I Think My Cat Is Plotting To Kill Me…

It’s been a tough few weeks, and I’m grateful that I now have a week off in order to be able to recharge my batteries. That is, unless my cat, Daisy, carries out whatever murderous activity she is planning.

I had brought a duvet downstairs on Saturday afternoon so I could relax whilst catching up on the blog. I was joined by Daisy and her brother, Poppy, (yes, I know it’s a girl’s name – it’s a long story) and I expected her to curl up and go asleep like she usually does. Instead, she poked her head above the cover and just STARED at me for about half an hour. It wasn’t the cute, slightly sleepy stare that I usually receive from her either – she was clearly plotting to hurt me. Perhaps it’s in revenge for all those insulin injections I give her (she’s diabetic), or perhaps she’s just finally snapped after hearing me sing at her for the millionth time that day. There was an evil look in her eyes:

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Either way, it’s not looking good. What do you think? Is my cat plotting to kill me?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

 

Alternative Ideas for Christmas Presents

Warning: adult content

It’s the season for gatherings, celebrations and showing your loved ones how much you care by giving them meaningful gifts and over the years I have been extremely lucky to have been spoilt with things that have been thoughtful and useful from my family and friends.

While it is always important to remember to be grateful and remind ourselves that it it is the thought that counts, there are always those items that make us stop and scratch our heads when presented with them. A friend of mine once told me that she was given a book on tropical plant care from 1984 by a relative – it was a nice idea, except that she lived in a one bedroom apartment in the UK with no garden or even a balcony, where the climate is far from tropical, and she has never owned or maintained any form of plant life except a persistent patch of mould in her bathroom.

Have you run out of ideas? Are you looking to give entertaining presents to someone in your life? Here are a list of ideas from Amazon.com, along with a helpful review to assist you in your decision making.

 

image1. A Gentlemen’s Ball Scratcher

Price: £11.67

Useful for? Any man who struggles with scratching himself in those hard to reach areas.

Review: I’ve been using the ball scratcher for almost a day now, but have to say that it should be used with care. It seems to have upset several of the people whose balls I’ve tried to scratch with it. Maybe it’s best kept for personal use. (Harold Moldsworth)

 

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2. Sigmund Freud Action Figure

Price: £49.99

Useful for? Children who think too much, psychology students, Action Man fans.

Review: This Freud toy makes a perfect addition to my Action Man collection. Now, after playing with my Action Man figures, they can come back from operations for a session with the esteemed doctor and deal with any post traumatic stress they may be experiencing. He proved invaluable after a particularly vigorous play session, when my favourite Frog-Man Action Man nearly drowned on manoeuvres in the bath. After untangling him from the plug chain and reviving him with my Field Doctor figurine, a quick session with Sigmund and he was ready to go back out into theatre and tackle a dangerous black-op in the garden pond. The sessions did bring a few issues to the surface (from the barracks during basic training) but that in turn led to a better understanding of why he joined the Navy instead of the RAF; and also why he enjoys the feel of his rubber suit and gimp-like breathing apparatus so much. (The Truth)

 

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3. Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross

Price: £2,500

Useful for? Those who are looking to transcend the drudgery of daily life and seek out enlightenment, Paul Ross enthusiasts.

Review: WOW! I’ve been looking for a 20 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross since my (completely inferior) 18 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross was damaged during a Barium Enema. Thankfully this Canvass really is excellent. The quality of print complements the sheer majesty of Paul’s cherubic face. For a while I considered mounting a large number of these on my ceiling to create a Paul Ross canvass ceiling but unfortunately I realised that this is what my wife would be staring at during our frenzied horizontal moments, and what kind of a man can compare to Paul Ross in the bedroom? “No-one” I hear you cry! I’ve ordered four of these now: One of them is above the fireplace and is naturally the pride of our entire home. On the second canvass I’ve cut out the section where Paul’s face is, and when I drive to pick up the kids I wear the canvass and pretend that I’m a famous celebrity dad, the kids simply love it. The third is purely for recreational purposes, I’ve cut a whole where Paul’s mouth would be because my wife has demanded that we French kiss through the hole (I want to point out that I wear the canvass for kissing, not her! Although I’d gladly turn for just one of Paul’s tender mouth hugs.) The fourth is a backup. In summary – hot shot city is a particularly good track. (Mr M.P. Corner)

 

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4. Suduko Toilet Roll

Price: £5.99

Useful for? Those who view visits to the toilet as an educational experience.

