GE2015: Fifty Shades Of Numpty

Posted on May 8, 2015 by suzie81speaks

After today’s election result I have come to the decision that Britain must be made up of masochists – it must be the reason why Fifty Shades sold so many copies over here. Granted, the pickings were slim and we essentially had two choices: Odo from Star Trek or Wallace from Wallace and Gromit.

Separated at birth…

It was hardly a Rumble in the Jungle, more of a posh girly slap fight in the park with lots of added graphics and a massive jigsaw of the UK on the floor, but I have been riveted since early this morning.

Cracking cheese, Gromit!

After being whipped by Odo for the last five years, it seemed common sense to me that people would prefer to give Wallace a chance to exercise his cat o nine tails. There would certainly be pain, but the hope was there that he would possibly go a little easier on us… There was also the added bonus in that a certain Twitter antagonist and all-round wind-up merchant said she would leave the country if Wallace won. It seemed like a win/win situation all round.

Unfortunately, the British public obviously likes pain. Lots of it. And when the chance to slow it down arrived, we patted Odo on the head, told him that it was ok, rolled over and asked for more.

I don’t like pain. I don’t like being in a job that is so stressful it has made me ill. I don’t like waiting for hours in an emergency room because there isn’t enough funding for hospital staff. I don’t like watching my friends lose their jobs, or people lose their homes because they have more bedrooms than people. I don’t like having to bail banks out while their CEOs and shareholders received six figure bonuses.

So, for those of you, like me, who need cheering up today, here is the only thing that I have found that has made me smile on what I consider to be a dark day in British political history…

Yes, it’s a kitten, from underneath.

I hope I am proven wrong…

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Hope For Change? Why I Voted Today

Posted on May 7, 2015 by suzie81speaks

Is it more of a case of voting for the best of a bad bunch?

Politics was always an important issue in my childhood home. My father was a local councillor, lots of our family friends were local politicians and as soon as I turned eighteen it was insured that I was registered to vote. During my first General Election vote, I was marched to the Polling Station as soon as it opened.

I have voted in every election since, because I can. A hundred years ago, women fought and gave their lives so I could have the right to do so. I’m lucky to live in a democracy of sorts, and I truly believe that this is one of the only situations in life where my voice is considered to be as valued and as equal as everyone else’s, regardless of economic standing, race, religion and beliefs. Most importantly, I vote because the people that we elect do have the power to make a genuine difference to the lives that we lead, be it positive or negative, and I want to be able to have a say in that, however small my voice may be.

During the last election I unwittingly assisted the government in forming a coalition, the leader of the party that I voted for went back on everything that he had promised during his campaign, and during the last few years the Education Secretary for the coalition has single handedly been allowed to destroy the profession that I work in. The country is in a mess. Budget cuts has resulted in the closure of local councils, fewer police, NHS staff and resources, Bedroom Tax has forced thousands of people to leave their homes, there are hundreds of thousands of people living on the street while houses are left uninhabited, students are having to put themselves into thousands of pounds worth of debt to be able to go to university, and nearly a million people used food banks last year to support their families.

Even the kids are sick of hearing it…

This year, I faced a dilemma. I want someone to represent me that has an understanding of what real life is actually like. I want my government to have extensive experience and knowledge in the area that they are responsible for. I want to be told the truth in simple, straightforward sentences. I want someone that is strong, who is trustworthy, competent, and who genuinely has the interest of the British public at the forefront of everything that they do. Unfortunately, in my opinion, there isn’t a single party leader that demonstrates these qualities. Of all of the candidates, there isn’t one of them that I have respect for, or a faith in any of them that they will make a positive difference. For me, politics is more about words, image and one – upmanship rather than action. No question is ever answered directly, sentences littered with buzz words and statistics that are designed to confuse the subject have replaced a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response. Nobody ever accepts responsibility or wants to be accountable for their actions, instead preferring to blame the opposition (or unbelievably, immigrants in the case of one party) for the fact that they are incompetent at their job.

The question is, how do you vote for someone that you believe to be the best of a bad bunch?

