My Tree Looks Drunk

ImageToday I have worked really hard. Mondays are usually spent catching up with the blog and reading posts that I may have missed (I don’t work on a Monday and affectionately refer to this day as my ‘day of bliss’), but today I decided to take the opportunity to organise the house now the kitchen has been finished. After seven hours of moving and unpacking boxes I’ve found that I can actually move around the living room without having to resort to movements that would make a professional contortionist proud. I was in ‘the zone’ – the shelves were filled, the empty boxes were thrown away at breakneck speed and in my infinitely ridiculous wisdom I also decided that it would also be a good idea to put the Christmas tree up.

I have an artificial tree that The Bloke and I bought several years ago. I’d love a real one, but with three house cats it’s a pointless concept – they attack any plants in the house and I don’t want to spend any more money on vets bills. I usually adore the process of setting out the decorations and I have been known to spend several hours making it look as beautiful as possible while singing along to cheesy Christmas songs.

While I normally hate maths in any form, I have the perfect equation that may be useful for anyone in a similar situation.

Christmas Tree + Three Cats + Lights + Baubles = STUPID IDEA.

I am an idiot.

After standing on each cat several times, shutting them out and watching them open the door by themselves, blocking the door and listening to them cry loudly, wrestling the lights out of the jaws of one cat and yelling at another to stop knocking the baubles off I managed to throw the tree together in a record time – I was so stressed out that I wanted to finish it as soon as possible. There were no Christmas songs and no Christmas spirit, just an overwhelming urge to give up and go for lunch at the pub.

It reminded me of the ever fabulous ‘Simon’s Cat’ and the wonderful Christmas episode ‘Santa Claws.’

ImageUnfortunately, the tree now looks like it has been drinking heavily for the last eleven months. In fact, it looks positively sozzled. I’m sure that somewhere in the loft of the old house there are several empty bottles of gin that the tree and decorations have been indulging in since we put them away last year. I’m too embarrassed to put up a full picture, so instead I’ve just included a bauble.

Incidentally, now I’ve finished, the cats are now sound asleep – after a day of excitement, they’ve managed to tire themselves out. Unfortunately, they’ve tired me out too. It’s a good job they’re cute.

Hope your Monday has been less stressful! You can also find me on Twitter @Suzie81blog

In response to the Weekly Writing Challenge.

Image credit: cheezeburger.com
Simons Cat courtesy of Simon Tofield

How To Piss Off a Train Load of People in Eight Easy Steps.

I’m on the train to visit my mum for her birthday. Normally I get an early train as there are lots of available seats and a lack of screaming children, but as I’ve had a tough week I decided to have a lie in instead and go in the afternoon.

I’ve written many times about the minor annoyances I have when surrounded by members of the general public – there always seems to be that one person who seems to go out of their way to be as inconsiderate as possible. However, the annoying person on board today is ME – in the last half an hour I have been the biggest pain in the arse for my fellow passengers. Here is how to piss off an entire train load of people in eight easy steps…

1. Bring a large rucksack. Accidentally hit people on their heads with it when walking past.

2. Upon finding a seat, stand on the toe of the person sitting in the adjoining seat.

3. Eat a rather crumbly pasty. Accidentally drop some of your pasty on the bag of the person in the adjoining seat.

4. When rummaging in your rucksack to find your headphones, accidentally elbow the (now clearly agitated) person in the adjoining seat.

5. Decide that you want some water from the train shop. As you have reservations about leaving your rucksack unnattended, bring it with you. Accidentally hit people on the head with it when walking past.

6. Take out money from your pocket on the way to the shop. Trip over a passenger’s bag and throw the money all over the floor. When bending down to pick it up, drop your rucksack on the arm of a young child. Attempt to ignore the evil looks from the child’s mother and apologise profusely when the child starts crying.

7. After returning from the shop, stand on another passengers foot. Accidentally fall on the person in the adjoining seat when the train suddenly wobbles.

And finally…

8. Drink the water. Accidentally choke on it, spitting it over the person next to you and in front of you. Cough like a seal for the next fifteen minutes…

To the passengers sitting on the Edinburgh train… I’m sorry.

First World Problems

Is your phone battery dying, but your charger is on the other side of the room? Is your cleaner running late? Do you struggle to hear the TV whilst eating crunchy snacks? Have you eaten too much lunch and are feeling too tired to work in the afternoon?

Life is tough.

This morning I was watching Sweet Genius, a programme that is reguarly shown on The Food Network. A contestant didn’t like what she had produced and so threw it in the bin and then became hysterical because her cake hadn’t turned out in the way that she had hoped. Continue reading

‘Laughing Viking,’ ‘A Smear Of Ice-Cream,’ and ‘Puke Face.’

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I’m becoming a bit of a stat obsessive lately and I find it interesting to see what countries people are from, and how they found me. A few months ago I saw a really funny search that someone had made, and so I’ve been keeping a record of the strangest ones ever since. These are the most random and obscure searches that people have typed into their search engine, and have stumbled across my blog.

A while ago I created a post based on fabulous acts of revenge. One of the examples included a girl posting a picture of her boyfriend’s lover’s dirty panties on Facebook, while another included how a man got even with his cheating ex-wife. Consequently, this means that dirty panty enthusiasts and vengeful ex’s find my blog by typing in these ditties…

‘Dirty panties.’
‘Soiled dirty thong.’
‘Sexy dirty panties.’
‘Revenge on cheating ex-wife.’
‘Satisfying revenge on my ex-wife.’
‘Email revenge.’
‘Cheaters spam revenge.’
And then there’s the random searches. Some I understand, others I don’t – I’ve kept the spellings exactly as they were written.
‘Puke face.’ (Good grief)
‘English girls & trousers humour.’
‘Try whistle girlfriend skinny.’
‘I want to post crap on a blog’ (slightly insulting that my blog appeared).
‘So;otery.’
‘Pizza Express complaint.’
‘A fat log.’
‘How nuch are crap.’
‘Clever and funny pantomimes.’
‘Laughing Viking.’
‘I’m 99 sure that I’m a Disney princess.’
‘A smear of ice-cream.’
‘Attached dinner confidence.’
‘Why arnt here gay Disney prince.’
‘Meh blog.’ (Again, slightly insulted)

The mind boggles. Wishing you a goodnight… From ‘Puke Face.’

Picture Credit: google images

How Many Frogs?!!!

Every so often I’ll read an amazing post that I thoroughly enjoy from start to finish, and it will trigger an idea. However, in this case I’m blatantly stealing.

This post, from Jolene over at ‘Valley Girl Gone Country’ was her response to a blog that she’d read about being single, and the types of men that she had dated.

Spinster…..aka Hopeless Romantic

It instantly brought back the horrors of some of my ex – boyfriends and dating experiences, and so I thought I’d create a list of things that have genuinely happened to me from the ‘frogs’ I have kissed. The above is a video of a South African Desert Frog, and when I saw it I couldn’t have found a more perfect example of some of these human frogs that I’ve had to deal with (It’s also hilarious and I almost bust an eyeball when I first saw it).

This may help you recognise potential frogs in advance in your own lives so you can AVOID THEM COMPLETELY.

1. I was dumped by a guy without warning. He let me know that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me by putting the phone down on me when I rang his house. No explanation. It transpired later (when his friend told me) that he was annoyed that I’d told a mutual friend that he was upset that his dog had died. I still don’t know how to respond to that.

2. I went on a weekend away with a boyfriend. We had a lovely day – we explored the area, had a laugh, ate a gorgeous meal and I was relaxed and happy when we returned to the hotel. I was, however, shattered, and wanted to go to sleep. When I told him I wasn’t ‘in the mood’, he had a tantrum, a full blown, stamping his feet tantrum. I went to sleep, and we returned home the following day in silence.

3. The same boyfriend invited me on a trip to New York. Turns out, his parents had paid for the trip as a birthday present, and they were coming too. I had no problem with that – his family were lovely people. Unfortunately, they were also strict Catholics and had booked two rooms in the hotel – one for me and his mother to sleep in, the other for him and his father. I was 25 years old at the time. Suffice to say, I didn’t go, and we broke up not long after.

4. I really liked a guy that I met through a mutual friend. After flirting for a while, we kissed. He stopped, looked me right in the face and said “I’m sorry, I’m gay.” This was the first time he’d told anyone. He was in his 30’s and had worked with my friend for several years, who had no idea. He chose the exact moment he kissed me to ‘come out.’ While I’m always pleased to hear somebody has the courage to do this, I’d have preferred it if he’d mentioned something sooner.

5. I was asked out by an extremely attractive man when I was in college. On our first date he picked me up in his car, and I noticed that he had tapes of Britney Spears and Les Miserables on his dashboard, which he said were his sisters. It was eventually revealed that the car actually belonged to his girlfriend.

6. I was excited to go on a second date with a man with whom I’d enjoyed a wonderful first. I spent ages getting ready. He took me to a Needle Museum. Yes, I spent two hours wandering round a museum dedicated to the history of sewing needles.

7. A man that I had started seeing started texting me one night, asking where I was. I was at home, and told him as such, but he didn’t believe me. He bombarded me with text messages for half an hour, accusing me of seeing somebody else (which I wasn’t), and only stopped when I threatened to call the police. The following morning, at SIX IN THE MORNING, he knocked on my front door, offering a Tupperware box of homemade vegetable soup as an apology. I simply closed the door.

8. When an ex and I broke up, he turned up at my friend’s house that she shares with her partner in tears. He ended up staying for a cup of tea, he put some shelves up for them and left. MY FRIEND LIVES TWO HUNDRED MILES AWAY FROM HIM. He drove two hundred miles so he could cry on my friend’s shoulder. She, and I never heard from him again, although a mutual friend informed me that he’s got three kids now.

9. And finally, the ultimate: a man that I was in a relationship with, who I was in love with, was conducting a relationship with me while his girlfriend of three years was travelling around Australia, attempting to deal with her brother’s suicide. I was unaware of this, and when I found out, I got rid. The girl moved back in with him upon her return.

So, it’s taken quite a few frogs to find my prince. For those of you losing hope, just think of these examples and remember this wonderful quote:

‘It’s better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel alone…’

Video Credit: Dean Boshoff