Review: This product is an excellent idea, but ultimately flawed. At £6.95 a roll, I couldn’t bear to use any of the sheets until I had completed the puzzles on them. While my suduko skills have been improving with practice, the effectiveness of the product’s primary function was somewhat reduced after having to complete an hour or so of puzzle-solving before application. Also, Doreen was rather severely unimpressed when I proudly showed her my solution to a particularly tricky puzzle that I had salvaged from a watery grave. (Wayne Redhart)

 

image5. The Vagina Colouring Book by Tee Corinne (crayons not included)

Price: £6.41

Useful for? Biology and erotic art students, aspiring illustrators.

Review: I bought the C*nt Coloring Book after coming across it in Stephen Fry’s latest memoirs “More Fool Me”. I was intrigued. Fingering through the book exposed bold, well defined vaginas of varying size and hair growth. The annual household game of Christmas “charades” is now replaced by a colouring competition. The winner receiving a packet of ginger nut biscuits and a jar of Branston original chutney. (David Curtis)

What about you guys? Have you got any ideas for alternative Christmas presents?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

 

The Cat Owner’s Guide To Wrapping Christmas Presents

Items needed:

  • Presents
  • Wrapping paper
  • Ribbon
  • Gift tags
  • Scissors
  • Sticky tape
  • Two cats: Cat A that has decided he wants a cuddle and Cat B that has just woken up after sleeping for the majority of the day and is in the mood to play.

Instructions:

Step 1: Sit on floor in the middle of the room. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 2: Take out items needed from carrier bag, having previously purchased them that day from the only card shop in your local area amidst a fury of seemingly angry women and their screaming children. Stop Cat B from sniffing the scissors.

Step 3: Cut strips of sticky tape and stick them along the edge of the wooden coffee table to make the wrapping process easier. Stop Cat B from batting at the sticky tape.

Step 4: Remove wrapping paper from clear plastic film. Stop Cat B from attempting to chew this. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 5. Unroll wrapping paper and attempt to cut out required amount of wrapping paper on the floor. Remove Cat A from the middle of the paper. End up cutting out paper while standing up. Stop Cat B from batting sticky tape.

Step 6: Wrap present while Cat A sticks his nose in the middle of the paper. Avoid accidentally sticking Cat A’s whiskers to the paper when adding sticky tape. Notice that Cat B is shaking her paw furiously and realise that she has got a piece of sticky tape stuck to it. Remove sticky tape from paw. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 7: Cut ribbon. Stop Cat A and Cat B from playing with the ends of ribbon.

Step 8: Write gift tag. Write another gift tag after Cat B, who is still on a personal mission to play with the ribbon, pounces and nudges the pen, resulting in a line across the original gift tag.

Step 9: Stand up to cut another piece of wrapping paper out. Sit back down and place wrapping paper on floor. Remove Cat A from paper. Stand up to cut another piece of paper after Cat A digs claws into paper during removal process, ripping a hole in the middle of it.

Step 10: Repeat Steps 6 and 7.

Step 11: Remove both cats from room and continue to wrap presents. Listen to Cat B cry loudly for ten minutes.

Step 12: Go upstairs after remembering a forgotten present. Upon your return, remove Cat A from carrier bag.

Step 13: Wrap present surprisingly easily. Spend ten minutes looking for pen to write gift card. Discover Cat B playing with pen on kitchen floor.

Step 14: Return to room to find Cat A chewing on the corner of the ribbon on one of the presents. Remove ribbon from Cat A’s mouth, only to discover a large patch of cat slobber on the corner of the paper. Re-wrap present.

Step 15: Give discarded ribbon to Cat A. Watch as Cat A sniffs it and walks away.

Step 16: Take out some gift bags to put presents in. Start to place presents in first bag. Remove Cat B from second bag. Stop Cat A from chewing on handle of third bag.

