The One That Got Away…

Posted on November 12, 2015 by suzie81speaks

The one that got away

In 2010 I was lucky enough to supervise a trip to America. With 58 students and 7 other staff, we visited three cities – New York, Philadelphia and Washington D.C. and as we were only there for a week our itinerary was jam packed with as many sightseeing opportunities as we could possibly could manage. (We actually ended up being stranded in D.C. for an extra week after the volcanic explosion in Iceland grounded all flights, but that’s another story).

In New York, we went to the Museum of Modern Art, which I was really excited about. During our visit we saw that there was a retrospective taking place, during which Marina Abramović, a Serbian artist performed a thought-provoking piece named ‘The Artist is Present.’ Sitting in silence, she invited viewers to sit directly opposite her at a table. Anyone and everyone could participate, but nothing would be said if they chose to do so. Intruiged, some of our students joined in and sat down for a few minutes. I noticed that after each person left the table she would close her eyes until the next sat down.

A few weeks ago, a story about the performance appeared on Facebook, and I instantly clicked on the video because of the memories I had of it. What I saw moved me very deeply… Continue reading →

The Valentine’s Day Grinch

Posted on February 7, 2015 by suzie81speaks

105

Meh.

Roses are red,

Bacon is red,

Bacon.

With a week to go until Valentine’s Day my social networking feeds are becoming filled with sweet messages of love, vomit-inducing images of couples gazing lovingly into each others eyes and ideas for tacky and unwanted gifts…

Oh joy.

I love love. I love being in love, reading romantic stories and watching romantic films. I’m an advocate for all things heartfelt and passionate and while I don’t believe in the idea of ‘soulmates’ I truly think that there is somebody out there for everybody. I love celebrations and holidays and I look forward to them every year.

However, there is one particular celebration that I dislike: Valentine’s Day. I am the Valentine’s Day Grinch.

I’ll never forget the jealousy I felt when my friend received an enormous anonymous card on her doorstep. It was beautiful, with ‘Will you be my Valentine?’ carefully written on the inside. I was 13 years old and had gone to her house after school for dinner – we heard the sound of the letterbox and there it was, staring at me.

“Who’s it from?” I asked, forcing a smile.

“I’ve no idea!” she squealed at me. (To this day, she still doesn’t have a clue who sent it).

I tried to be happy for her, but secretly I was suppressing a desire to punch her in the face. Why didn’t I get one? What was wrong with me?

This scenario, however childish, is just one of the many reasons why I don’t like Valentine’s Day, despite being in a committed relationship for years. In many circumstances the day serves as a huge slap-in-the-face reminder to single people that they haven’t met ‘The One’ yet, and while most of my single friends in their 30’s are past the point of caring, there are still plenty of those that do. Since the middle of January I have read posts from single bloggers with advice for preparing to spend the day ‘alone.’ I dislike the fact that some are made to believe that their self-worth is defined by their relationship status, and I dislike the pressure that the day often puts on our male counterparts, particularly in the younger generations to make huge gestures and declarations of their feelings for their partners.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Refrigerator.

However, scientific studies (and by scientific, I mean I asked my friends – but I’m sure there are far more scientific studies out there) have shown that couples equally dislike everything that the day has come to represent. In the shops the masses of Christmas tat is replaced with Valentine’s tat, accompanied by a sea of red cards as soon as the holidays are over, advertisements for flowers, chocolates and cuddly toys appear everywhere and the inevitable conversation between The Bloke and I happens at the end of January:

“Are we doing anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“We can if you like, but I’m not that bothered.”

“Me neither. Shall we just stay in?”

“Yeah, fine by me.”

“Are we doing the card thing?”

“Yeah, we can do the card thing, but let’s leave the presents. The vet/car/council tax bill is due next week.”

“Ok.”

bruceallen.com

Most couples always start with good intentions and the excitement of the ‘Honeymoon Period’ is all consuming. I’ve been there on several occasions and those times have been the most exhilarating of my life. The first date, the first kiss, the first ‘I love you’ and everything else in between is a magical experience and everything the new spouse does or says is music to the soul. Family and friends start to roll their eyes as you regale them with yet another story of how wonderful/funny/sweet this person is and the passing of time seems to drag when you aren’t in their company.

However, life will always inevitably get in the way. The cute little underwear bought to impress starts to morph into enormous knickers and sexy night dresses become flannel pyjamas. The hair goes up and the make-up comes off. What is left is essentially the real versions of ourselves, warts and all.

