Tell Me a Joke

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I’m back home, but feeling extremely low today. The cat needed emergency vet treatment last night, costing me more money than I have, I still feel dizzy and sick and generally weak still, and after having just a few hours sleep I was feeling at the point of despair this morning. Luckily, The Bloke stepped in and took over, allowing me to go to bed for the afternoon while he sorted the cat out.

I don’t have the motivation to write much, but I wanted to take the opportunity to say a huge thank you for being so amazing over the last few days. I received that many messages I couldn’t keep up, so I’ll attempt to respond to them over the next few weeks.

However, my miserable mood has given me an idea. I want you to tell me a joke. Obviously, I don’t want anything that can be deemed as racist and/or offensive – the more random and silly the joke is, the better. I thought it would be a fun way to see what you could come up with!

Looking forward to catching up with you all soon!

33 thoughts on “Tell Me a Joke”

  1. I am the queen of ridiculous, silly jokes like:
    Q: What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
    A: Do you smell carrots?

    Had har har.

    This Bob Newhart quote always makes me laugh (even though I like country music):

    “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.”

  4. A black bull walks into a pub and orders a pint of best beer.
    The barman says “Wow! This pub’s named after you.”
    And the bull responds, ” What? Alan?”

    Get well soon suzie.

  5. I hope everything turns out okay. We’ll be praying and purring for you. Here’s my rather lame joke :
    What is invisible and smells like carrots?

    Bunny farts 🙂

  6. Once upon a time…

    There was a young handsome Indian Brave. He lived on the shores of a very large lake infested with man-eating crocodiles. On the other side of the lake was a beautiful Indian Princess. The Brave and the Princess saw each other every day and soon fell in love. However, because of the carnivorous reptilians in the lake that separated them, their love went unrequited. Finally the Indian Brave could no longer bear being apart from his true love, so he began the long, dangerous swim across the lake to be with his beloved Indian Princess.

    Alas, it was not to be….the Handsome Young Brave was eaten by the crocodiles before he could complete his Journey of Love.

    However, to this very day, that lake carries the name of this young man…..

    …Lake Stupid.

    The End.

  7. You sound like you’ve really been through the mill – time to take it easy and accept all offers of help.
    Ok – this is one of my favourites – it’s my boyfriend’s, and yes, he is pedantic!
    “How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?”. “They’re not changing it, they’re replacing it”.
    And
    “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?” “One, but the lightbulb has to want to change”.
    I know, they’re lame, but I hope you feel better soon.

  9. I’m just getting caught up on my blog reading… I am so sorry you haven’t felt well. But, honestly, you have been on my mind for the past few days and I have been praying for you. Now… to our assignment… As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.

  10. On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
    Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
    announcer say, “We are going to have 4 to 6 inches of snow today. You
    must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
    Snow ploughs can get through. “So the good wife went out and moved her
    car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
    radio announcer said, “We are expecting 4 to 6 inches of snow today.
    You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
    snow ploughs can get through. “The good wife went out and moved her car
    again.

    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
    radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today.
    You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
    very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t
    know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
    snow ploughs can get through?”

    Then with the love and understanding in his voice that he could muster
    the husband replied,

    “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time dear.”

    I didn’t see it coming either

  11. NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT MONDAYS AGAIN
    ***** Long but worth it *****
    Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
    Hi Sue,
    Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit.
    This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
    What I do , when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
    Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
    I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
    I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
    Needless to say I aborted the dive.
    I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops, totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
    When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but by brass helmet.
    As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
    The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
    So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job.”

  12. A woman was trying hard to get the mayonnaise out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
    ‘Mummy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, she’s hitting the bottle

  15. My best friend taught me this joke, which she told to her second-grade class (she’s a teacher). Works better in person, but here we go:
    *To be told in a pirate voice*
    Teacher: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
    Class: R!
    Teacher: You’d think it’s the ‘R’, but it’s really the ‘C’!
    Get it? So silly, but classic. I love it haha.

  19. An old on: Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? They stayed up all night wondering of there was a dog. Hope you’re feeling better soon, and the cat is snuggling up too. Brett

  24. Ok a guy walks into a bar and says give me a drink anything but a Budweiser. so the bartender gave him a drink. the guy says give me another drink anything but a Budweiser. so the bartender gave him another drink, and said hey buddy why don’t you like Budweiser its pretty good, the guy said yeah its my favorite but last night i drank so much of it i went home and blew chunks, bartender says well that has happened to all of us, and guy says no you don’t understand chunks is my dog.

  27. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

    They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

    Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

    Get well soon!

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