Note To Self

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Yesterday I decided to edit my Facebook account, deleting unwanted photographs and removing people that I haven’t spoken to in over a year. 

 
Inevitably I ended up trawling through   my previous status updates, going back as far as 2007. What I noticed was that I seem to post similar things in patterns, one being in the form of a ‘Note To Self’ whenever I had done something particularly stupid that day. I thought I’d collate some of them and share them with you…
 
Ten Notes To Self:

When feeling inspired to cook, follow the instructions exactly and avoid substituting ingredients for ‘the next best thing’ because you can’t be bothered to go to the shop. This will prevent the resulting meal from tasting like vomit. 
 
There is such a thing as too much garlic.
 
Drunkenly calling a man from Birmingham a ‘yam yam’ (slang term for a different area) in a chip shop in the early hours of the morning is not a good way to make friends, even if he insulted your accent first… 
 
Wearing those shoes will be fabulous for the first five minutes. The rest of the night will be spent in utter agony. Next time, stick to flats…
 
When cooking a Linda McCartney lasagne it is a good idea to remove the plastic film from the top first. This will prevent your food being ruined and your oven from smelling like a plastics factory.
 
Do not allow your friends to film you during your drunken karaoke performances. Watching the video the next day will completely destroy the misconception that you were actually any good. 
 
Replacing the word ‘Stingray’ with ‘bin bags’ in the Stingray theme tune and singing it loudly when you put your rubbish out will very likely cause your neighbours to think you have issues.
 
You may know all the dance moves to Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies.’ However, your version closely resembles that of a frog in a blender. Stop doing it when you’re on a night out – people are beginning to pity you.
 
Happiness is not found in that unbelievably massive chocolate bar. However, cellulite is and you’ll spend the next week regretting it, however yummy it is. 
 
If you have to be up early the next morning it is not a good idea to watch YouTube videos in bed… Two hours sleep is not a good way to start the day.
 
I think a huge facepalm would be appropriate at this point… Or just this – a look similar to the ones I receive from The Bloke…
 
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Picture Credit: Google Images
 

‘Laughing Viking,’ ‘A Smear Of Ice-Cream,’ and ‘Puke Face.’

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I’m becoming a bit of a stat obsessive lately and I find it interesting to see what countries people are from, and how they found me. A few months ago I saw a really funny search that someone had made, and so I’ve been keeping a record of the strangest ones ever since. These are the most random and obscure searches that people have typed into their search engine, and have stumbled across my blog.

A while ago I created a post based on fabulous acts of revenge. One of the examples included a girl posting a picture of her boyfriend’s lover’s dirty panties on Facebook, while another included how a man got even with his cheating ex-wife. Consequently, this means that dirty panty enthusiasts and vengeful ex’s find my blog by typing in these ditties…

‘Dirty panties.’
‘Soiled dirty thong.’
‘Sexy dirty panties.’
‘Revenge on cheating ex-wife.’
‘Satisfying revenge on my ex-wife.’
‘Email revenge.’
‘Cheaters spam revenge.’
And then there’s the random searches. Some I understand, others I don’t – I’ve kept the spellings exactly as they were written.
‘Puke face.’ (Good grief)
‘English girls & trousers humour.’
‘Try whistle girlfriend skinny.’
‘I want to post crap on a blog’ (slightly insulting that my blog appeared).
‘So;otery.’
‘Pizza Express complaint.’
‘A fat log.’
‘How nuch are crap.’
‘Clever and funny pantomimes.’
‘Laughing Viking.’
‘I’m 99 sure that I’m a Disney princess.’
‘A smear of ice-cream.’
‘Attached dinner confidence.’
‘Why arnt here gay Disney prince.’
‘Meh blog.’ (Again, slightly insulted)

The mind boggles. Wishing you a goodnight… From ‘Puke Face.’

