Say What Now?

Posted on November 11, 2014 by suzie81speaks

Warning: adult content.

After twenty months of blogging and hundreds of posts that cover a whole range of topics, I have started to take great delight in the frequently obscure searches that lead to Suzie81 Speaks. While I can link some of these to things I have written, I still find some baffling and at times, hilarious. There are clearly lots of different types of people that read my blog:

1. The Apathetic Authors

Thanks. It’s nice to see that my blog appears when these sentences are typed in…

2. The Aspiring DoctorI have no medical training whatsoever, but I can guess that the answer to this is no.

3. Animal Lovers

I have never met anyone that has believed that they are a badger, nor have I attempted to cuddle one. However, judging from video footage of honey badgers I have seen, I would advise against it. I have also seen the baby monkey and pig video. It’s pointless and the song that goes with it is guaranteed to stick in your head for days afterwards.

4. The Aromatherapist

Old Spice for the belly button? The other fragrance manufacturers are clearly missing out on a section of the market here.

5. The Textile Enthusiasts

The top one is one of fourteen references I have received about panties, often accompanied by the word ‘dirty.’ However, the second one was a little more obscure – I’d love to find the person who wrote that and discover what happened afterwards…

6. The Food Lovers

I have never tasted my own (or anybody else’s) feet, but after inspecting my gnarly toes I can’t imagine that it would be a pleasant experience for anybody.

7. The Disney Enthusiasts.

Does anyone know what rule 34 is? I only found out today. Nice. How the heck does that lead to my blog???

8. The Wishful Thinkers

I would suggest that the collective response to both of these is Viagra… Lots of Viagra.

9. The Angry People

Steps on how to piss somebody off? That’s a whole blog in itself!

10. The Revenge Seeker

This is one of many search terms from men that appear to want revenge on their ex-wives. It’s quite disturbing.

11. The Big Thinkers

I would love to find out how to spend the day doing nothing at work – I’m exhausted by the time I get home! And did Ray J and Justin Beaver have sex? More to the point – Justin Beaver or Justin Bieber? Is this his porn star equivalent?

12. The Randoms

Erm… Right.

13. The Biographer

Emily Dickinson may have indeed been an emo. What it has to do with anything I’ve written on my blog though, I haven’t a clue.

14. The Beautician

Clearly another area where the manufacturers of beauty products are missing out.

What about you guys? What weird and wonderful search terms have led somebody to your blog?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks.

Lava Lamps, Facepalms and Leah Remini

Posted on November 15, 2013 by suzie81speaks

Earlier in the year I posted some of the most random and obscure searches that people have typed into their search engine, and have stumbled across my blog. Recently, this appeared in my stats:

Leah Remini Saved By The Bell

This didn’t concern me – over the summer I wrote about the 20th Anniversary of Saved By the Bell and I mentioned the fact that she had appeared in one of the special episodes. However, when I investigated further, I noticed that this had been typed in no less that twenty – five times in various instances: Leah Remini teenager, leah remini from saved by the bell, what character was leah remini in saved by the bell, leah remini and saved by the bell…

Similarly, I mentioned Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy in another post. These are the searches I’ve had:

Kim Kardashian Pregnant Boobs
Kim Kardashian Pregnant feet
Kim Kardashian pregnant

Thank you Leah Remini and Kim Kardashian for providing my blog with no less than fifty views between you both!

However, these are positively intellectual in comparison to the others I’ve received recently. I’ve decided to put them into ‘facepalm’ categories. These are worthy of a single facepalm:

church of notre dame timesplitter
felt minnion
blog boobs
Offensive words used for unemployed
obese cinderella
house removal
Squirrel
We can learn to no again

These are certainly worthy of a double facepalm:

Is a lava lamp any kind of waste
Cast Fetish Edinburgh
Feel dirty panties girls and women
Fat barbie dolls Ursula godmother
Wordpress boobs
Old spice belly button
A cat with bog eye

However, these are nothing in comparison to this – definitely a triple facepalm:

write one liners related to life. 4 example : . . life is an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts! . @ / .. . life is ______________

And the best one of all (I actually laughed hysterically at this one) – The Implied facepalm, courtesy of Tommy Lee Jones:

“a situation that needs to get unfucked”

Fabulous. Just Fabulous.

Hope you all have a lovely Friday evening!

All pics courtesy of deviant art

‘Laughing Viking,’ ‘A Smear Of Ice-Cream,’ and ‘Puke Face.’

Posted on August 7, 2013 by suzie81speaks

I’m becoming a bit of a stat obsessive lately and I find it interesting to see what countries people are from, and how they found me. A few months ago I saw a really funny search that someone had made, and so I’ve been keeping a record of the strangest ones ever since. These are the most random and obscure searches that people have typed into their search engine, and have stumbled across my blog.

A while ago I created a post based on fabulous acts of revenge. One of the examples included a girl posting a picture of her boyfriend’s lover’s dirty panties on Facebook, while another included how a man got even with his cheating ex-wife. Consequently, this means that dirty panty enthusiasts and vengeful ex’s find my blog by typing in these ditties…

‘Dirty panties.’

‘Soiled dirty thong.’

‘Sexy dirty panties.’

‘Revenge on cheating ex-wife.’

‘Satisfying revenge on my ex-wife.’

‘Email revenge.’

‘Cheaters spam revenge.’

And then there’s the random searches. Some I understand, others I don’t – I’ve kept the spellings exactly as they were written.

‘Puke face.’ (Good grief)

‘English girls & trousers humour.’

‘Try whistle girlfriend skinny.’

‘I want to post crap on a blog’ (slightly insulting that my blog appeared).