‘Is it wrong to be feeling this terrified?‘
I sent a Facebook private message to my friend Tom yesterday. After several months of planning, scheduling and then rescheduling, he and his writer co-host Gemma were interviewing me about blogging and books in the local library for their podcast on ThankBookFor.com.
Thinking about it, there shouldn’t have been any reason for my nerves – I’ve known Tom for years and I met Gemma recently when she appeared on the panel at a Waterstones publishing event, so I knew that I would be in good company. I’ve been writing for several years and I have enough knowledge where I feel confident enough to hold my own, and it would be the first time where I would get the opportunity to discuss the topic I am steadfastly passionate about without having to worry about the glazed expressions appearing in the eyes of the people I am talking to.
However, it was also the first time that I would have to verbally communicate with real-life human beings instead of hiding behind the safety of a computer screen, and it was this that I found to be immensely intimidating.
Those who follow the blog regularly will know that I was a classroom teacher for many years, where a large percentage of my role involved communication with children and teenagers, and yet this has never been an issue – I have never been concerned about their opinions of me on a personal level. However, put me in front of (or as part of) a group of adults and every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself comes to the surface and starts telling me I’m sh*t.
At the first Bloggers Bash in 2015, Sacha Black gave a speech in which she described herself as an ‘introvert trapped in an extrovert’s body.’ I couldn’t think of anything more perfect to describe myself. On the face of it, I’m a complete introvert – I love spending time alone and often find that my energy is quickly exhausted by large crowds, I don’t deal with last-minute changes or surprises very well, I process things internally and I have a small (ish) group of very close friends. However, nobody would know this when talking to me. Generally, while I’ve never been a leader, I almost fake a level of confidence that allows me to talk to anyone about any topic at any time, maintain eye-contact, smile, laugh and joke without revealing that I’m actually dealing with a massive amount of anxiety churning around in my stomach. I’ll ‘go with the flow’ in a group without revealing that I’m worrying about the consequences of not planning in advance. I’m constantly fighting the negative thoughts that plague my brain about the opinions that I assume others have made of me.
I almost cancelled the interview completely.
However, I talked myself into it, and as an introvert trapped in an extrovert’s body, I went along to the library yesterday, took a deep breath, smiled and started to talk.
I loved every minute of it! An hour-and-a-half flew by, and I have to admit that I was a little disappointed that it had finished so quickly – it was fun just sitting back and talking to people who wanted to learn about what I do and how I do it. I didn’t stop to think about the situation I was in, or how I felt about it, and I’m so glad that I did.
I suppose, upon reflection, that being an introvert isn’t a bad thing – it means I get to enjoy my alone time in particular – as long as the extrovert keeps pushing me to get myself out there and try new things.
Incidentally, the podcast will be available in about a month, so I’ll share it for anyone that wants to hear it!
What about you guys? Are you an introvert, extrovert or a mixture of both?
You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks, my Pinterest page http://www.pinterest.com/suzie81speaks and my Instagram page http://www.instagram.com/suzie81speaks.
Suzie, I do the same thing. I’ll agree to something and then try to talk myself out of it. If I go ahead as planned, I always enjoy myself. I don’t know why
I let nerves and self-doubt creep in. It’s such a waste of energy.
It certainly is Donna… It’s exhausting at times isn’t it!! How are you?
I’m very well, thank you. I’m trying hard to get caught up with everyone again. How are you?
Good to see you back! I’m doing well thanks – countdown to the end of term has started so it’s all good at the minute!!
So happy for you (and SO identify with the “introvert in an extrovert’s body” thing :))
Thanks Lisa! What sort of things do you do with the introvert/extrovert balance?
Well… laughing at myself (early, often) helps a lot. The recharging, carving out enough time to be in my head, is really important. I love long rides for that, getting up super early and heading out with my camera. Mostly I try to remember that the call to move to a remote cave is not in my best interest! lol
Haha! I like the idea of a ‘woman cave’ at the bottom of my garden though, perhaps I’ll look into buying a shed!
works for me! :))
I think I have always been a pretty outgoing person, I talk to much, both online,and in reality! But there are still those nerves that kick in, like just before meeting everyone at the Bloggers Bash. A slight fear of the unknown, but then the verbal diahorrea starts, and before I know it, things are ok!
I am married to an introvert though…! So we are the polar opposites!
