The Difference Between 20 and 30

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DailyHaha.com

Today I found a grey hair. At just 32 years old this sounds ridiculous, as I’ve had random grey eyebrows for years, but when I found it I genuinely felt quite sad. That single grey hair confirmed everything I’d been noticing recently… I’m getting older. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not suggesting that I’m old in the slightest, but I’ve noticed that my opinions of life and how I live it has changed since I turned 30. For example:

1. Staying out until three in the morning is almost impossible, and if I do I’m guaranteed to not be able to move from the hangover the next day even if I’ve only had a small amount of alcohol. In my 20’s I could go out all night wearing six inch heels and an outfit the size of a tea-towel and feel reasonably fine the next day. I don’t want to go out to nightclubs anymore. Instead, I’d rather go to a nice bar/restaurant and be home by 11.00pm.

2. I have started to judge younger women if they wear trampy outfits – I actually found myself thinking “Put it away!” after seeing a random woman walk past the other day wearing a ridiculously high skirt.

3. I wear flat shoes to work, as my feet can’t cope with wearing heels anymore.

4. I keep putting my back out.

5. In my 20’s, I used to be able to eat what I wanted without gaining weight. After I turned 30, I only have to look at a chocolate bar for my waistline to expand.

6. I’ve recently started to enjoy music by Glen Campbell. Say what you like about Glen – he was a member of the Wrecking Crew and therefore is a legend.

7. I detest Justin Bieber, One Direction and GLEE. I think that Dubstep and Drum & Bass is simply noise.

8. I love shopping at the supermarket. I can spend hours there, and get a kick out of finding good deals.

9. I found myself telling my students that I passed my GCSE exams without the use of the Internet, and that I didn’t get a mobile phone until I was 18.

10. My friends are getting married, divorced and/or are having children. In my 20’s they were just getting laid.

11. In our 20’s, me and the Best Mate used to discuss epic nights out and the people that we were attracted to. Last week we had a conversation about what product is the best for removing mould in the bathroom, and what fabric softener we use.

12. In my 20’s I had a job. In my 30’s I have a career.

13. In my 20’s I holidayed on 18-30 resorts. In my 30’s I like to go ‘somewhere quiet’.

14. Art galleries have suddenly become interesting. I can spend hours walking around museums and I genuinely enjoy the experience of learning new things.

As a teacher, I always feel a little twinge of jealously when students that I have known for years go off to university. I remember that feeling of excitement, uncertainty, and the thrill of having the prospect of a whole life ahead of you with very little responsibility. I remember being carefree about anything and everything. However, I also remember having to fight for everything, work extremely hard and have very little money to show for it. I lived in sub-standard housing with a sub-standard ex. I lived from day-to-day with no thoughts about the future.

As I’ve grown older, my life is good, despite the trial and tribulations that I have experienced recently. I have everything I’ve worked for, my opinion is more respected professionally, I know what I want and I am not scared to ask for it. My 20’s were spent building a life so that I can enjoy it in my 30’s.

Perhaps it’s not as bad as I thought. And there’s always hair dye…

What about you guys? What has changed as you have aged?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @Suzie81blog

Twelve Childhood Things That I Miss

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After reading an interview with British comedian Sarah Millican (she’s fabulous, check her out @SarahMillican75) in which she discussed things from childhood that she missed being able to do, I thought that I would compile a list of my own.

1. During hot summer days, putting on a swimming costume and sitting in a paddling pool in the back garden. My neighbours would think that I’m a little strange if I did this now…

2. Making my own radio broadcasts. I had an old tape recorder that had a microphone and I would record myself interviewing famous people. I would then tape the Top 40 songs from the Singles Chart, stopping it before the DJ started to speak over it.

3. Being able to innocently read this (one of my favourite childhood books) without sniggering to myself.

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4. Watching episodes of Saved By The Bell during the holidays, and arguing with my sisters as to who Zack would ask out first.

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5. Fastening my coat around my neck to resemble a cape and running around the playground.

6. Being able to do a cartwheel and a somersault. If I were to attempt these now I would need to be placed in traction afterwards.

7. Being able to watch He-Man without questioning his sexuality (not that it matters, I’m just distracted now by Adam’s pink tights).

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8. Playing sports for an entire day without the fear that every muscle in my body will shrivel up and die the next day in protest.