I always put time into being as knowledgeable as I can about the different party manifestos, but this time I have looked a little more closely at my local candidates and made my decision based upon that, as well as the big picture. I may not have faith, but I have hope – hope that my vote won’t be wasted, hope that things will change for the better.

Ultimately, and most importantly, I hope that British public take note from the Scottish Independence Referendum last year with their 85% turnout, and exercise their right to vote today…

How To Fail at Being a Brit

Posted on May 5, 2015 by suzie81speaks

With the birth of a new princess, the countdown to Queen Elizabeth II becoming the longest serving monarch in history and the upcoming General Election, the country is in the throes of analysing and celebrating all that is British.

However, according to how we are stereotypically portrayed around the world, I am clearly failing at being a Brit:

1. I have good teeth, and I go to the dentist. They are’t brown or crooked, they don’t stick out and I have them all, unlike the snaggle-toothed lovelies that are always shown on the television.

2. I don’t live in London. It always makes me smile when I am abroad, and their response when they find out that I’m English is “ooh, where in London are you from.” Contrary to popular belief, England is made of millions of towns and cities that are nowhere near London. While I love the city, I live over a hundred miles away.

3. I don’t live in a castle. I live in a little terraced house with a small garden – it’s my own little castle but hardly along the same scale as Windsor. I don’t think I would like to live in a castle anyway – the heating bills alone would be a bitch.

4. I don’t know the Queen, nor am I best friends with Prince William. I am very much a royalist, but I don’t have Prince Harry’s phone number. I’m sure they’re lovely, and I’m certain that if we lived down the road from each other we would be popping round to each others houses all the time, but I have never met any of them. I have, however, met Prince Edward when some of my students did a performance for him. Nice bloke. He seemed a bit quiet, but I bet he’s a scream after a couple of pints.

5. I don’t own a Union Jack item of clothing. However, if I did, I wouldn’t be camping outside a hospital whilst wearing it, waving banners and screaming at television cameras, waiting for a baby to be born.

6. I don’t use red telephone boxes. In fact, it’s very rare that you’ll see any British person using these to make a phonecall. This serves as a place for urinating after a drunken night out, or for tourists to have their photographs taken in.

7. I don’t like tea. My father and grandfather had an obsession with the stuff and would spend their days making endless cups. I, however, think it tastes like socks. Don’t ask me how I know that.

8. I have never watched an episode of Downton Abbey. Try not to fall off your chair. Dame Maggie Smith is a legend, but it just doesn’t interest me.

9. I don’t speak like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, nor like a member of the Royal Family. I grew up in the north of England, which means that I have quite a thick Lancashire accent. If you want to gain an idea, watch a Peter Kay stand up show on YouTube – he is from the same town as me. Common. As. Muck.

10. I’m not a snob. I don’t care how much money you earn, where you’re from and what you own. If you’re an arsehole, you’re an arsehole, whether you’re a rich or poor arsehole.

11. I don’t like football, or come to think of it, cricket or golf. My sister and father are huge Manchester United fans, I grew up near the Bolton Wanderers Stadium, I can tell you what offside is and of course, I’ll watch the World Cup matches. However, I will roll my eyes when I hear the word ‘soccer.’ Take heed.

12. I think English cuisine is lovely and I am more than willing to try food from all over the world. Yes, I have been known to chow down on a face-full of fish and chips in my time, but I have also eaten lots beautiful food at restaurants all around the country. And, to be fair, if you can’t eat a Yorkshire pudding or a crumpet with a smile on your face and a glow in your heart then there is something wrong with you…

13. I can’t queue. I hate them, as I always seem to get stuck between the impatient woman who is tutting, huffing and loudly complaining, and the man with a cold who keeps sneezing into my hair. Where possible, I’ll go away and come back when the queue has gone. Unless I’m queuing to get into a Bon Jovi concert. I never mind queuing for that.

14. I have never worn a bowler hat and I don’t carry a large black umbrella around with me. Nor has anyone I have ever met. In fact, the only people that I have ever seen wearing them are characters in 1950’s films. Oh, and Matt Smith…

What about you? What stereotypes are assumed about you because of your nationality?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks