“You’ll feel differently when you’re older…”

Being childfree by choice is something that still seems to invite discussion, commentary and opinion in a way that many other life decisions do not. Lately, social media feels full of back and forth conversations about having children versus choosing not to, often framed as debates rather than personal choices. Posts appear asking people to justify their decisions, explain their reasoning, or defend their position, as if there is a correct answer that applies to everyone.

I have never wanted children. It’s not that I particularly dislike children as such (although ten years of teaching certainly didn’t make me feel more positive about the idea of having them), but, for me at least, the thought of having a child wasn’t something that I ever imagined being part of my life. Unlike many of my friends with children, I never felt the biological urge to reproduce that they have described. 

I voiced the fact that I didn’t want children right from an early age whenever it came up in conversation. Being childfree never really felt like a dramatic decision – it came from knowing myself, understanding what I want my life to look like and being honest about what I do and don’t have the capacity for. 

The Bloke has never wanted children either. It was a conversation that we had relatively early on into our relationship and I brought it up again before we got married. He hadn’t said or done anything to suggest that he had changed his mind, but I wanted to be sure that he wouldn’t feel any form of regret later on. 

And over the years, I haven’t really had much in the way of opinions or pushback from anyone else. The only person who is disappointed about it is my Mum, telling me repeatedly that I would feel differently about it when I’m older. Now I’m 44 (and physically can’t have them) I think she’s finally accepted it, and thankfully she has a grandchild via my younger sister and so hasn’t missed out on being a grandparent.

It’s my choice, and I have no regrets. And I’m grateful that I was born into a society that allows me to have that choice – there are millions around the world who aren’t so lucky.

But I’m a little confused as to why these arguments happen so frequently online, other than possibly for ragebait to drive up views. 

Social media tends to flatten these conversations into absolutes and extremes. Being a parent is either portrayed as an ultimate fulfilment or an unbearable burden, while not having children is framed as either selfish or enviably free. The reality, of course, is far more complex. Lives are shaped by countless factors, fulfilment looks different for everyone and, like most things, it isn’t a black and white topic of conversation. It doesn’t take into account the millions who desperately want children and are struggling with infertility, same-sex couples and solo individuals, those who have become parents not through choice, those who have found themselves looking after their siblings or young relatives, those who don’t want biological children but are fighting to adopt or foster, those who are step-parents… the list is endless.

The biggest thing I find that often gets lost in these online discussions is the idea that different choices can coexist without cancelling each other out. Choosing to have children does not invalidate being childfree and choosing not to have them does not diminish the value or importance of parenthood. Both can be thoughtful, intentional decisions made with care.

So why waste time and energy arguing with a complete stranger about their life choices?

Being childfree by choice is not about avoiding responsibility, disliking children, or living without purpose, it is simply about aligning life with personal values and limits. Parenting is a lifetime commitment that deserves honesty and intention, and so does choosing not to become a parent. 

I don’t feel the need to convince anyone that my choice is the right one. It is right for me and that should be more than enough. And if there is one thing worth remembering in these conversations, it is that no one owes an explanation for the life they have chosen, and there is room for many different versions of a full and meaningful life.