9. My mother’s Sunday roast dinners. Mine are pretty awesome, but they still don’t compare.

10. Eating the greatest chocolate bar of all time: Cadbury’s Secret. Chocolate marshmallow wrapped in strands of chocolate. I miss them.

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11. Playing Sonic the Hedgehog on the Sega Mega Drive. It’s the only computer game I’ve ever completed.

12. Getting photographs back from the processing store after excitedly waiting for several hours and being delighted with the results, even though my fingers were in most of the pictures.

What about you guys? Is there anything that you miss doing from your childhood?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Real Life Versus The Movies

Just for today, I would like you to indulge me and imagine this scenario.

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You go on holiday with your hard-working, well-respected doctor husband and your two teenage (and rather sheltered) daughters. When you arrive, your seventeen year old daughter, Frances, who has designs of going to college and later joining the Peace Corps, develops a crush on a twenty-five year old dance instructor, Jonny, who works at the resort you are staying at. His dance partner is pregnant and your daughter lies to borrow money from your husband so she can pay for an illegal abortion for this woman. When it goes wrong, she wakes you up in the middle of the night and asks your husband to save this woman’s life. He does, but forbids your daughter to see these people ever again.

During your stay your daughter sneaks behind your back on numerous occasions to be with this dance instructor (who isn’t always nice to her), to have dance lessons so she can fill in for his partner who is still recovering. She inevitably has sex with him. After he is accused of stealing, your daughter confesses that he’s innocent because he was with her, smearing the family reputation.

On your final night at the resort, the dance instructor appears, insults your husband (nobody puts Baby in the corner) and then proceeds to drag your daughter up onto the stage in front of everybody and dance with her, feeling her up in the process.

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Would you and your husband join in with the ‘dirty dancing’ after your daughter has performed and is busy ‘making out’ with the dance instructor in the middle of the room? No, you wouldn’t. In several countries Jonny would now be in prison for statutory rape and trespassing and your husband would be facing charges of assault.

Or perhaps I need to stop over-thinking things…

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

 

Both gifs were taken from socialphy.com

How to Put the ‘Pro’ in Procrastinate

big-bang-theory-procrastination-gifDo you have a major deadline looming at work? Are you behind on your assignments? Don’t know where to start? Here is how to procrastinate like a pro…

1. Make a list. Not just an average list – create the most detailed list you’ve ever written, complete with time frames and tick boxes. Assure yourself that this list will help you break your tasks down into easy chunks and make you feel less overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work ahead of you.

2. Tidy the room that you are working in. If you are at home, put a load of laundry into the machine – it’s impossible to work in an untidy environment, and you’ve been meaning to do this for ages. This will then lead to…

3. Moving objects and items of furniture around. You know the mirror would look far better on the other wall, and moving the chair would give you more space.

4. Find various amounts of change lying around the house. Count the change and put them into money bags, ready to be taken to the bank later in the day.

5. All the cleaning and organising is starting to make you hungry, so make yourself some lunch. However, you don’t have what you would really like in your cupboards, so this is a good opportunity to go to the shop and buy a few things. After all, you can’t work on an empty stomach! While there, make sure to spend at least half an hour looking for extra bargains to prevent making two trips and pick up a new toy for the cat – she’s old and cute and deserves it. Call in at the bank on the way back home and deposit the change that you collected earlier.

6. While you are eating lunch, check all your social networking sites, your blog and your email. Ensure that you spend time reading as many posts as possible and commenting. One of the posts that you read is almost certainly going to give you an idea for a post of your own, so use this as an opportunity to do a bit of research and write down some ideas on your new subject.

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7. Write the entire post.

8. Go back and edit the post when you realise that you have made ridiculous spelling mistakes throughout.

9. Turn the television on for some ‘background noise.’ Discover that one of the channels has started to show Jerry Springer episodes. You haven’t seen Jerry Springer in years, so you watch this episode, and the other two that follow, just to see whether the programme has changed or not.

10. You realise that your laundry has finished, so make sure that you take it out, put it in the dryer or spend ages hanging it out on the clothes airer. This is also a really good opportunity to match your socks up.

11. The cat is in need of some attention, so make sure that you spend the next half an hour encouraging her to play with ‘Mr Mouse,’ the new toy that you bought for her at the shop. During play time you are once again struck by just how cute she is, and therefore you have to take pictures of her. Of course, these will need editing afterwards either on Instagram or Lightroom and posting on your social networking sites.