Step 17: Place filled bags in wardrobe. Sit on couch to write Christmas cards. Hear a faint cry from upstairs. Remove cat from wardrobe.

It’s a good job they’re cute…

Exhibit A: Daisy (Cat B)

Exhibit A: Daisy (Cat B)

What about you guys? Do your animals make a seemingly easy process much more complicated?

You can find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Image 1 credit: newschoolnomads.com

 

Say What Now?

Warning: adult content.

After twenty months of blogging and hundreds of posts that cover a whole range of topics, I have started to take great delight in the frequently obscure searches that lead to Suzie81 Speaks. While I can link some of these to things I have written, I still find some baffling and at times, hilarious. There are clearly lots of different types of people that read my blog:

1. The Apathetic Authorsimage

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Thanks. It’s nice to see that my blog appears when these sentences are typed in…

2. The Aspiring DoctorimageI have no medical training whatsoever, but I can guess that the answer to this is no.

3. Animal Loversimage

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I have never met anyone that has believed that they are a badger, nor have I attempted to cuddle one. However, judging from video footage of honey badgers I have seen, I would advise against it. I have also seen the baby monkey and pig video. It’s pointless and the song that goes with it is guaranteed to stick in your head for days afterwards.

4. The Aromatherapist

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Old Spice for the belly button? The other fragrance manufacturers are clearly missing out on a section of the market here.

5. The Textile Enthusiastsimage

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The top one is one of fourteen references I have received about panties, often accompanied by the word ‘dirty.’ However, the second one was a little more obscure – I’d love to find the person who wrote that and discover what happened afterwards…

6. The Food Loversimage

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I have never tasted my own (or anybody else’s) feet, but after inspecting my gnarly toes I can’t imagine that it would be a pleasant experience for anybody.

7. The Disney Enthusiasts.image

Does anyone know what rule 34 is? I only found out today. Nice. How the heck does that lead to my blog???

8. The Wishful Thinkersimageimage

I would suggest that the collective response to both of these is Viagra… Lots of Viagra.

9. The Angry Peopleimage

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Steps on how to piss somebody off? That’s a whole blog in itself!

10. The Revenge Seeker

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This is one of many search terms from men that appear to want revenge on their ex-wives. It’s quite disturbing.

11. The Big Thinkersimageimage

I would love to find out how to spend the day doing nothing at work – I’m exhausted by the time I get home! And did Ray J and Justin Beaver have sex? More to the point – Justin Beaver or Justin Bieber? Is this his porn star equivalent?

12. The Randomsimageimageimage

Erm… Right.

13. The Biographerimage

Emily Dickinson may have indeed been an emo. What it has to do with anything I’ve written on my blog though, I haven’t a clue.

14. The Beauticianimage

Clearly another area where the manufacturers of beauty products are missing out.

What about you guys? What weird and wonderful search terms have led somebody to your blog?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks.

 

Reflections of Summer: My Favourite Posts

It’s almost the end of the UK summer and in a few days I will be back at work, ready for the start of a new academic year. The last few weeks have been the quickest I have known for a long time, and while I have spent a large amount of time doing school – based activities I have been able to relax and catch up with friends, films and some much needed sleep.

I have blogged on a daily basis, my posts reflecting my mood and ideas that I have thought of during my adventures. I still have a number of posts to finish off, which I intend to do this weekend, but I thought it would be a nice idea to share with you my favourite and most successful ones of the last six weeks for those who may have had a blogging break and missed them. Rather than reblogging each one, I have collated the all into one post. To view them, simply click on the images below.

Cheri Lucas Rowlands/The Daily Post

Revisiting My Youth

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A Tale of a Sociopath

The Teachings of Ralph Wiggum

The Teachings of Ralph Wiggum

Would You Like Fries With That?

Would You Like Fries With That?

There is Always a Light

There is Always a Light

29 Things Television Has Taught Me

29 Things Television Has Taught Me

A Children's TV Presesnter?

A Children’s TV Presesnter?

