Santa Hats and a Sober Tree

imageI think I enjoy the build up to the festive season more than the actual day itself. The German Market arrives in the city centre, encouraging us to consume enormous sausages (!!),  hot gluhwein, crepes and pofferjies covered in Nutella, and endless craft based crap that we didn’t realise that we wanted until we saw it. Carols and festive songs appear in all the stores and on every television advert. I get to buy presents for everyone and celebrate with my favourite people. Work finishes for a few weeks. I love it. I love the excitement, the decorations that appear, the atmosphere. Aside from the occasional hot, sunny days that the UK receives every summer, this is absolutely my favourite time of year.

I decided to join in the festive spirit and decorate our tree. The Bloke and I bought a fake one (due to the fact that the cats would attempt to eat a real one) about five years ago from Argos, and each year we diligently take it out of it’s box and joke about the fact that it looks drunk. He set it up and put the lights on it while I was away at my mother’s house ready for my return on Sunday, but as I was feeling rough I didn’t tackle it until yesterday evening. Amidst the box of random decorations that we have collected over the years I discovered something that would provide me with hours of entertainment…

I found the Santa hats.

Two years ago I purchased three small Santa hats for the cats, and I consider the fact that I was able to get a photograph of all three of them sitting together and wearing them to be one of my greatest achievements of that year. Sadly, I lost one of the cats earlier in the year at the age of nineteen, so I decided that The Bloke needed to take her place instead (with an adult sized one, of course – we wouldn’t want him looking stupid, would we?). On went the hats, and out came the camera.

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All of them were less than impressed, particularly Daisy when I decided to double my fun.

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I eventually stopped laughing, The Bloke stopped rolling his eyes and I got my decorating on. I tried to spend a little more time on it than in previous years, attempting to space them all equally, colour coordinating etc, and after a few catastrophes with bits of tinsel and standing on a few stray decorations that had fallen on the floor, I stepped back to admire my masterpiece.

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“What do you think?” I asked The Bloke. He turned his head to one side.

“Yup.”

Cheers for that dear. Upon closer inspection, it actually wasn’t too bad – for once my little tree seemed to be… Sober!

Win!

 

What about you guys? Have you got any silly traditions within your family during the holiday season?

You can also find my on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

 

The Cat Owner’s Guide To Wrapping Christmas Presents

Items needed:

  • Presents
  • Wrapping paper
  • Ribbon
  • Gift tags
  • Scissors
  • Sticky tape
  • Two cats: Cat A that has decided he wants a cuddle and Cat B that has just woken up after sleeping for the majority of the day and is in the mood to play.

Instructions:

Step 1: Sit on floor in the middle of the room. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 2: Take out items needed from carrier bag, having previously purchased them that day from the only card shop in your local area amidst a fury of seemingly angry women and their screaming children. Stop Cat B from sniffing the scissors.

Step 3: Cut strips of sticky tape and stick them along the edge of the wooden coffee table to make the wrapping process easier. Stop Cat B from batting at the sticky tape.

Step 4: Remove wrapping paper from clear plastic film. Stop Cat B from attempting to chew this. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 5. Unroll wrapping paper and attempt to cut out required amount of wrapping paper on the floor. Remove Cat A from the middle of the paper. End up cutting out paper while standing up. Stop Cat B from batting sticky tape.

Step 6: Wrap present while Cat A sticks his nose in the middle of the paper. Avoid accidentally sticking Cat A’s whiskers to the paper when adding sticky tape. Notice that Cat B is shaking her paw furiously and realise that she has got a piece of sticky tape stuck to it. Remove sticky tape from paw. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 7: Cut ribbon. Stop Cat A and Cat B from playing with the ends of ribbon.

Step 8: Write gift tag. Write another gift tag after Cat B, who is still on a personal mission to play with the ribbon, pounces and nudges the pen, resulting in a line across the original gift tag.

Step 9: Stand up to cut another piece of wrapping paper out. Sit back down and place wrapping paper on floor. Remove Cat A from paper. Stand up to cut another piece of paper after Cat A digs claws into paper during removal process, ripping a hole in the middle of it.

Step 10: Repeat Steps 6 and 7.

Step 11: Remove both cats from room and continue to wrap presents. Listen to Cat B cry loudly for ten minutes.

Step 12: Go upstairs after remembering a forgotten present. Upon your return, remove Cat A from carrier bag.