12. After posting these, read an interesting article that a friend has shared about ‘The World’s Most Interesting People’ on Buzzfeed. This will undoubtedly lead to the discovery of other interesting articles, followed by various Wikipedia searches to find out the current situations of the people that you have just read about and almost certainly a video of Jimmy Fallon doing something amusing.

13. Look at the time, discover that it is 3.00pm and convince yourself that NOW you need to get your work done. Take out your laptop. While it is loading, use your phone to check your blog and see if you have received any comments from the post you shared earlier in the day. Discover that your friend has sent you a rather amusing cat meme, and decide that the only acceptable response is to send one back. This exchange lasts several minutes, followed by one inviting the other round to their house. Turn laptop off and meet friend.

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14. Return home in time to cook dinner and feed the cat. Realise that you have recorded an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ from the night before, and watch it whilst eating dinner. Make sure you spend time afterwards doing the washing up.

15. Your feet are feeling a little sore, so get in a long, hot bubble bath, during which you top it up several hours later when the water has gone cold. Realise that your toenails need some maintenance, and upon looking in the mirror realise that your eyebrows are beginning to take over your face, so spend the next hour rectifying this.

16. The hot water has made you sleepy, so decide to have a quick ‘power nap’ before you start your work.

Wake up at 5.30am the next day.

What about you? Are you a procrastinator?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Tell Me a Joke

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I’m back home, but feeling extremely low today. The cat needed emergency vet treatment last night, costing me more money than I have, I still feel dizzy and sick and generally weak still, and after having just a few hours sleep I was feeling at the point of despair this morning. Luckily, The Bloke stepped in and took over, allowing me to go to bed for the afternoon while he sorted the cat out.

I don’t have the motivation to write much, but I wanted to take the opportunity to say a huge thank you for being so amazing over the last few days. I received that many messages I couldn’t keep up, so I’ll attempt to respond to them over the next few weeks.

However, my miserable mood has given me an idea. I want you to tell me a joke. Obviously, I don’t want anything that can be deemed as racist and/or offensive – the more random and silly the joke is, the better. I thought it would be a fun way to see what you could come up with!

Looking forward to catching up with you all soon!

Why I Shouldn’t Be Left Alone on a Saturday Night

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The Bloke has gone ‘oop North’ to visit his mother, so I’ve had the house to myself for the weekend. While I always miss him when he isn’t here, I don’t mind admitting that I was looking forward to spending a little bit of time alone – it has been quite a stressful couple of weeks at work and it was the perfect opportunity to catch up on some much needed ‘me’ time.

I started with good intentions – I did a bit of blogging, washed some clothes and met my best friend in the local pub for lunch. However, after consuming what felt like my entire bodyweight in veggie burger, I returned home with an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and lost all motivation to do anything but lie on the couch and watch Columbo, which seems to still be a main staple of British television over the weekends. I fell asleep, and thankfully I had set an alarm on my phone to remind me to go and give Daisy, my diabetic cat, her insulin injection and then returned to my couch position, waking a few hours later. I worked out that I must had slept for about six hours in total and felt relaxed.

I decided that I was going to have a girlie night in, so I went to the supermarket and purchased various snacky treats to accompany a chick flick (yet to be chosen at this point) that would leave me feeling warm and fuzzy and happy with the world. The trip turned out to be quite an eventful one – a young couple were having a screaming argument, a middle – aged couple were kissing in the doorway, preventing anyone from getting past and forcing several people to cough and offer an awkward ‘excuse me,’ a man vomited on the pavement across the road and there were several young women who had obviously planned to spend their Saturday night in a similar way to me, their baskets filled with wine, pizza and chocolate. I live in a classy area, clearly.

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Upon my return I temporarily forgot that I am 32 years old and decided to watch ‘A Walk To Remember,’ knowing only that it was a teen – flick. However, from the rave reviews it has received from some of my students I expected it to be a generic, cutesy film that would make me smile and finish with a ‘happy ever after.’ I was also swayed by the fact that it starred the lovely Shane West, who I have developed an appreciation for after watching him in several seasons of ‘Nikita.’ I then planned to have a hot bath and an early night to try and catch up on more sleep that I have missed over the last week.