While I love love, I condradict myself in that real life I am not an overly romantic person and I resent the fact that on this one particular day I am expected to be, in essence, ‘romantic.’ February 14th has no connection for me and The Bloke – our anniversary is in November. What if we’re not in the mood that day? What if one of us is ill, or we’ve had a bad day at work. What if I have a stack of marking that needs to be completed?

I appreciate that the positive message behind it is that it is important to take the time to show your loved one that you care and before I start receiving indignant messages I am certainly not begrudging or judging anybody who wishes to go all out on Valentine’s Day, but the real us shouldn’t have to wait for a specific day of the year to demonstrate our feelings in the form of a hurriedly bought gift that has been picked up on the weekly shop. Of course, I’m generalising here, but shouldn’t we try to show our other half how much they mean to us as often as possible rather than on a day that has been created for the purposes of consumerism?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Here’s a poem,
Now shut your face.

dryicons.com

The Bloke runs me a bath in a morning before work. When I’ve had a crap day he cooks me dinner and rubs my feet. He would buy me flowers, but the cats take it upon themselves to eat them. He records TV programmes that he thinks that I’ll like. We surprise each other with little gifts, cards and date nights. My family and friends like him and the cats worship him. On the rare occasions when I return home from a night out after consuming my entire body weight in alcohol he politely ignores my endless wittering and then brings me breakfast in bed the next day to help with my inevitable hangover. This last week has been one of the most difficult that I have experienced in a long time, and he has been my saviour – picking me up from work very late in the evening, cooking my dinner every night, helping me with computer issues as I have done my work and most, importantly, he’s put his big arms around me and told me that it is going to be okay when I have cried on his shoulder. We look after each other when we’re ill. We talk about anything and everything. We’re occasionally grumpy, we snap at each other, and at times we’ve been known to irritate the crap out of each other. We’ve seen the best and the worst of each other. It isn’t perfect – no relationship is – but regardless of whether the day has been good or bad, I know that he’s the person that I want to wake up to each morning. I am an extremely difficult person to live with, he’s a very patient man and I’m very lucky.

So, instead of waiting until Valentines’s Day to tell him how much I love him and how important he is to me, I’m going to continue to (or at least try to) let him know how much I appreciate him in the form of a bacon sandwich every Saturday and Sunday morning, rubbing his feet when they are sore, holding his hand when we walk down the street, booking a table in our favourite restaurant as often as my bank balance will afford, laughing at his awful jokes (which I actually find very funny – don’t tell him that), kissing him goodnight before I go to sleep and apologising when I have been snappy at him.

So, Valentine’s Day, quite frankly, can kiss my foot.

What about you guys? Do you buy into the Valentines’s Day con?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Why I Don’t Believe in Soulmates

Posted on July 20, 2014 by suzie81speaks

Lots of people in my world are getting married at the minute, and amidst the excitable chatter about dresses, cake, flowers and reception venues I have heard the world ‘soulmate’ thrown around a number of times.

Admittedly, I am hardly Little Miss Romantic, despite immersing myself in many a romantic comedy over the years. Most of these films seem to follow the same conventions – the characters meet, they fall in love, we see a montage that demonstrates some happy times together, something or someone interferes, they break up and eventually the film will end with a huge gesture and a proclamation of feelings and the couple will kiss while an orchestra plays intense, passionate music in the background.

However, what happens when Vivienne rescues Edward ‘right back?’ Did Harry continue to love the little wrinkle in the middle of Sally’s forehead? Did Hal love Rosemary regardless of her size or did he revert back to his shallow ways?

What we actually see in these films is not love, it’s a demonstration of mutual attraction and the fun, exciting initial stages of the honeymoon period in a relationship. It’s pure lust. These characters don’t appear to deal with every day situations – the stresses of work, being tired and grumpy at each other, having a nasty cold, having the car break down on the way to work, the death of a family member, friend or pet. Why? Because real life is far more boring.

The Bloke and I have been together for about four and a half years. (We’ve actually lived together for six, but that is a much longer story that I will save for later). He’s my bloke, my partner in crime, my other half. He’s the person I am pleased to wake up to every morning.

But he isn’t my soulmate.

Why? Because I don’t believe that soulmates exist, or at least not in the context that it is used in the present day. The concept is nice, but unrealistic. In a world where seven billion people exist I refuse to believe that there is just one person for each of us, and I’m positive that if we had never met and were living in different places we would be equally happy with somebody else.

