Overheard Conversations

Posted on November 7, 2014 by suzie81speaks

think.bigchief.it

Warning: adult (and stupid) content.

“Are you still with ____?’

A young man was smoking a cigarette with a group of his friends in the beer garden this evening. He was shivering in just his T Shirt and jeans in the cold wind, and he turned round to see a girl standing behind him. He seemed angry.

“What? Me?”

The girl took a step towards him and pointed at him.

“Yeah, are you still with ___?”

He obviously wasn’t in the mood for an argument, so he turned his back on her and ignored her.

Bad decision. She moved around so that she was facing him.

“I’ve lost all respect for you mate. You’re with ____ and now you’re messing about with that silly sl*g? You haven’t even seen her for months! Who do you think you are?”

My friend and I had stopped talking by this point, distracted by what was happening behind us. The woman stormed off. The man shrugged it off and laughed. They all went back inside and my friend and I continued our conversation. A few minutes later, the same man and an obviously drunk woman came outside. She had her arms tightly around his neck and I got the impression that he was a little uncomfortable and was trying to push her off.

“I love you. You’re beautiful. You’re a beautiful man. We’re meant to be together. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m sorry I kicked you out. We’re meant to be together you and me. I’ve not seen you for four months. I’ve never loved anyone like you. You know what we’re going to do tonight? We’re going to go home and sh*g. I’m going to sh*g you like there’s no tomorrow. And then we can be together for the rest of our lives. Me and you. I’m sorry I kicked you out…”

She then started singing the chorus of Sam Smith’s ‘Stay With Me’ repeatedly. He went back inside and her friend came out to check that she was ok. The drunk girl carried on ranting.

“I can’t believe I’ve seen him again after all this time. I love him so much. I’ve been thinking about him all this time and now he’s here.” She then proceeded to share what she intended to do to him that evening. I’m quite an open person, but her graphic description even turned my stomach a little. She knocked her pint over, spilling beer everywhere and smashing the glass on the floor. They went back inside.

A few minutes later, the man and his friends returned.

“Are you going home with her tonight mate?”

The man laughed and took a drag from his cigarette.

“Well, I’m drunk and she’s up for it, so I might as well.” His friends laughed.

“Besides, she’s got nice t*ts.”

It may have been 4.30pm, but the dramatics can be found at any time of day or night at my local. Ah, love’s young dream. Unfortunately, I get the impression that it may not end quite how the girl (or the man’s girlfriend) is expecting. However, it’s still a better love story that Twilight.

Have you ever heard a conversation from different perspectives that made you smile?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog.

I Can’t Find My Hair: Drunken Ramblings As Inspirational Posters

Posted on June 2, 2014 by suzie81speaks

Unlike some, I love memes and inspirational quotes and I often use them in my posts. Some make me laugh, some make me think, others genuinely provide me with motivation for the day. The inspirational quotes in particular often appear in the same format – a carefully selected font over the top of a beautiful image.

A while ago I read a post in which Danny Dyer’s twitter entries (English actor with a thick cockney accent) were used as an inspiration for such memes – things like ‘Noone asks Santa what he wants for Christmas. Bless him, the fat bearded pisshead…’ made me laugh, and it made me think about the drunken ramblings from people that I’ve heard over the years. I asked my friends for some of the funniest things they’ve ever heard someone say when drunk, and I edited them as inspirational posters…

What about you guys? What are the funniest things that you’ve ever heard somebody say when drunk?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and on my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

My Tree Looks Drunk

Posted on December 9, 2013 by suzie81speaks

Today I have worked really hard. Mondays are usually spent catching up with the blog and reading posts that I may have missed (I don’t work on a Monday and affectionately refer to this day as my ‘day of bliss’), but today I decided to take the opportunity to organise the house now the kitchen has been finished. After seven hours of moving and unpacking boxes I’ve found that I can actually move around the living room without having to resort to movements that would make a professional contortionist proud. I was in ‘the zone’ – the shelves were filled, the empty boxes were thrown away at breakneck speed and in my infinitely ridiculous wisdom I also decided that it would also be a good idea to put the Christmas tree up.

I have an artificial tree that The Bloke and I bought several years ago. I’d love a real one, but with three house cats it’s a pointless concept – they attack any plants in the house and I don’t want to spend any more money on vets bills. I usually adore the process of setting out the decorations and I have been known to spend several hours making it look as beautiful as possible while singing along to cheesy Christmas songs.

While I normally hate maths in any form, I have the perfect equation that may be useful for anyone in a similar situation.

Christmas Tree + Three Cats + Lights + Baubles = STUPID IDEA.

I am an idiot.

After standing on each cat several times, shutting them out and watching them open the door by themselves, blocking the door and listening to them cry loudly, wrestling the lights out of the jaws of one cat and yelling at another to stop knocking the baubles off I managed to throw the tree together in a record time – I was so stressed out that I wanted to finish it as soon as possible. There were no Christmas songs and no Christmas spirit, just an overwhelming urge to give up and go for lunch at the pub.

It reminded me of the ever fabulous ‘Simon’s Cat’ and the wonderful Christmas episode ‘Santa Claws.’

Unfortunately, the tree now looks like it has been drinking heavily for the last eleven months. In fact, it looks positively sozzled. I’m sure that somewhere in the loft of the old house there are several empty bottles of gin that the tree and decorations have been indulging in since we put them away last year. I’m too embarrassed to put up a full picture, so instead I’ve just included a bauble.

Incidentally, now I’ve finished, the cats are now sound asleep – after a day of excitement, they’ve managed to tire themselves out. Unfortunately, they’ve tired me out too. It’s a good job they’re cute.

Hope your Monday has been less stressful! You can also find me on Twitter @Suzie81blog

In response to the Weekly Writing Challenge.

Image credit: cheezeburger.com
Simons Cat courtesy of Simon Tofield