That’s really interesting! How do you deal with going into situations as a couple where there are large busy crowds?
We go in, and he finds a small group of people he knows, and I end up flitting about! If we don’t know people, we stick together but I’ll seize the opportunities to talk to others, he won’t search for them.
But imagine if we were both extroverts?! We’d be vying for attention from each other all the time! As it is, I’m pretty subdued at home, as the kids take over!!!
The Bloke is exactly the same, although he does attract people to talk to naturally – people seem to go over and want to talk to him which is nice…
That is nice 😊
It’s funny when we’re out as he attracts the older ladies, we’re talking much older ladies here… One of them was chatting him up in waterstones and he had no idea haha!
Lol!!! Well… if you give them a little attention… they want it all!!! Lol! They know he will give it to them! !!
Haha! Absolutely! I was laughing so much afterwards and had to explain that she was chatting him up, not just being friendly…
I do love these oldies! !!!
I am a total introvert! But, I do like to speak to women and although I can do and would love to do more of it, I find that I am the very most comfortable in one on one situations. I totally relate to your fears. But, I see you as a very confident, well spoken, educated woman who is fascinating to read and converse with. Loved this post! DAF (Cathi)
Thanks so much for your kind words my lovely! I seem to relate more to men than women, I instantly feel more comfortable around them. It takes me a while to be able to relax around women I have just met…
I so agree… I would much rather work with a group of men, than one woman. We can be terrible to each other and sometimes, it’s just refreshing to just do what we have to and get it done..
I totally agree! I like the banter that happens with men, whereas women seem to be a little more bitchy…
so true!
I know exactly how you feel! Crowds drain me pretty quickly, I need time alone to charge my batteries. That being said, I love working with kids, doing my writing workshops. I can handle that kind of crowd any day. 🙂
Haha absolutely! I feel comfortable among bloggers because I know that we all have the same thing in common, although in certain occasions it can be a bit more competitive than i would like!
Yes! I am so content doing things on my own & have to convince myself to get out & to be social. When I write something, though, I want to share it. I often wonder if everyone feels the same level of nervous about socializing. Glad to know I am not alone.
I can totally relate – i have got myself into trouble with family and friends because I have shared something online without telling them about it first… It’s the false safety of the computer screen I think that gives me confidence…
I have bipolar, and I find that my ratio of introvert/extrovert varies depending on my mood. Since I give, on average, about two speeches a month about living with a mental illness, sometimes it’s harder, sometimes it’s easier. I have found that talking about myself in these speeches, or about things I’m passionate about (a lot less frequently) is much, much easier than some other random subject.
I think that it’s very brave of you to do that and kudos – there’s still such a stigma surrounding mental illness and things like bipolar and depression, so it’s great that you can open up about it and teach others about your experiences!
So cool, congrats! I think this was a wonderful opportunity! I knew you’d shine after I read the first paragraph! Way to go!
Thanks my lovely! I was really surprised just how much I enjoyed it!
An introvert is an extrovert’s body is who I’m too. I love being with myself, it’s hard for me to talk for myself, every group setting makes me nervous first and then the feeling eases, I’ve super close friends mostly one from each phase of life, but yes if you meet me or read my blog, I appear to be an extrovert.
I think that’s the beauty of writing – we don’t have to worry about judgment right in front of our faces so it allows us to be more open and confident in what we are writing…
I’m an introvert through and through – but in the interests of not being a complete hermit I force myself to be sociable and see people! 🙂
Haha! I have to force myself sometimes too, and i never regret it!
🙂
Great post! Nice to read over coffee
Thanks Lucy!
Great post! I’ve never quite been able to work myself out. I love meeting people and making friends yet at the same time being in a group bigger than about 3 or 4 I shrink into the background and feel intimidated so find it hard to add to the conversation. I’m fine in crowds (ie, bars, gigs) but hate last minute changes. I go with what other people want and allow myself to be walked all over for fear of upsetting people yet have taken some big risks like recently quitting my job and moving to Cornwall! I’m a real mish mash -full of self doubt and often talk myself out of things! I’m due to go for a surf this morning at a spot I’ve never surfed at. I agreed to meet a friend but I’m sitting here slightly dreading it. I’m sure I’ll be fine afterwards though x
Thanks Kirsty! You didn’t seem shy at all when I met you and I’ve loved reading about your new life!! I’m so pleased for you both – how did the meet-up go?