Step 13: Wrap present surprisingly easily. Spend ten minutes looking for pen to write gift card. Discover Cat B playing with pen on kitchen floor.

Step 14: Return to room to find Cat A chewing on the corner of the ribbon on one of the presents. Remove ribbon from Cat A’s mouth, only to discover a large patch of cat slobber on the corner of the paper. Re-wrap present.

Step 15: Give discarded ribbon to Cat A. Watch as Cat A sniffs it and walks away.

Step 16: Take out some gift bags to put presents in. Start to place presents in first bag. Remove Cat B from second bag. Stop Cat A from chewing on handle of third bag.

Step 17: Place filled bags in wardrobe. Sit on couch to write Christmas cards. Hear a faint cry from upstairs. Remove cat from wardrobe.

It’s a good job they’re cute…

Exhibit A: Daisy (Cat B)

Exhibit A: Daisy (Cat B)

What about you guys? Do your animals make a seemingly easy process much more complicated?

You can find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Image 1 credit: newschoolnomads.com

 

Ghosts of December 23rds Past

I moved to Birmingham in 2001 and so I have travelled up by train on the day before Christmas Eve every year since. Over the years my younger sisters have moved out and have preferred to spend this day with whatever boyfriend they have had at the time, so it has traditionally become a day for me and mum.

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My tree this year

Today’s experiences have been very similar to those of the last five years. I got an early train, managing to avoid the mass exodus of half the population of the city, I battled against the high velocity winds and rain that always seems to accompany a visit to Manchester and I witnessed an old lady getting accidentally slapped in the face with an extremely large sausage roll. It wasn’t anything sinister – a woman was eating it, the wind blew it out of her hand and straight into the face of an unsuspecting elderly lady walking past. I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m a bad person). I arrived at my mum’s house to be greeted by her three hyperactive and rather smelly dogs. I immediately changed into a clean pair of jammies, plonked myself on the couch and laughed at the dogs gleefully shredding the stuffed animals that I had brought them from Christmas. Mum made some lunch and after we had eaten we put on a James Bond film and that was the last thing that I remember – I slept for several hours and awoke to Noel Edmund’s ‘Deal or No Deal’ blasting from the TV.

There’s something extremely comforting about being here, even at 32 years old. It’s warm and cosy, the dogs are asleep and as I write my mum is in the middle of her soap opera marathon, which she delights in telling me the storylines, despite the fact that she knows I don’t watch them. There’s an opened box of chocolates between us, the remnants of what was a teddy bear shredded on the floor and I keep getting a hint of pine from the enormous tree that is standing proudly in the corner of the room.

It is this scent that is quintessentially the essence of Christmas, evoking hundreds of memories from years gone by.

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The dog shredding his present, with White Christmas on the TV.

We’ve always had a real tree. The house that I grew up in had a large living room and we would buy a seven foot monster and spent hours decorating it, adding to it every year with the various toilet roll based decorations that we had created at school. The 23rd December would be an excruciatingly exciting time – we had bought and wrapped our presents but weren’t able to put them under the tree as we had a beagle, Patch, that once took it upon herself to eat everything, including the bath salts, which she promptly threw up later in the day. Our activities often depended on the weather – it would occasionally snow and my sisters and I would build a snowman, we would watch all the Christmas specials on the TV, we would order a takeaway- a special treat – from the local pizza place and I would spend every December 23rd watching the clock and desperately wishing for time to pass quickly.

As a teenager I attempted to be a little more ‘cool’ about the notion of Christmas, but secretly I was just as excited about it as I was as a young child. I counted down the days, then the hours and then began clock-watching on the 23rd. As I grew older I got a part – time job at McDonalds (not the most exciting job I’ve ever had) and so December 23rds were spent working, after which I would return home with offerings of left over Big Macs and Veggie Burgers, much to the delight of my father.

After I turned 18 and was legally allowed to drink, my sister and I would go out on the day before Christmas Eve, and this was a tradition that lasted for several years. We indulged in many silly activities, but one in particular stands out for me: We had enjoyed a brilliant night at Bar Juice and after eating pizza in a kebab shop we got a taxi home. It had snowed, our house was at the top of a hill and the driver was unable to drop us off outside, so we had to walk the rest of the way. Unfortunately, we were wearing high heels which wouldn’t grip in the snow and in our drunken state we ended up crawling up the hill on our hands and knees, laughing all the way. When we finally managed to make it into the house we were greeted by our less-than-impressed mother who became even less impressed when we both promptly threw up in the bathroom. Classy ladies.