Picture Credit: google images

Fabulous Acts Of Revenge

We all have those days where we fantasise about enacting revenge on those that have done us wrong. After this morning’s incident with my annoying neighbour I started thinking about revenge tactics, which inevitably lead to the development of this post. I’ve compiled a list of some of my favourite acts of revenge. Before I begin, I’d like to categorically state that I don’t condone any of these. I do, however, find them fabulous, inventive and inspiring and thought that I’d share them with you…

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1. Dirty Panties

Girl finds another woman’s soiled panties at her house. Suffice to say, she wasn’t particularly happy about the situation.

Her revenge? Name and shame on Facebook. I obtained this from:

http://www.happyplace.com/14807/the-most-bitterly-satisfying-acts-of-revenge-on-an-ex-after-a-breakup

2. Cheating Wife

A man discovered his wife was cheating on him with his best friend.

His revenge? He sold two hundred sexy photos of her on eBay. The man offered the CD snaps of blonde Linsey, 24, at £4.99 each. Within 24 hours all the pictures had been bought.

The man explained: “She was playing away with my so-called best friend and now it’s payback time.”

 

image3. Cold Call Revenge

Richard Herman, a 53-year-old from the UK, was repeatedly cold-called by one particular firm, despite being registered with the Telephone Preference Service, which should have prevented these calls from happening. He decided to take action.

His revenge? He told the representative that he would be charging the company £10 a minute wasting his time and electricity and would be recording the calls as proof. Despite this, they called again, for nearly twenty minutes, and so he issued them with an invoice for £195. After thirty days he hadn’t received a payment and so he took the company to the small claims court. He won. The company paid his requested fees and £25 court costs.

Photo Credit: David Parker

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4. Australian child body slams his bully.

Sixteen-year-old Casey Heynes was the target of repeat bullying by students at a school in Sydney, Australia.

His revenge? After repeatedly being harassed over several years Heynes decided to get revenge on the considerably smaller bully in 2012 by body slamming him to the floor. The incident was filmed, and the video went viral. Despite the clear act of self-defense, the school made the decision to suspend both students once the video began to circulate online. Heynes has since become a poster boy for anti-bullying campaigns and has appeared many times on Australian television. I, along with many others, don’t condone violence, but I must admit I applauded him for finally standing up for himself.

Photo Credit: Heraldsun.au.com

5. Alan Ralsky

Ralsky was an entrepreneur from Michigan who was known as the ‘spam king’ after sending millions of spam e-mails on behalf of various businesses. After a feature appeared in a newspaper about him local residents worked out his address.

Their revenge? They signed him up for junk mail on hundreds of websites, and sent junk flyers to his home. At it’s height, Ralsky was receiving hundreds of pounds of junk mail a day.

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6. The Queen’s Royal Guards

Traditionally, the Royal Guards play for any visiting foreign dignitaries upon their visit to meet the Queen. The visit of Saudi King Abdullah was marred with controversy, mainly due to his tolerance of human rights abuses and his promotion of books such as ‘Why Women Deserve To Die.’ However, us Brits don’t like to beak tradition and despite their personal feelings it was decided that they should indeed play for the King’s Royal reception at Buckingham Palace.

Their revenge? The band greeted the King with a heart-felt rendition of ‘The Imperial March’, Darth Vader’s theme from ‘Star Wars.’ Brilliant.

And finally, the best act of revenge has to go to:

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7. George Lucas

Lucas spent twenty-five years attempting to build an enormous digital media centre in his property in California, creating up to six hundred jobs and bringing large amounts of income to local businesses. However, he faced constant opposition from rich local residents, who complained about potential noise and light pollution and increased traffic.

His revenge? Lucas grew tired of the constant battle and so he sold the property to the Marin Community Foundation, a non-profit organisation that are planning to build low-income housing on the land. This has terrified local residents, who have claimed that this proposal in going to throw the area into a state of “sheer terror” and have accused Lucas of “class warfare”. Serves the snobby residents right.

Photo credit: starwars.wikia.com

What about you guys? Have you ever taken an act of revenge on somebody else? Has somebody you know got what they deserve?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog