.

27. You look like you need a hand: You’re doing a rubbish job and I think I can do it better.

What about you guys? Do people around you say things that they don’t mean?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

 

Blog Burnout and a Night of Karaoke

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I’ve been away from the blog for the longest period since I started it just over a year ago. There wasn’t anything that prompted this particular absence, it just sort of happened. I suppose the best explanation would be a mild case of blog burnout – I had run out of ideas, I was finding it difficult to keep up with the volume of comments that I was receiving (thank you – I read and appreciated every single one of them) and needed a little bit of time to regroup, so aside from a pug in some funny glasses and some reblogs my contribution to the blogging world has been minimal.

The last few weeks have reached a plateau of ‘just fine,’ which is a brilliant place to be after six months of continuous chaos. I slowed my pace down, relaxed a little and attempted to take things in my stride. I spent a lovely day in the sun, watching my students participate in the annual Sports Day, I enjoyed a fabulous meal at my favourite restaurant with The Bloke, I caught up with some old friends, rediscovered my love of Dolly Parton after watching her performance at Glastonbury on the TV, and I have developed an obsession with the TV show ‘White Collar’ and the ever lovely Matt Bomer (yes, I know he’s gay, happily married to his husband and a father of three, but he’s so pretty I could cry).

There was one thing I was determined to do, however, as soon as I got the chance:

Karaoke.

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Yes. I’m one of those.

I can sing. I’m not exactly going to be winning the X Factor anytime soon, but I can hold a tune and make it sound ok. I first discovered this when then Best Mate and I started going to a karaoke bar in the Chinese Quarter in Birmingham just for something different, and after a few drinks I plucked up the courage to sing Sinead O’Conner’s ‘Nothing Compares’ when my friends went out for a cigarette. It must have sounded ok – the Best Mate came running back in to see who was on the microphone and was surprised to see it was me.

Since then, karaoke has become a joint passion that only we seem to share – our collective friends would rather pull out their own fingernails than pick up a microphone. It just so happens that the Best Mate now runs his own karaoke nights at the pub that he works at, and so I invited myself along.

For the first time in ages I took the time to actually get dressed up. It wasn’t anything fancy, but I did my hair and make up and put on some nicer clothes than I would normally wear, and was feeling good by the time I left the house. The pub was fairly quiet, but by 9.00pm I had drank a few fruit ciders and decided to go for it, starting with Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse’s version of ‘Valerie,’ followed, by John Legend’s ‘All Of Me.’ The response was awesome, although it did prompt an elderly drunk man to attempt to talk to me about classical music by screaming ‘BACH! BACH!’ in my face and spitting all over me as he was doing so.

Nice.

Suffice to say, I got home at 2.30am. For the first time in months I was drunk – not falling about all over the place drunk, but drunk enough to confuse The Bloke with whatever I decided to ramble at him about when I was climbing into bed. I had performed half of Journey’s back catalogue, along with a few Irene Cara classics and at one point a really rude song from a Tenacious D album (I’m not going to repeat it on here – your eyes will bleed).

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Unfortunately, what I have discovered since reaching my 30’s is that a brilliant night is now followed my an enormous hangover, and so the highs of Friday night were marred slightly by waking up on Saturday morning with an intense headache, jelly legs and an urge never to drink ever again.

Definitely worth it though…

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

I Can’t Find My Hair: Drunken Ramblings As Inspirational Posters

Unlike some, I love memes and inspirational quotes and I often use them in my posts. Some make me laugh, some make me think, others genuinely provide me with motivation for the day. The inspirational quotes in particular often appear in the same format – a carefully selected font over the top of a beautiful image.

A while ago I read a post in which Danny Dyer’s twitter entries (English actor with a thick cockney accent) were used as an inspiration for such memes – things like ‘Noone asks Santa what he wants for Christmas. Bless him, the fat bearded pisshead…’ made me laugh, and it made me think about the drunken ramblings from people that I’ve heard over the years. I asked my friends for some of the funniest things they’ve ever heard someone say when drunk, and I edited them as inspirational posters…

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What about you guys? What are the funniest things that you’ve ever heard somebody say when drunk?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and on my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

 

So, How Does That Foot Taste? Quite Good, Apparently!

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Replace Carli with Suzie and this is pretty accurate right about now…

The weather has improved dramatically here recently and what has seemed to be an endless, dreary winter appears to be finally coming to an end. Consequently, I decided to treat myself the other weekend and took myself shopping for some new clothes. I found a beautiful summery top that fitted perfectly – it was a nice pattern, flattering and made me look and feel pretty good.

The perfect opportunity to debut this new top presented itself yesterday when I woke up to glorious sunshine, and so I decided to take advantage of this and spend a little more time getting ready for work. As I don’t drive, I decided to order a taxi as The Bloke had left by the time I had finished. The driver was a man who I knew from previous journeys, but I haven’t seen him in a while. Smiling, I greeted him and asked him how he was, and we made polite conversation for the first five minutes. All of a sudden, he said:

“So, you look like you’ve got some good news? When is the baby due?”

I’m not pregnant.

I was unsurprisingly caught off guard by his question, and could only mumble in response that I had put on a bit of weight since I last saw him, but I wasn’t pregnant.

Most people would appear uncomfortable or embarrassed and would generally be attempting to pull their foot out of their mouths. Not this guy – he followed up his question by helpfully and tactfully giving me diet tips. All. The. Way. To. Work.

In the fifteen minutes it had taken for me to get to work I had gone from feeling good, confident and happy to repressing the desire to punch someone in the face. While I made a joke out of it when I was regaling my colleagues with the story I was secretly mortified – my self-confidence can be quite fragile and this wasn’t something that I particularly needed.

So, Mr Taxi Driver, I’ll take your advice, and eat it – after all, I’m apparently eating for two! And as a side note, I hope that your crotch becomes infested with the fleas of a thousand camels, and that your arms are too short to scratch.

What about you? Have you ever had your confidence knocked by insensitive and tactless questions?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

14 Silly Ways To Get Over a Bad Day

Having a bad day? It happens to everyone, but it’s important to remember that it won’t last forever. However, as I’ve had a run of bad days recently – it’s been a very emotional time – I  decided to be silly and provide you with a list of 14 ways to cheer yourself up…

1. Imagine doing this to the person who has upset you. If she can do it, we all can. (senorgif.com)

2. Have a good cry (gifs8.com)

3. Take a leisurely walk to calm your nerves (icanhasgifs.com)

4. Help yourself to something nice to eat. (ohmagif.com)

5. Work out. (Gifsoup.com)

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6. Have a nice long bath (senorgif)

7. Smile! Think about all the things you should be grateful for! (muver54.tumblr.com)

8. Look! This chocolate bar actually exists... (Mirror.co.uk)

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9. As does this mojito… (facebook)

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10. And remember, your day isn’t as bad as this person’s: (gifbin.com)

11. Or this persons… (icanhasgif.com)

 

12. And if all else fails, there is always Star Trek Meets Monty Python: Knights of the Round Table…

Uploaded by Starship Conductor

 

13. And Bad Lip Syncing to Game of Thrones

Uploaded by Lip Readings

 

14. And finally, if this doesn’t make you smile, nothing will…

Uploaded and created by Benjamin J. Ames

What about you? What do you do to cheer yourself up after a bad day?

You can also find me on Twitter and tumblr @suzie81blog

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