How wrong I was.

At the risk of giving spoilers, there was no happy ever after and at the end of the film I found myself sobbing like a baby onto the head of a previously sleeping, rather disgruntled cat that had curled up on my lap. My expected feeling of warm and fuzzy had been replaced with a sense of temporary despair. I kicked myself as I swore that I wouldn’t do this to myself again after watching Steel Magnolias and flashes of the opening sequence to ‘Bridget Jones’ kept popping into my head as I realised that I was sitting alone on a Saturday night in my pyjamas, surrounded by confectionary wrappers and crying at one of the most depressing and utterly heartbreaking films I have ever seen.

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Unfortunately, the marathon sleeping session that I had experienced during the day, combined with the consumption of a ridiculously high quantity of sugar resulted in me being wide awake, pretty much for the rest of the night. At 3.00am I gave up and put a DVD of Family Guy on, and this must have worked as my alarm woke me up at 5.45am, reminding me to go and inject the cat. However, after about three hours sleep I now feel more tired than I did yesterday…

Next time, the only film I’m watching will be Avengers Assemble…

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @Suzie81blog…

Pointless, Random Facts About Me

imageI was in the process of updating my ‘About’ page and after I had changed my age and a little of the wording I was stumped. While blogging is often a very narcissistic venture for me, I found a that when faced with an open opportunity to write whatever I wanted about myself, my brain suddenly shrivelled up and went to the pub.

In an effort to generate ideas I started to compile a list of potential things, and very soon I found that the silly side of me took over, leaving me with a mish-mash of random facts and thoughts of what makes me, well… Me! I thought that I would share them with you. Either that of post a picture of a cat.

imageI’m a music teacher, but I’ve always had a desire to be a dancer. Or more precisely, a street dancer. Unfortunately, my dance moves closely resemble that of a metaphorical frog-in-blender. Arms and legs everywhere. There has been much laughter and evidence in the many unfortunate photographs that have been posted on Facebook. However, I do know all the steps to Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies.’ Oh, and the Macarena. Somehow, I don’t think that Beyonce’s backing dancers are shitting themselves about the competition…

I have a fabulous way of stopping people from repeatedly showing me the same pictures of their kids: I show them a picture of one of my cats. Please don’t think that I’m a heartless person – I’m delighted for them that they have been blessed with a child, but I don’t need to see pictures of little Billy with snot running down his face, little Billy using the potty for the first time or little Billy in the bath. I guarantee that I have far more pictures of Wobbly (my 19 year old tortie) than any parent have of their newborn. Works a treat.

I don’t own an iron. I hate the process and as a teenager watched my mother waste entire weekends because of it, so I simply refuse to do it. If an item of clothing needs ironing I hang it up as it is drying. I generally dress like a teenage boy anyway – I’m not out to impress.

1b3acc686f3b4641d8b8I’ve had a 25 year crush on the actor Dolph Lundgren. It began when watching Masters of the Universe at the age of 6, and even now I still think that he’s the most beautiful man ever created.

I’ve never watched Back To the Future. The Bloke almost died of shock when I informed him of this. However, I have seen Howard the Duck. On reflection I think I may have possibly made a few questionable choices over the years in my film-watching decisions.

I seem to lose the ability to articulate myself properly when articulation is needed most. A classic example of this is during an argument with an ex-housemate years ago. He had become involved in drugs and invited his dealer around to the house, which I had an issue with. I had been winning the argument, up until the point where I yelled, “Where do you think we are, the GECKO or something?” Not my finest hour.

I’ve never eaten a S’more. I didn’t even know what a S’more was until about a year ago.

Most women eventually turn into their mothers. I may as well be my mother’s twin… At 32. She’s in her mid 50’s and looks fabulous for her age, to the point where last time we went for a drink together she was asked for I.D. and I wasn’t. Nice.

This is generally how I like to problem solve:

imageIf I was ever lucky enough to win the lottery, I would buy a large plot of land and start a no-kill animal shelter. I would spend the day paying other people to clean up the poo while I got the cuddles.

I have had a ridiculous, irrational fear of something as long as I can remember, to the point where even simple pictures of these will send me into a blind panic and I cannot enter a room until said picture is removed.

What about you? Tell me one interesting fact about yourself!

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @Suzie81blog – I’d love to see you there!

