For some of us, people-pleasing is practically a personality trait. It’s not always obvious at first – saying yes to plans, helping someone out, being the “reliable one” in the group. But when your need to be helpful starts draining your energy, your time, and your sense of self, something has to give.

I spent decades saying yes when I wanted to say no. 

That’s not an exaggeration. I organised outings I didn’t want to go on, stayed out late because someone insisted I couldn’t leave yet, did jobs for others that had absolutely nothing to do with me, and found myself tangled in everyone else’s responsibilities – housesitting, pet sitting (LOTS of pet sitting), taking in endless parcels for neighbours who couldn’t be bothered to answer the door (who then expected me to drop them round later), picking up prescriptions, sitting in cars while friends ran their errands on the way to the place we were actually supposed to be going, I went along with what others want to eat, watch, or do, because I didn’t want to seem bossy – simply because I didn’t know how to say, “That’s not my responsibility.”

And it wasn’t just about doing things, it was about not doing things, too. Not speaking up when I felt taken advantage of, pretending I was ok with last-minute changes and being let down, not saying no when I wanted to, and not holding others accountable for their behaviour. The outcome? Resentment. Exhaustion. A constant sense that my time and energy weren’t truly mine.

So I made the decision to stop. It has taken a long time, it wasn’t easy (and it still isn’t at times), but it is better.

If any of this resonates, it is possible to stop people pleasing without becoming cold or uncaring. It’s about protecting your peace, not becoming selfish.

It’s all about setting boundaries.

How to Set Boundaries 

It was my friend Helen who first helped me understand the true purpose of boundaries. She told me something that really resonated: boundaries aren’t for other people, they’re for you. They’re not about controlling others or punishing them – they are about protecting your own wellbeing, your time, and your energy. That simple shift in perspective changed everything when I had become frequently frustrated at unsuccessfully trying to push the more needy folk back, and was seemingly getting nowhere.

Here are some simple steps to effectively start setting boundaries.

Get Clear on Your Limits: What drains you? What makes you feel taken for granted? Write it down – you can’t set boundaries unless you know where the line is.

Start Small: Practice saying, “I’m not able to do that,” or “I don’t have capacity at the moment.” I have found the latter has been an invaluable sentence not just personally, but professionally too.

Be Polite but Firm: Boundaries aren’t walls, they are guidelines. You can be respectful and kind while being assertive. “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m going to pass this time” works wonders.

Expect Discomfort: The first few times you hold a boundary, it will feel awful, (and if like me, you have been trained to feel guilty), it will be uncomfortable for a while. That doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing, you’re simply unlearning a pattern.

Stick With It: Some people won’t like your new boundaries. That’s ok. If your relationships rely on you always saying yes, maybe they’re not as balanced as you thought. And there will be ones who are extremely persistent – the most relentless person in my life took six months before they accepted a very small boundary.

Don’t Engage in Conversation or Explanations: Avoid wasting your time trying to reason with those that you already know to be unreasonable. A simple “I’m not able to do that” is enough. You don’t have to get drawn into a conversation or defend your decision, just stick to your line and move on. Silence, sometimes, is the most powerful boundary of all. For me, setting a boundary involves short repetitive sentences. “I’m not available for…” “I don’t wish to discuss…” “I’m busy at the moment.” I don’t actually tell someone that I’m setting a boundary, but my words and actions make the boundary clear. 

Say Goodbye: If this still isn’t good enough, then perhaps it is time to re-evaluate those relationships. I can think of a number of people over the last few years that I have simply cut off contact with because they refused to accept that I wasn’t there for the sole purpose of making their lives easier, and equally as many have cut off contact with me because I stopped being useful.

People-Pleasing Habits

Learning to set boundaries was the first step, but the deeper work came in understanding why I struggled to set them in the first place, and that’s where people-pleasing entered the picture. It wasn’t just about saying yes too often – it was about connecting my own self-worth to the desire to feel needed, liked, or useful. To really protect my peace, I had to look at the beliefs driving those habits and start unpicking them, one by one.

What made me this way? I started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and did lots of reading, and it became obvious pretty quickly: a mixture of early life experiences where saying yes kept the peace and avoided harsh punishment and being made to feel guilty in the family home, a craving for validation, low self-esteem, and a profoundly deep fear of conflict. As I got older, these people-pleasing behaviours followed me into adulthood and quietly shaped different areas of my life, often to my detriment.

The revelations I had during this felt like a huge relief – that I wasn’t going mad or imagining it – but it also prompted a huge amount of anger and resentment, not just to those who I felt were taking advantage, but to myself for allowing myself to be in that situation in the first place. I realised that doing ‘favours’ for others had stopped being kind gestures and started becoming expectations. What was more infuriating was when I found myself in need, I realised how few people showed up for me in the way I had done for them. A hugely profound moment was when we moved house last year – there were friends who were extremely kind and generous with their time and help, and there were some that… weren’t.

Once I recognised that people-pleasing was at the root of so much of my stress and resentment, I knew something had to change – it was becoming a pattern that was quietly eroding my confidence and sense of self. So I began to take small, deliberate steps to shift the way I showed up in relationships and, more importantly, the way I treated myself.

Here’s what I did:

How to Stop People Pleasing

Understand Why You Do It: Knowing the ‘why’ behind your habits helps you challenge them more effectively, and I spent a lot of time really understanding what I did.

Start Small: A really effective way of doing this is to pause before you say yes. Give yourself a moment before agreeing to something. A simple “Let me check and get back to you” buys you time to think about whether you actually want to do it.

Say No Without Apologising: You don’t need to say sorry for having boundaries. Try: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that right now.”

Don’t Over-Explain: You don’t owe a detailed reason. “That doesn’t work for me,” is more than enough.

Let Go of Being Liked by Everyone: Not everyone will approve of your decisions, and that’s okay. Your peace is more important than someone else’s temporary disappointment.

Stop Jumping In to Fix Things: If someone is venting about a problem, resist the urge to solve it for them.
Even now, when someone shares something they’re struggling with, I have to pause and consciously resist the urge to jump in and offer help.

Prioritise Your Needs: If something feels like too much, it probably is. It’s ok to say, “I need some time for myself,” and actually take it.

Notice the Guilt, But Don’t Act on It: You might feel guilty at first, but that feeling doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Sit with it, but don’t let it guide your choices.

Remember that setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out, it’s about choosing how, when, and to whom you give your energy. People-pleasing might feel like the path of least resistance in the moment, but I promise you, in the long-term it costs you your peace.

Protecting your peace isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. And you deserve it.