12 Reasons Wy I am Rubbish at Being English

12 Reasons Wy I am Rubbish at Being English

I Am White

I Am White

Let's Talk About Blogging Numbers

Let’s Talk About Blogging Numbers

Pearls of Wisdom From a Thirty-Something Man

Pearls of Wisdom From a Thirty-Something Man

The WordPress Community Experiment

The WordPress Community Experiment

12 Things Men Should Know About Women

12 Things Men Should Know About Women

I Remember

I Remember

Things People Say...

Things People Say…

If We Were Having Coffee

If We Were Having Coffee

Blog Envy and Trolls

Blog Envy and Trolls

If I Knew Then: What I've Learned About Blogging

If I Knew Then: What I’ve Learned About Blogging

10 Things I Love About My Country: Music

10 Things I Love About My Country: Music

Why I Don't Believe in Soulmates

Why I Don’t Believe in Soulmates

 

What about you guys? Which of these has been your favourite post of the summer?
You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Would You Like Fries With That?

esq-burger-081009-lgI worked at a well known fast food restaurant for nearly two years in my teens. It wasn’t my choice, more my mother’s, who marched me down to the job centre at the age of sixteen, demanding that I start earning money and stop treating her house like a hotel. This was the only job that was suitable for my age and skillset at the time, and even though I would have rather poked myself in the eye repeatedly than set foot in those doors I soon I found myself standing behind a till, sporting my newly ironed uniform and a fake smile that would have put many Hollywood actresses to shame, for the princely sum of £3.20 an hour.

It wasn’t where I was working that was the problem – a job is a job and I was lucky to be working in the unstable economic climate of the last twenty years – it was the horror stories that had accompanied my place of employment. I had a number of friends that worked in similar places and they had regaled me with stories of rotten food, bodily fluids and aggressive members of the public, and I dreaded what was going to happen.

You may have heard the stories yourself. And I’ll tell you – they’re absolutely true, or at least they were when I worked there. Every one of them.

1. If I were given £1.00 for every time I saw the kitchen staff openly cough and sneeze on the food, pick patties up off the floor and continue to cook them and not wash their hands after they had come back from a break, I could have retired by now.

2. The smell of grease permeated everything – my skin, my clothes and my hair. A bath wouldn’t make the smell go away.

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3. After a busy shift, a man ordered a sandwich without mayo. As we were just about to close, we had emptied the vats ready for cleaning and the only sandwiches left were the ones that had already been made. I witnessed a manager scrape the mayo off, lick the sandwich clean and serve it to the customer. He laughed as he watched the man eat it, telling us to ‘get a sense of humour’ when we told him he was wrong.

4. I served a customer a drink. I watched him drink half of it, and then he came back and asked to speak to the manager, claiming that I had only filled his cup half way and it needed topping up. After lots of arguments, the manager gave in and gave him a new one, filled as full as possible. As he walked away, the customer winked at me.

5. I frequently saw customers order chicken nuggets, eat one or two in the box and then claim that they hadn’t been given enough and request more.

6. A man used to come into the store every Sunday and he would order a burger with no meat. After a few months I asked him about his order. He smiled and said: ‘I’m a vegetarian.’ I told him that we made vegeburgers and his reply was one of the best things that I’ve ever heard. “I don’t like vegetables.”

7. I had five stars on my badge. I didn’t earn a single one of them.

8. I was asked to help out with a children’s halloween party at the store, which involved my face being painted to represent a scary pumpkin. Unfortunately, the person responsible for doing the face paints wasn’t particularly artistic and when she had finished my face looked like Jackson Pollack had been experimenting with black and orange crayon on my face.  After the party had ended, my manager put me on the Drive Thru window and wouldn’t allow me to wash my face. I had to endure two hours of abuse from car passengers as they were ordering food. Some of them threw things at me.

9. A woman threatened to sue because there weren’t any Mr Men toys in her children’s meals. The Mr Men promotion had finished the year before.

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10. A woman had a screaming fit at a manager because she couldn’t hear the employee in the drive-thru and ‘our speaker system was faulty.’ She didn’t take into consideration the four screaming children in her car.