Thanks! A lot of people say I seem super confident but I’m absolutely not. Our new life is a world away from where we were. We have some tough times but a dip in the sea cures it all. The meet up was fine thanks – I can no longer feel intimidated at surfing at that particular spot!
That’s brilliant! Looking forward to seeing you demonstrate your skills in person!
Love this post. I think If I am comfortable with people and know them, I am an extrovert – like the bash this year I wasn’t nervous because I knew everyone. Last year I was terrified – there was a huge difference in speeches (in my eyes I was shaky and jittery last year) and this year I wasn’t. Anyway. I too get drained by large groups of people I don’t know, but I tend to be fine If I know people, but I definitely think in an extroverted way – i.e. out loud! Im definitely some sort of weird hybrid!
On the face of it you are an absolute extrovert, but I know differently now as i’ve got to know you a little better. And it was you who helped me to understand myself a bit better too!
Oh, Suzie, I’m glad you didn’t cancel, but I sympathise completely! I remember Sacha saying that too, and thinking just the same thing – that’s me. I struggle with parties and large groups and will often take myself away for a breather, yet I also love talking to people and meeting new people. Strange, isn’t it? Perhaps that’s why we enjoy a writers life so much, as it is (mostly) spent alone. Looking forward to hearing the podcast when it’s out xx
I agree – I’m discovering that so many of my bloggy friends are the same, which is why we write. I wouldn’t get the impression that you were nervous at all either time I’ve met you, but I know why now!
And I would say the same about you! You didn’t strike me as nervous either 🙂 So we’re obviously both pretty good at putting on a front haha
I felt much more comfortable around you just because I feel I know you a little bit better than most of the others…
Yes, that’s how I felt too 🙂
I guess I’m one too, also learned recently that I’m highly sensitive also very tiring, worrying about I’ve said, have I offended, overthink things to death, noises and smells are so distracting when reading. It’s just taken 15 mins to write this.
I can totally relate to that – I over-analyse everything!
I can totally relate. I’m an organisation freak and feel much more at ease behind a screen than in a real life group. Crowds drain my energy. I’m much more of an observer!
I’ve changed a lot in the last 18 months or so. As a person, I’m not very organised, but I have become a bit of a planner when it comes to events and trips simply because I like to know what I’m doing…
I am an introvert in an introvert’s body! Despite the fact that I do really love people, I find it very difficult making conversation, and that coupled with me not hearing so well when there is a lot of noise means that I often mishear things or don’t hear them at all!!!
I can talk in front of a lot of people at work when I am confident of my subject.
Well done to you Suzie for overcoming your nerves, I am so glad it went well and I look forward to listening to it when it is available 🙂
Thanks Judy! You didn’t give that impression at all at the Bash? I’ll let you know when the link is available!
Thanks Suzie 🙂
love it
Thank you!
I think it’s how you deal with these things that define you more. I’m like you, I’m a bit introverted, but I will stand alone in a crowd and speak my mind if feeling do inclined.
Hope you’re well Suzie! 😃
Thanks Simon, and nice to see you on Twitter too! I get to the point where I speak up if it all gets a bit much, but it takes a while for me to get there haha!
You’re not instantly fired up then?
I know what you mean, sometimes you need to let the world know you’re not happy or indeed that you are! 🙂
No it takes me a while to get to the point where it’s too much usually, but then I’ll just go home…
It’s good to go home isn’t it? Less stressful lol
Absolutely! Especially when I’ve had a good night – I leave when I get to the point that it stops being fun
That’s the best time to leave… but don’t you wish the fun could keep going?
Sometimes – I stay if I’m at that point
Always a good plan. What’s going on with you today?
I’m due at work in a few hours – I spend Monday afternoon working with primary kids…
That sounds like it could be a nice thing. I can imagine it’s up and down and all over the place a bit.
Yeah it’s a nice start to the week but I’m shattered by Monday night!
I can imagine – do you work at the school every day?
No I freelance and do supply across a couple of schools
Mixes it up a bit eh? How did you get into that? We’re you a teacher?
Yeah I quit last year after ten years
Not looked back? Do you work for yourself or through an agency?
Just for myself – I have regular work so don’t need to go through agencies as yet, so I’m hoping that it continues!
I imagine it will do – you’re obviously someone who’s needed! 🙂
Have a great day Suzie!
I’m an introvert, too. I’d almost always rather stay at home than go…anywhere.
Home is always a safe-haven – I have things how i like it and get time to myself!
Exactly.
I’m totally an introvert in an extrovert’s body! (And I have friends who’d be surprised I’m saying this ..)
I think some of my friends would be surprised too – that’s why it’s so difficult sometimes when I say that I’m going home if it’s getting quite late on a night out… It isn’t because I don’t enjoy their company, more that I’m finding it overwhelming in a crowded place! Have you ever talked to them about it?
Yes, my close friends. I’m usually the first to leave and the first in bed on girls weekends because I need some alone time, and they laugh, and love me for all of my quirks, just as I love them for theirs. I am blessed. I’m also pretty outspoken and, at times, bold, which is where people would be surprised that I consider myself an introvert. But I am happiest alone at home. I’m always looking for waterfront properties with no neighbours that we could run away to and really never see anyone lol
Haha! That sounds amazing – I’d love a little house in the middle of nowhere! My female friends do the same – they have accepted that I’ll be the first one to leave and just carry on afterwards haha!
I’m the opposite. I’m an extrovert in an introvert’s body. When I’m around people I seem to be confident and outgoing. I have very little self-confidence, I’m afraid I’ll say something ridiculous, and afterwards I go over every word I said to remind myself how stupid I really am. The consequences of being a domestic violence survivor, I suppose. Deep down I know I’m not the pathetic person my brain tries to tell me I am, and one of these days I’ll walk into a room with confidence.
It’s so difficult to not over-analyse everything that you say, particularly when you’ve had such horrible experiences… Have you found that it has got better over time!
Even almost 20 years later, I still sometimes hear my ex in my head telling me I’m crazy and everybody knows it. And it’s the manic side of my bipolar disorder that I always thought was the reason people thought I was an extrovert/confident. That’s why I tend to isolate myself, I’m afraid I’ll say/do something stupid or “crazy.” I now give myself little pep talks on the way to a social situation, and generally that helps. I still would prefer to be a shut-in, but I realize that’s not conducive to a meaningful life. I’m trying!
It’s awful that one person has had such a profound effect on your life. It took me years to get over my relationship with a narcissistic sociopath, but I’m grateful for every step that I made along the way – I’m so much stronger now! Good luck in your journey!
Suzie, I believe I am a little bit of both. I love being around people and being social, but not always the great conversationalist and sometimes I really prefer to be by myself. I will talk in front of people, but only if I really know the subject matter.
I’m glad you had fun with this and it all went smoothly. Sometimes we are our own worst critic and instill fear in ourselves when it’s not necessary. I hope you get to have more adventures like this in the future.
Thanks my lovely! I’m the same in that I talk better when I’m confident in the subject matter, but sometimes I’ll sit and listen instead…
I grew out of being an introvert in my mid-40s. Giving regular staff trainings, then interacting with other students in grad school forever changed me. 8 months out of the year I lecture and love it, but I still need my me time–reading a good book, being by myself is still good therapy 🙂
I can imagine that that sort of thing would be really useful in building confidence! I start my first workshop tonight so I’m hoping that I have a positive experience!
Well, as they say, break a leg. You will be great!
Thank you!
Delightful post, Suzie!!! I am definitely a shy, introverted person with insecurity and self-esteem issues…
Thanks for your honesty Dustin! How do you deal with it?
Of course. I refuse to be anything but honest. Writing helps me deal with a lot of it, as well as other artistic endeavors. With writing and reading, I am not myself. An essential part of me is missing, you know? I’m but a shell of my former self. I occasionally journal, too, which is completely different from my fiction writing, but both are cathartic. Counseling is beneficial to me, too. Thank you for asking!!!
Thanks for sharing Dustin!
I think being a writer means functioning in private with oneself to get a story written, but marketing that book means being out in the public, making close friends of total strangers. A bit neurotic maybe.
I used to call myself the wallpaper paste behind the wallpaper. So, yeah, mostly an introvert.
What an awesome analogy Sharon! I’ll have to write that down!
Wow, a great analogy, indeed, Sharon! Thank you for sharing.:) I couldn’t agree more, as writing is a very private (almost intimate act,) which can be lonely at times. And it’s the unleashing of my stories that scares me the most.
