Nine Things We Don’t Owe Anybody

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Nine things we don't owe anyone

I often see inspirational blog posts, memes and quotes that focus on the idea of teaching the younger generation about life. Lots of these appear to have the same message: nobody owes you anything. What you gain from life will be achieved by the hard work and effort that you put into it. While it isn’t strictly true (and I have seen and read countless examples of evidence to show that luck, being in the right place at the right time and knowing the right people can sometimes play a part in success), I like the sentiment.

However, what doesn’t appear to be as widely discussed is what we don’t owe to anyone else. In life we surround ourselves with those that matter to us the most, and it often seems like these people have an opinion on what we do and how we do it, leading us to falsely believe that we owe them certain behaviours and justifications. In truth, here are the things that in fact we don’t owe anyone.

1. We don’t owe anyone a favour. It’s one of my biggest annoyances – wanting to help someone should come from kindness, not obligation.

2. We don’t owe apologies if they are not genuine. An apology given when we are not ready to move on will only temporarily heal the wounds – anger towards someone will usually resurface and will usually cause greater harm in the long term. Apologies should be given when the issue has been resolved in our own minds.

3. We don’t owe somebody a romantic relationship or friendship. It took me a long time to realise that these cannot be simply based around the ideas of familiarity and the fact that you may have known each other for a long time. People change, their priorities and outlook on life change and, as sad as it may seem, time spent with somebody who isn’t the person that you used to know is time that is wasted.

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4. We don’t owe somebody our time just because they have requested it. This sounds incredibly harsh, and obviously doesn’t apply to the workplace (can you imagine the response you’d get if you said this to your boss?!) but in your personal life you don’t have to see or spend time with somebody if you don’t wish to. You don’t have to accept a date just because you have been asked. Similarly, if you have been on a date and have decided that you don’t wish to see the person again, you have every right to politely and gently let them down without feeling guilty and worrying about repercussions. If the person reacts in an hostile manner, you clearly made the right choice in the first place.

5. On a darker note, we don’t owe anyone a physical relationship. There are no circumstances  that can justify becoming involved physically with somebody if you don’t want to. They may be the nicest, sweetest person in the world and they may have helped you, consoled you, guided you and listened to you, but the answer is always the same. You don’t owe anyone a physical relationship at any time, for any reason.

6. We don’t owe anyone a new experience. My friends and I know each others likes and dislikes, and we don’t get offended when one of us responds with ‘it’s not really my thing, but thanks anyway!’  Of course, this doesn’t apply if a friend asks you to support them in something that they are doing personally – I’ve seen friends perform in comedy clubs, ice hockey matches and fashion shows – but you don’t have to attend events that your friends are ‘trying out’ if you know that it is something you aren’t going to be interested in.

image7. We don’t owe anyone ‘just one more…’ or ‘just try this…’ or ‘yes.’ One of my biggest annoyances is when I have decided that I have had enough to drink and there is always that one person who wants me to have just one more. I used to give in after several pleas and have another one just to shut them up, but now I politely decline until they give up. This doesn’t just apply to drinking – it can be in every aspect of life and covers both big or small issues (a rather silly memory that I have is being hassled for nearly two hours at a party to try food that I knew I wouldn’t like as I’ve had it before – I eventually gave in, tried it and hated it, and was then annoyed at both her and myself for allowing myself to be pressured into doing something, however trivial, that I didn’t want to do) – that one more anything shouldn’t have to be forced upon you and you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do, especially if you know that you’ve had enough.

8. We don’t owe anyone the perfectly groomed version of ourselves. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the only opinion on the way that we look that should matter is our own. We shouldn’t have to dress in a certain way, wear the popular labels, be a certain size and present ourselves for the benefit of our friends and partners. At the weekends I spend my time make-up free and wearing hooded sweaters and jeans. Several of my friends are flawless and immaculate at all times. We have never explained ourselves for this, it is just accepted without question.

9. We don’t owe anyone our life story or our secrets. If you don’t want to talk about something personal, you don’t have to, even if a friend has asked. And, to be fair, a genuine friend would not push you to if you weren’t comfortable.

When it comes to life and relationships it is always important to be kind, supportive and genuine. Help others, be there for others, but do so because you want to, not because you feel that you owe them something. And when life requires an explanation, one that should be offered a little more is simply this, offered by the late, great Maya Angelou:

‘You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove’

What about you? Have you ever been made to feel that you ‘owe’ somebody?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to visit my Facebook page and give it a cheeky ‘like.’

211 thoughts on “Nine Things We Don’t Owe Anybody”

  1. Nice post – I agree that you don’t owe anybody anything – except maybe be honest with yourself (wether you like it or not – but that’s a different story). It should be your choice to give as much or as little as you want. And good friends will not need any explanation, but just accept you as you are. :-D. Hope your day goes well.

  2. “and I have seen and read countless examples of evidence to show that luck, being in the right place at the right time and knowing the right people can sometimes play a part in success” – So very true ,,,

  5. I love this post and agree with every single point. You’re right, while it is nice to think that people rely on us, sometimes things go too far and we end up inhibiting our own behaviour and lives to suit the opinions of others. We should all remember these points and live a little more freely.

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  8. Yes, if you do something beause you think you owe them – is it really a genuine thing? And people should stop making other people feel guilty.

    Mutual respect and sincerity!

    It’s like those stupid spam mails people send around saying ” if you don’t sent this e-mail …. the s… is going to hit the fan”

    Love this post.

  14. #4 is the one I struggled with the longest. I’m finally over it, or at least better at it. I am not of your generation, but I think a lot of these are things you realize as you get older. Or you just stop caring as much about other people’s opinions.

    • Ditto (I’ll be 40 in August, and my wife is 5 years older), although I struggle with #1 and #2 more. Quite a bit of it has been bad habits coping with repeated abuse; I had to do some of this just to survive somehow.

  16. Ah the more I read of you, the more I like the way your brain works.
    In unburdening ourselves and others of any notion of ‘owing’ or ‘beholdenness’, we are free to GIVE those things, and receive them from others with the respect afforded precious gifts.

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  19. This post is fantastic, Suzie! It took me years to realize that I did not have to live up to other’s expectations or give them everything they want. Understanding this at a young age can prevent a lot of heartache and disappointment. Thanks, lovely!
    xo!

  20. Well said, Suzie. The older I get the fewer inhibitions I have about choosing my preferences without explanation. The one I know other people find difficult to accept is when I refuse certain demands that are made of my time. It is so rare to have adequate leisure time that when I do I don’t relish giving it up just because someone thinks I could/should be doing something else. I still succumb at times but I’m getting so much better at just saying no. And that includes unreasonable workplace demands and family. Doesn’t always go down well but that’s their problem, not mine. It’s a shame it often takes us so long to realise that we have the rights you outlined.x

  22. I once expressed my ideas about oweing something in a poem. Up until that point, I felt like people kept pushing me, like I somehow owed it to the world to succeed in exactly the way society said I should. It dawned on me that I don’t owe the world anything. I don’t owe anyone anything more than who I am. No debt is worth pretending to be something your not.

  23. I agree with not only the initial sentiment that no one owes you anything, but you don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t personally believe in luck and although I think there’s some basis of “right time, right place”, I believe only those who are ready end up in those places. Anyway, that’s not really your post today… I have given an empty apology for the sake of the other person, but that never makes me feel better. Of course, the relationship suffered until I healed. These are great sentiments that should be internalized. They will save a lot of youth some sorrow. Thanks for sharing with Creative Style!

  24. This is a great post (though not sure if you’ve noticed that you have two ‘point 4’s.

    What is interesting to me at the moment is what you say in your first point, “We don’t have to explain ourselves for the way that we choose to live and who we choose to live with”. I’m currently in discussions with my girlfriend about us living together, but because she is Christian and we are unmarried, she is uncertain because they are not allowed to ‘give the appearance of sin’. It is a shame that somebody that follows a religion does feel they owe something….to God.

  27. I agree wholeheartedly with the spirit of your post. I do think it can be useful to have mutual accountability for some areas of our lives and I think we miss a useful point of connection and support where we have no boundaries. Like you though, I am forever asking people, “What is it you want to do / say?” I grew up always justifying myself, now I ask myself a different question, “Is this loving to me?” and if it’s not, I am increasingly saying “No” can be hard though.

  28. This is wonderful. My husband and I always have problems with number one. I am always explaining my actions and he (an engineer) pretty much expresses your sentiment of not needing to explain myself – just say what I need. It’s hard to learn that!!! And of course, you put it more eloquently than him. 🙂

  29. Great post! I have a question though…What about obligations to family? That issue seems a little more complex to me.

  31. Apologies, time, experiences- I 100% agree…
    Apologies- I used to throw around sorry just to move forward. Absolutely not happening anymore.
    Time- yes, it sounds harsh, but I have given so many people my time. Why does it always seem that I’m then taken advantage of?!
    Experiences- Peer pressure is such a sick thing, isn’t it? Many young people don’t understand true friendship is not pressuring friends… We are all different. That’s why you need more than one friend- the person who will get on the dance floor with you, the one who will take a shot, the friend that loves heights and will jump out of that plane… Friendship is not about force or judgment.

    Lovely post, Suzie!

  33. I sincerely love everything about this post. These are lessons I wish I learned earlier on, especially in high school. Even now I have an issue saying “no” and just leaving it at “no” without justifying my decision! I think we may feel we owe certain people explanations (like family, as writingpalm mentioned above), especially when there may be long-term consequences to deal with if we don’t.Thanks for the insight and reblog, I must have missed it the first time around. 🙂

    ~El

  34. Sometimes in life you are ‘obliged’ to do certain things by virtue of the roles you assume and the responsibilities you undertake.however I agree with everything you have said and feel that believing that we dont owe anyone anything by virtue of our existence is essential to maintaining our sense of self and self respect!

  35. WORD Suzie, WORD!!! Preach it! I wish I read this in my 20’s and early 30’s. I always thought I owed someone for being nice to me, for helping me or even buying me lunch or worse still- that I had to share my secrets! But I guess mistakes make us stronger. Thank you for writing this, I needed to be reminded again.

  37. Great post! And you’re right, nobody writes about what we don’t owe to anyone or anything. I guess in the PC world we’re living in, people forget to be and think for themselves. You’ve inspired me to read more of your posts!

  38. I have recently been given a “Personal Bill of Rights” and have found a few of these one here. There are also a few I need to work on as well; I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet, I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems, and I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior. It’s hard to do some of these for ourselves, but it’s harder to respect that the other people we have relationships have the same rights that can clash with our own values.

  41. Great list of things we don’t ‘owe’ anyone! I agree 100% and even if this is not quite fitting it is close to how you feel on the subject: (another quote!)
    Those who mind, don’t matter.
    Those who matter, don’t mind.
    How is that for one that covers a lot of territory? I have it on my refrigerator since I am the Queen of apologizing and must have done something horribly wrong in another life! Smiles!

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  45. Great post! Agree with all but esp. #9. I hate that moment when someone has confided something personal (usually something I’d just as soon not know) and then there’s that pregnant pause where it’s my turn to contribute something. And I don’t.

  47. Brilliant post…I think what you mean by Not giving insincere apologies is that an apology is just ritual unless it’s a heartfelt recognition that you have wronged someone else. The apology not only cleanses the relationship but it implies a sense of humility in recognizing that none of us is in
    perfect control 100 percent of the time.

  49. Very true. For a long time I believed just that – that I owe everyone, not anymore, still given but with no pressure. And I come to realise that the more I pay attention to myself, the more am able to give genuinely.

    Thank you for this insightful post.

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