11. A man threatened to ‘kick my head in’ because he waited a few minutes for a burger.

12. A small child didn’t like gherkins, but his mother hadn’t ordered a burger for him without them. When he discovered them, he took it upon himself to throw them at the staff behind the tills. He then started throwing everything he could from other peoples tables – cartons, left over food, drinks. When my manager yelled at him, his mother screamed at him that we were all ‘racists’ for picking on her son.

13. You don’t want to know what goes into milkshakes and ice-creams.

14. I worked at another store in the centre of town for a few weeks as they were short-staffed. A really rude young girl started working at the store, caused lots of trouble and had lots of complaints made against her, only to be promoted to Floor Manager within a few weeks. We discovered that she was sleeping with the one of the assistant managers.

15. The staff regularly sneaked into the stock room to steal the Cadbury’s Flakes that were put into the ice-cream during their shift. In fact, the staff stole food all the time.

funny-mcdonalds-meme-pictures16. The managers regularly changed the time cards on the food even though it was technically ‘out of date’ to avoid throwing it away. Some people were served with food that had been sitting there for hours.

17. A couple decided to have drunken sex on the benches next to the drive-thru as we were closing down in the early hours of the morning. Little did they realise, they were directly underneath a security camera and were being watched by half the staff.

18. The staff used the customer toilets if they had a stomach upset, so as not to stink out the staffroom.

However, the good news is that when I visited the store last year, fifteen years after I worked there, I can happily announce that not a single one of the former crew remain. It was clean, it was a positive environment and it is now possible to see the kitchen from the seating area, which appeared to be well managed and under control. What surprised me was how familiar the place smelled – one whiff of those vats and all the memories came flooding back…

It also reminded me just how grateful I am not to be working there anymore – I’ll take angry teenagers and data spreadsheets over that any day!

What about you? Have you got any secrets about a former place of work?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Twelve Things Men Should Know About Women

I love being a woman. We’re strong, independent, beautiful, interesting and complex creatures that have the power to bring new life into the world, and I am lucky in that I am surrounded by many examples of fabulous women on a daily basis. However, I have lots of male friends, perhaps more than I have that are female, and after having many conversations with them I still feel that there are a few misconceptions about my gender than men need to know. Of course, I cannot speak on behalf of every woman, in the same way that I cannot assume that all men have these misconceptions and it certainly isn’t an opportunity to attack the male sex, but I thought I would have a little fun on this dreary Sunday afternoon.

1. We have bodily functions. I am still always surprised by the amount of my male counterparts who haven’t grasped the concept of this. I’m sorry to dispel the myth here fellas, but we poop. We fart. We burp. And most women I know have the capacity to do it far louder than any man. Continue reading

Things People Say and What They Actually Mean

I’ve seen a lot of these lists recently, and they’re all very funny in the fact that they’re absolutely true. I thought I’d add my own from my various experiences of life.

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1. I’ll be there in twenty minutes: I still haven’t got dressed and can’t find my handbag.

2. I’ll be there as soon as I can, I’m still waiting for a taxi: See number 1.

3. It’s not really my style, but I’m sure it would look good on you: I hate that outfit.

4. Well, if that’s your decision then I’ll support you: I totally disagree with your decision but I’m not going to say anything.

5. Do you think I’m overreacting?: I don’t care whether you think I’m overreacting, I expect you to agree with me.

bf

6. As long as he makes you happy: I think he’s a douchebag.

7. I’m going to the bar, does anyone want a drink?: I’m asking when I can see you’ve all got full glasses, but don’t want to be accused of not buying a round.

8. (When asked for a choice between two options) I’m happy with either, you choose: I know what I want to do but don’t want to be responsible for you being bored.

9. I haven’t got any money: I don’t want to go.

10. Ooh, you look really pretty today: I see you’ve bothered to put makeup on today.

11. Sorry I didn’t get your message, I think that there’s something wrong with my phone: I completely forgot to reply to your initial message.

truth

12. Sorry, but… : I’m not sorry, I’m just about to tell you that you’re wrong.

13. Ok, I’ll give it a go: I’m not going to even attempt to do it as I can’t be bothered, but I’m going to ask for help again later on and give the impression that I’ve really tried.

14. I hear what you’re saying, but… : I totally disagree and don’t really want to have any further conversations about it.