Great post. Finding balance between one’s introverted and extraverted sides is always key; I’m also a total introvert, though most people tend to think I’m an extravert when they interact with me!
Thanks Nicholas – I’m glad you enjoyed it! Do you purposely be more confident to hide the fact that you’re shy?
Interesting question! That’s certainly what I did to first break out of my shy bubble when I was younger, but at this point I’ve actually managed to “beat the shyness,” so to speak, so that I don’t feel nervousness around people anymore, but instead just recognize that I sort of lose a physical/emotional sense of myself if I don’t have the necessary hours of solitary time to recollect my resources, if that makes sense. I’m actually extremely open on a conversational level now and share huge aspects of myself surprisingly easily, but any of my actual writing, thinking, pondering, meditating, decision-making, problem-solving, or so on has to be done in an absolutely private space with no distractions.
(I’m an INFJ, by the way!)
Thanks so much Nicholas, and please forgive the late reply… You’ve given me so much to think about!
Nicholas, it’s awesome to see you posting on Suzie’s blog!!:)
Ditto!
Suzie, the whole introvert/extrovert thing intrigues me. Some people are clearly one or the other but I suspect most of us fall somewhere in the middle and perhaps it depends on the situation. One of the things that’s surprised me “on my travels”, is the number of musicians I meet who are introverts. I think their sensitivity and perceptiveness (if that’s a word), enables them to play beautifully but can make performing very stressful. You hear of singers going on The Voice who spent years singing in their rooms with the door closed. My daughter can be like that. I actually got quite surprised the other day when I could hear singing through her door.
I’m a fairly extroverted extrovert but as I’ve got older, I enjoy time on my own more but I’m not sure that blogging really counts as being”alone”, does it?!!
Hope you have a great week!
xx Rowena
Even though the act of bloggin is lonely, once you find a community it is anything but – there is always someone to talk to! Muso’s are definitely introverts – I think they have to be in order to practice that much, but then again it takes a lot of nerve to get up on stage and perform!
It’s quite an interesting dynamic that, isn’t it!! Perhaps, it explains why so many creatives end up with issues. Ultimately, turning themselves inside out to get somewhere, ultimately takes its toll.
Thankee, Sai.
When I saw your headline, Suzy, there was something vaguely familiar about it. But as soon as you mentioned Sacha, I remembered her saying it last year.
I suspect, at heart, most of us are like this (though certainly more pronounced in the blogging/writer world). I’ve been to many kinds of gatherings, both business and social, and always feel uncertain – insecure, even – going into them. But someone once told me that if I wanted to become something I should act as if I was that already. So I put on a confident face most of the time and, after a while, I become more relaxed and confident.
That’s exactly what I do – the whole ‘fake it till you make it’ seems to work for me… I would never have guessed with you Graeme so it obviously works for you too!
I’ve been around a lot longer than you, Suzie, so I’ve had a lot more pratice
Suzie, if you haven’t read Quiet by Susan Cain then you must. It will make being an introvert in today’s world a lot less worrisome. I could effuse about it for ages, just read it; if you don’t get anything out of it then let me know an a thousand “mea culpa’s” will pass my ips.
Thanks so much for the recommendation – I’ll check it out!
You’re probably an ambivert. Classifying the entire population into either extreme has always bothered me. I’m a very out-going extrovert, but can’t handle huge crowds of people and was terrified before my first podcast. I don’t think it has anything to do with personality type. I think it has to do with the threat of public humiliation. Ha! Glad it went well.
You always speak so much sense Susie…
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What a great read! Introvert here!!
I recently started blogging and it just seems to flow better on paper for me. I just wrote a post on ‘Are introverts misunderstood?’.
Ooh I’ll check it out! Thanks!
I can feel ya 🙄
Thank you!
You can be an extrovert in an extrovert body with practice.
I need to try and balance things out one way or the other!
It seems to have become the era of the introvert. Years ago, when I took a Myers Briggs test, I was told that my personality type (INFP) constituted about 4% of the population. In recent years, I ventured into direct sales, and then into blogging, where it seems a high percentage of colleagues identify as introverted. I wonder what, if anything has changed. Maybe the internet has created a place for us to thrive and become the new cool kids.
I totally agree – it’s given people who perhaps feel a little more introverted to put themselves out there a little more…