As an adult December 23rds have been difficult over the years. My family split up and consequently relationships have been strained, and in some cases are now non-existent. We’ve lost various little friends – our beagle, Patch, and later our retriever, Ollie, but we’ve been lucky to find three more little friends to share our lives with. I am grateful for being able to spend this day with a wonderful mother and her smelly dogs, and I hope that there are many of these in the future.

In response to the Weekly Writing Challenge

An Early Christmas

The Bloke and I are spending the holidays separately with our individual families, so we had our own little celebration yesterday. We started by watching Disney’s Frozen at the cinema, (we have a collective age of 77, but we love a bit of Disney) followed by a trip to the German Market as it was the last day. The film was quite good – it has a little too much in common with ‘Tangled,’ one of my favourites, the fabulous vocal capabilities of the amazing Idina Menzel couldn’t save some of the mediocre songs and I found it a little odd that there isn’t really a main ‘villain’ figure, but it was enjoyable all the same.

When we returned home I cooked us Christmas dinner (I forgot the stuffing), and we gorged ourselves until we felt a little sick. As I come from a family that celebrates excessively with food, I find it extremely difficult to cook for just two people, and consequently our festive spread could easily have fed five or six people.

We then exchanged gifts, and as usual I was thoroughly spoiled – The Bloke bought me several books and a beautiful Pandora charm to add to my ever-growing collection.

We finished the day by watching ‘A Muppets Christmas Carol,’ during which I fell asleep.

A lovely way to finish a lovely day.

You can also find me on Twitter @Suzie81blog

Done, Done and Done

ImageI’m feeling a little delicate this morning. It could be due to the annual Christmas teacher flu that I always develop on the first day of the holidays. More likely, however, it’s because I consumed quite a large amount of alcohol last night at the staff party.

It was a really nice evening – my friend and I were on a table with the canteen staff, who are hilarious, and so we spent most of the meal in hysterical fits of laughter. Everyone looked very glamorous, the food was beautiful and after some initial reluctance most of us spent the rest of the evening dancing the night away to party classics from the 1970’s and 1980’s. At one point the Principal sat next to me to say hello and I’m a little concerned that I may have been slurring when I was speaking with her, but other than that I made it through the night relatively unscathed.

ImageWhen I got up this morning I decided to get everything finished off in preparation for the next few days. The Bloke and I are spending Christmas seperately with our own families so tomorrow we are going to have our own little celebration at home. We are going to start the day by opening our presents, then we plan to watch Disney’s ‘Frozen’ at the cinema, visit the German Market as it is the last day and then when we get back I am going to cook a nice two course meal. I would normally do three, but the children at work have been very generous and I have been swamped with enormous amounts of chocolate, so it seems pointless buying a dessert. This is usually followed by ‘A Muppets Christmas Carol,’ which has become a little tradition of ours to watch on the first weekend of the holidays.

I live one road away from the main high street, so by 8.30am I had been to the local supermarket, bought the food I needed and was back home snuggling with the cats on the couch. I think I’m done – presents, cards and food are sorted, plans have been made with friends over the next few weeks and I’ve even bought a novelty sweater to wear when I visit my sister on Christmas Day. However, I have made a little pact with myself that I will never be this disorganised again in the build up to future holidays…

After several weeks of stress, I plan to spend the rest of the day relaxing and hopefully catching up on some sleep. I’m done, done and done.

You can also find me on Twitter @Suzie81blog

Image Credits:

Picture 1: Mirror.co.uk
Picture 2: keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

Three Lessons to Go…

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The image doesn’t match, I just thought it was cute…

It’s Friday, it’s payday and it’s the last day of work before Christmas. I’ve sent my cards, given my Secret Santa gift, got my Christmas jumper ready and marked as much as I possibly can. The holidays are just three lessons away and although I’ll spend the majority of it marking and completing data spreadsheets at least I can do so in the comfort of my own home.

Tonight is the staff party, and therefore normal blogging will resume tomorrow, undoubtedly accompanied by an enormous hangover.

Happy Friday!

You can also find me on Twitter @Suzie81blog

The Festive Spirit Has Finally Arrived…

I must admit, I haven’t been feeling the spirit of the impending holidays over the last few weeks. I love Christmas, but I think the pressures of the last few months have taken over and the whole season has snuck up on me, tapped me on the shoulder and screamed in my face when I least expected it.