15. I was really disappointed when you… : You really p*ssed me off.

16. If you’re free for a catch-up let me know: I know that neither of us are going to contact each other, but I thought I would be polite.

17. It’s not you, it’s me: It’s you. Definitely you.

18. Haha! Only joking! : I wasn’t joking.

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19. Thanks anyway: Thanks for nothing.

20. I’m not ready for a relationship right now: I’m not attracted to you enough to want to be in a monogamous relationship with you.

21. Aww, he’s a little bruiser isn’t he!: Your child is overweight.

22. I’m not feeling well: I want to stay in, watch TV and eat Doritos.

23. Lol: I didn’t laugh, but I am acknowledging the fact that you made a joke.

24. Do you want the last one?: I really want the last one and am hoping that you’ll let me have it.

oh-god-shut-up-harry-potter-animated-graphic

25. I’ll be ok: I’m fed up, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I would like you to shut up now.

26. I’m going to go, I’ve got be to up early for work tomorrow: I’m bored.

27. You look like you need a hand: You’re doing a rubbish job and I think I can do it better.

What about you guys? Do people around you say things that they don’t mean?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

 

Derek’s Happy Ending

imageImagine this: It’s Saturday afternoon and you’re at home, minding you’re own business, when you hear a knock at the door. You open it and find a rather a dishevelled looking woman standing on your doorstep, who promptly asks:

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but have you lost a chicken?”

My neighbours must have thought I was a little strange yesterday. The Bloke and I were desperately trying to find the owner of the chicken (that I named Derek – despite the fact that I have now been informed that Derek is actually a girl chicken…) that had appeared suddenly in our back garden and the only way we could think to do so would be to go and knock on the neighbours houses and see if they could give us any information.

As luck would have it, the chicken’s owners had posted a note through one of the doors and so we were able to locate them fairly quickly. They were quite relieved – they had intitially  thought that a fox may have eaten it – came round to our house to pick it up and I was actually a little emotional at how delighted Derek (whose real name is actually Amy) was to see them! It is obviously treated very well and ran over, clucking away, which I was really pleased to see…

So, all’s well that ends well – Amy the chicken found it’s home and my neighbours think i’m a weirdo…

Just an average Saturday afternoon in my household!

Lava Lamps, Facepalms and Leah Remini

Earlier in the year I posted some of the most random and obscure searches that people have typed into their search engine, and have stumbled across my blog. Recently, this appeared in my stats:

Leah Remini Saved By The Bell

This didn’t concern me  – over the summer I wrote about the 20th Anniversary of Saved By the Bell and I mentioned the fact that she had appeared in one of the special episodes. However, when I investigated further, I noticed that this had been typed in no less that twenty – five times in various instances: Leah Remini teenager, leah remini from saved by the bell, what character was leah remini in saved by the bell, leah remini and saved by the bell…

Similarly, I mentioned Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy in another post. These are the searches I’ve had:

Kim Kardashian Pregnant Boobs
Kim Kardashian Pregnant feet
Kim Kardashian pregnant

Thank you Leah Remini and Kim Kardashian for providing my blog with no less than fifty views between you both!

However, these are positively intellectual in comparison to the others I’ve received recently. I’ve decided to put them into ‘facepalm’ categories. These are worthy of a single facepalm:

church of notre dame timesplitter
felt minnion
blog boobs
Offensive words used for unemployed

obese cinderella
house removal
Squirrel
We can learn to no again

These are certainly worthy of a double facepalm:


Is a lava lamp any kind of waste
Cast Fetish Edinburgh
Feel dirty panties girls and women
Fat barbie dolls Ursula godmother
Wordpress boobs
Old spice belly button
A cat with bog eye

However, these are nothing in comparison to this – definitely a triple facepalm:

write one liners related to life. 4 example : . . life is an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts! . @ / .. . life is ______________

And the best one of all (I actually laughed hysterically at this one) – The Implied facepalm, courtesy of Tommy Lee Jones:

 

“a situation that needs to get unfucked”

Fabulous. Just Fabulous.

Hope you all have a lovely Friday evening!

All pics courtesy of deviant art