Obscure Search Terms for 2013

confused-blackfive-net_As it is the final day of the year I decided to review my search engine terms since the birth of my blog in April. I have posted some of these during the year, but there have been a number of wonderful additions to add to the list since then. Some have made me smile, some have made me think. Some, in fact, have left me utterly confused.

There are certainly some strange and unusual people out there…

To date, my most popular search has been ‘Things to Be Thankful For,’ which I think is quite sweet, although it does leave me wondering how miserable these people must be if they have to use Google for ideas. This is closely followed by Leah Remini, who I mentioned in a post about Saved By The Bell. There have been a much wider variation of the search for Leah of late, possibly inspired by her controversial fall-out with the Scientology movement:

Leah Remini
Leah Remini saved by the bell
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Leah remini in saved by the bell
was leah remini on saved by the bell

and finally…

Leah Remini’s tits.

There’s always one. Well, actually, there’s more than one. I created a post about a hidden picture of a topless woman in Disney’s ‘The Rescuers,‘ and mentioned in another that a scorned woman had posted a picture of her boyfriend’s secret lover’s dirty panties on Facebook when she discovered their affair. Consequently, these have created some extremely interesting search terms for me…

Blog Boobs
Girls dirty panties
Soiled dirty panties
Dirty panties
Sexy dirty painties

confused-babyWhile I think that I can link most of the search terms used to a specific post, there were a few that I found to be random and quite confusing…

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afat log
laughing viking
try whistle girlfriend skinny
write one liners related to life. 4 example : . . life is an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts! . @ / .. . life is ______________
bomb bein made to kill half of america
Cars crashed in weird places
(I think that this may link to the post that I did about Celebrity death jokes)
A smear of ice-cream (why does ice-cream keep appearing???)
how nuch are crap
How much crap

The best one of these has got to be this:

how many drops of eyedrops does it take to make someone poop (I fear for this person)

Then there are searches that I find quite insulting that my blog has come up.

I want to post crap on a blog. (Nice. Thanks for that.)
meh blog
masculinity blog (Strange, considering I’m a woman)
A blog about an annoying teacher

Rottenecards_4510696_88c9q44fw6Of the 3,000 search terms that I have received this year, there were two absolutely outstanding search terms and I couldn’t decide who should be awarded the gold medal. They made me laugh, confused me and made me question what on earth I have written on my blog that would lead these terms to me. Consequently, I have decided to award both of them the joint first prize for entertainment value…

a situation that needs to get unfucked 

Testicle moisturiser

I have no words (and decided that it was probably best that I didn’t put a picture to go with this one…)

What about you? What is the most unusual search term you have had this year?

You can also find me on Twitter @Suzie81blog

Image credit 1: thinkingblog.com
Image credit 2: danielalexandra.com
Image credit 3: rottenecards.com

Derek’s Happy Ending

imageImagine this: It’s Saturday afternoon and you’re at home, minding you’re own business, when you hear a knock at the door. You open it and find a rather a dishevelled looking woman standing on your doorstep, who promptly asks:

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but have you lost a chicken?”

My neighbours must have thought I was a little strange yesterday. The Bloke and I were desperately trying to find the owner of the chicken (that I named Derek – despite the fact that I have now been informed that Derek is actually a girl chicken…) that had appeared suddenly in our back garden and the only way we could think to do so would be to go and knock on the neighbours houses and see if they could give us any information.

As luck would have it, the chicken’s owners had posted a note through one of the doors and so we were able to locate them fairly quickly. They were quite relieved – they had intitially  thought that a fox may have eaten it – came round to our house to pick it up and I was actually a little emotional at how delighted Derek (whose real name is actually Amy) was to see them! It is obviously treated very well and ran over, clucking away, which I was really pleased to see…

So, all’s well that ends well – Amy the chicken found it’s home and my neighbours think i’m a weirdo…

Just an average Saturday afternoon in my household!

Derek the Stealth Chicken

There’s a chicken in my back garden. I don’t know where it has come from, who owns it or how it got in as the garden is surrounded by high fences. It is a very friendly chicken – it walked over to The Bloke quite happily – I’m a bit concerned though as I know that there are lots of cats around. I’ve called it Derek.

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I’m going to go and speak to the neighbours and see if Derek belongs to them…

Poor Derek!

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