This all changed today, however, when The Bloke and I decided to go into town and stay there until we had finished getting everything we need. It was quite a dull and miserable day, but we got there early enough to appreciate the German Market before the rest of Birmingham decided to join us and it was actually possible to see what was on offer at the various stalls.

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The most popular stall at the market

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Stuff they never knew they needed… until now!

We were also able to move around successfully in Selfridges, which at this time of the year is virtually impossible. They’ve done an absolutely stunning job with the decorations inside…

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I love the lights…

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More stuff I didn’t know I needed…

I had a great time – I’ve bought all my presents and finished wrapping them when I got home. I was also able to treat myself a little by spending some of my Waterstones book vouchers that I received for my birthday. I bought Tom Cox’s ‘The Good, The Bad and The Furry,’ as I’ve been an avid follower of Tom and The Bear, his ‘Sad Cat’ on Twitter for a while now (@MYSADCAT). It appears to be customary to post a picture of your purchase with your cat and tweet it to Tom, so I did just that with Wobbly, my 19 year old tortie. She was clearly ecstatic by the early Christmas present…

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Absolutely delighted…

What a brilliant day! I may even go out again tomorrow to try and get a few last minute surprises for The Bloke – he was with me for most of today and therefore it was quite difficult to get anything for him.

Hope you’re enjoying the last part of your weekend!!

Small Christmas Hats = Rather Grumpy Cats

The biggest achievement in my sad little world last year was the fact that I managed to get all three cats in Christmas hats for a long enough time where I could take a photograph. Since we moved house I have lost the hats, so as part of my prep for Christmas this year I thought I would post last year’s pictures. I know, I know… Cat lady alert…

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Sleepy Daisy – ignore the mess in the background I was in the middle of wrapping presents…

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Wobbly

And the ultimate…

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All three… Not the happiest kitties I’ve ever seen…

Poor things… Made me smile though!!

My Tree Looks Drunk

ImageToday I have worked really hard. Mondays are usually spent catching up with the blog and reading posts that I may have missed (I don’t work on a Monday and affectionately refer to this day as my ‘day of bliss’), but today I decided to take the opportunity to organise the house now the kitchen has been finished. After seven hours of moving and unpacking boxes I’ve found that I can actually move around the living room without having to resort to movements that would make a professional contortionist proud. I was in ‘the zone’ – the shelves were filled, the empty boxes were thrown away at breakneck speed and in my infinitely ridiculous wisdom I also decided that it would also be a good idea to put the Christmas tree up.

I have an artificial tree that The Bloke and I bought several years ago. I’d love a real one, but with three house cats it’s a pointless concept – they attack any plants in the house and I don’t want to spend any more money on vets bills. I usually adore the process of setting out the decorations and I have been known to spend several hours making it look as beautiful as possible while singing along to cheesy Christmas songs.

While I normally hate maths in any form, I have the perfect equation that may be useful for anyone in a similar situation.

Christmas Tree + Three Cats + Lights + Baubles = STUPID IDEA.

I am an idiot.

After standing on each cat several times, shutting them out and watching them open the door by themselves, blocking the door and listening to them cry loudly, wrestling the lights out of the jaws of one cat and yelling at another to stop knocking the baubles off I managed to throw the tree together in a record time – I was so stressed out that I wanted to finish it as soon as possible. There were no Christmas songs and no Christmas spirit, just an overwhelming urge to give up and go for lunch at the pub.

It reminded me of the ever fabulous ‘Simon’s Cat’ and the wonderful Christmas episode ‘Santa Claws.’

ImageUnfortunately, the tree now looks like it has been drinking heavily for the last eleven months. In fact, it looks positively sozzled. I’m sure that somewhere in the loft of the old house there are several empty bottles of gin that the tree and decorations have been indulging in since we put them away last year. I’m too embarrassed to put up a full picture, so instead I’ve just included a bauble.

Incidentally, now I’ve finished, the cats are now sound asleep – after a day of excitement, they’ve managed to tire themselves out. Unfortunately, they’ve tired me out too. It’s a good job they’re cute.

Hope your Monday has been less stressful! You can also find me on Twitter @Suzie81blog

In response to the Weekly Writing Challenge.

Image credit: cheezeburger.com
Simons Cat courtesy of Simon Tofield