It may sound harsh, but my problem with the idea of a soulmate is that there is a sense of perfection behind the term. While I am by no means an expert in relationships, and I am certainly not claiming to be, I know enough to realise that perfection, in all forms, simply doesn’t exist. As human beings, we are all intrinsically flawed, and unless we are willing to accept both our own flaws and the flaws of our partners we will be forever left feeling disappointed.

Soulmates are not born and meant for each other, they are created through an ongoing process of trust, honesty and respect with people who deserve to be in a relationship with each other. When things have been going really well, The Bloke has been there with me to celebrate, and I’ve done the same with him. When I’ve been hurt or upset, The Bloke listened, comforted me and told me it would all be ok, and I’ve done the same for him. When I was ill and in hospital, he was there every night and sat with me for hours. When we had to move house shortly after, he pretty much did the whole thing by himself as I hadn’t fully recovered. We talk, we laugh, we go out together. He makes my lunch, runs me baths, picks me up from work and rubs my feet. He’s not just my bloke, he’s my friend, my confidante, my rock. I love him, and he loves me. He makes me happy. However, he’s not perfect, and neither am I.

While it’s certainly a far less romantic thought, I think its far more important to stop idealising the concept of ‘The One,’ and start working on the creation of forever in our relationships. It might just save a lot of time and heartache in the long term…

What do you think? Have you found your soulmate? Do you believe in them? Are you still waiting to meet yours?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

The Valentine’s Day Grinch

Posted on February 7, 2014 by suzie81speaks

sexandrelationships.com

Roses are red,
Bacon is red,
Bacon.

With a week to go until Valentine’s Day my social networking feeds are becoming filled with sweet messages of love and ideas for gifts…

Oh joy.

Before I begin, I would like to make it clear that I love love. I love being in love, reading romantic stories and watching romantic films. I’m an advocate for all things heartfelt and passionate and while I don’t believe in the idea of ‘soulmates’ I truly believe that there is somebody out there for everybody. I love celebrations and holidays and I look forward to them every year.

However, there is one particular celebration that I dislike: Valentine’s Day. I am the Valentine’s Day Grinch.

“Who’s it from?” I asked, forcing a smile.

“I’ve no idea!” she squealed at me. (To this day, she still doesn’t have a clue who sent it).

I tried to be happy for her, but secretly I was suppressing a desire to punch her in the face. Why didn’t I get one? What was wrong with me?

This scenario, however childish, is just one of the many reasons why I don’t like Valentine’s Day, despite being in a committed relationship for years. In many circumstances the day serves as a huge slap-in-the-face reminder to single people that they haven’t met ‘The One’ yet, and while most of my single friends in their 30’s are past the point of caring, there are still plenty of those that do. Since the middle of January I have read posts from single bloggers with advice for preparing to spend the day ‘alone.’ I dislike the fact that some are made to believe that their self-worth is defined by their relationship status, and I dislike the pressure that the day often puts on our male counterparts, particularly in the younger generations.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Refrigerator.

However, scientific studies (and by scientific, I mean I asked my friends – I’m sure there are far more scientific studies out there however) have shown that couples equally dislike everything that the day has come to represent. In the shops the masses of Christmas tat is replaced with Valentine’s tat, accompanied by a sea of red cards as soon as the holidays are over, advertisements for flowers, chocolates and cuddly toys appear everywhere and the inevitable conversation between The Bloke and I happens at the end of January:

“Are we doing anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“We can if you like, but I’m not that bothered.”

“Me neither. Shall we just stay in?”

“Yeah, fine by me.”

“Are we doing the card thing?”

“Yeah, we can do the card thing, but let’s leave the presents. The vet/car/council tax bill is due next week.”

“Ok.”

brucesallen.com

However, after a while, life inevitably gets in the way. The cute little underwear bought to impress starts to morph into enormous knickers and sexy night dresses become flannel pyjamas. The hair goes up and the make-up comes off. What is left is essentially the real versions of ourselves.

While I love love, I condradict myself in that real life I am not an overly romantic person and I resent the fact that on this one particular day I am expected to be, in essence, ‘romantic.’ Yet February 14th has no connection for me and The Bloke – our anniversary is in November. What if we’re not in the mood that day? What if one of us is ill, or we’ve had a bad day at work. What if I have a stack of marking that needs to be completed?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Here’s a poem,
Now shut your face.