I’m on the train to visit my mum for her birthday. Normally I get an early train as there are lots of available seats and a lack of screaming children, but as I’ve had a tough week I decided to have a lie in instead and go in the afternoon.

I’ve written many times about the minor annoyances I have when surrounded by members of the general public – there always seems to be that one person who seems to go out of their way to be as inconsiderate as possible. However, the annoying person on board today is ME – in the last half an hour I have been the biggest pain in the arse for my fellow passengers. Here is how to piss off an entire train load of people in eight easy steps…

1. Bring a large rucksack. Accidentally hit people on their heads with it when walking past.

2. Upon finding a seat, stand on the toe of the person sitting in the adjoining seat.

3. Eat a rather crumbly pasty. Accidentally drop some of your pasty on the bag of the person in the adjoining seat.

4. When rummaging in your rucksack to find your headphones, accidentally elbow the (now clearly agitated) person in the adjoining seat.

5. Decide that you want some water from the train shop. As you have reservations about leaving your rucksack unnattended, bring it with you. Accidentally hit people on the head with it when walking past.

6. Take out money from your pocket on the way to the shop. Trip over a passenger’s bag and throw the money all over the floor. When bending down to pick it up, drop your rucksack on the arm of a young child. Attempt to ignore the evil looks from the child’s mother and apologise profusely when the child starts crying.

7. After returning from the shop, stand on another passengers foot. Accidentally fall on the person in the adjoining seat when the train suddenly wobbles.

And finally…

8. Drink the water. Accidentally choke on it, spitting it over the person next to you and in front of you. Cough like a seal for the next fifteen minutes…

To the passengers sitting on the Edinburgh train… I’m sorry.