A Children’s TV Presenter: A Compliment?

Posted on August 26, 2014 by suzie81speaks

“Being in a relationship with you is like going out with a children’s TV presenter.”

The Bloke once said this to me in passing in the early stages of our relationship, and of all the ways I have been described by others over the years, this was by far the most unique. When I asked for an explanation, he couldn’t give me a detailed answer, just that I reminded him of one.

Editors note: For those of you under the age of thirty and living outside of the UK, the remainder of this post is going to make little sense.

I’ve pondered the meaning of this statement for years. I don’t have children and haven’t watched children’s television for years, so as part of my research I turned to the CBBC channel for help.

What I discovered was horrifying. On the screen was a woman with a face that had been contorted into a ridiculous smile, wittering utter rubbish about flowers and donkeys whilst wearing a waterproof in such bright colours that I had to repress the urge to put my sunglasses on. To add insult to injury, I was then patronised by the same woman who showed me her bathing suit and a towel and asked me to guess where she was going.

And then, I was introduced to Mr Tumble. Oh dear lord, Mr Tumble. The only explanation for Mr Tumble is that the must have been large amounts of LSD involved in his creation. While his alter ego, Justin, seemed to actually be a nice enough bloke, if a bit extreme, Mr Tumble made me want to jump into the screen and punch him repeatedly in the face.

Is that the way The Bloke saw me? Loud? Overly enthusiastic about everything? Talking in rhyme and in a voice like a bingo announcer? Saying ‘hahaaaa!’ at everything?

In my day (here is where I make myself feel really old), there were only two presenters that cut the mustard. Phillip Scofield and Andi Peters. Both presented their shows from ‘The Broom Cupboard,’ a tiny room where the walls were adorned with paintings and pictures that had been sent in by the viewers, and both had brilliant sidekicks – Phillip had Gordon the Gopher, and Andi had Edd the Duck. They were witty, hilarious and warm in their presenting skills (which is probably the reason why they are both highly successful and respected TV presenters and producers today), and they had guests! They weren’t patronising, they didn’t ask stupid questions, they gave us information and spoke to us as human beings. I had a huge crush on Phillip – it must have been the knitted sweaters…

The question remains, which sort of children’s TV presenter am I? The patronising, overly enthusiastic one with a eccentric fashion sense, or the witty, charming and informative one.

I like to think it is the latter…

What about you? What is the best description of yourself you have ever received?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

If We Were Having Coffee #2

Posted on August 18, 2014 by suzie81speaks

I love the idea of a conversational post, the idea created by Part Time Monster and lots of blogs that I follow participate.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I went to see The Expendables 3 at the cinema yesterday, and loved it. It isn’t going to win any Oscars, but the one liners, in jokes and an all star cast consisting of my favourite action stars all on one screen made me so hyped up I had to control myself from standing up in the middle of the theatre and screaming ‘yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!’ at the top of my voice. Of course, it was even better in the fact that it starred Dolph Lundgren, the most beautiful man ever created and the subject of a 26 year obsession. If you like senseless violence, huge explosions and cheesy dialogue, this is the film for you. I haven’t enjoyed a film this much since Avengers Assemble.

While I love senseless violence in the fictional world, the violence that is taking place in the real world is heartbreaking, to the point where I don’t want to watch the news anymore. I read an article this morning that stated that there are thirty-two different conflicts taking place at the minute across the world. From Gaza to Ferguson, every day presents me with stories of senseless cruelty and loss. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the world is going mad.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am looking forward to meeting up with my girlie friends tonight for the first time in a few months. Of the five of us, one is celebrating their birthday and another has obtained a job in Spain, teaching English. They are all teachers, we all met while working at the same school and they couldn’t be any more different in personality, but they’re hilarious and I love them to pieces. Cocktails, stories and lots of laughs are guaranteed!

It’s been an interesting week in the blogging world too. I’ve had lots of positive responses to my WordPress Experiment, my best friend started his own blog, I did a lovely interview with Ronovan Writes and have invited to participate in a podcast (more on that in a later post). However, I’m hugely behind in my writing – I have nine or ten of them that are almost finished and are sitting in my drafts folder, so prepare to be bombarded over the next few days!

If we were having coffee, I would complain that I am fed up of hearing ‘Let It Go,’ from Frozen. It’s been released yet again by the winners of Britain’s got Talent and I am officially sick of it. It’s a great song, granted, but I’m tired of it, particularly the parodies. There are teacher versions, doctor versions, parent versions, even breaking wind versions. Enough!!!

I have two weeks left of the summer, and it is going far too quickly. Today is the final day that I am giving myself to just sit back and simply enjoy some me time. As of tomorrow, the me time needs to become more ‘work’ time. Dammit.

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog.

Questions, Questions, Questions: The WordPress Community Experiment

Posted on August 13, 2014 by suzie81speaks

109

Last December I asked a set of seven questions to the WordPress community and invited anyone and everyone to participate. The response that I received was incredible, and the resulting answers gave me a small insight into the blogging world and it’s members.

Since then, my following has tripled, I have received nearly A QUARTER OF A MILLION views (I still can’t believe that) and over the last eight months I have ‘met’ and formed small relationships with lots of wonderful people, so I thought it would be a nice idea to do this experiment again. It isn’t a blog party, so please don’t leave links to your general posts, but it (if enough people participate) will provide a great opportunity for bloggers to meet new people who share similar interests. You don’t have to follow this blog, or have a lot of blogging experience to participate.

Here’s how it works:

Answer the questions below, either in your own post (link it back to this one) or in the comment section below. They can be as short or as detailed as you like.

The post will remain open for the next three days, during which I will compile all the answers. Any answers you provide will be directly linked to your blog, and I will include examples of everybody’s answers in the follow up post.

1. How did you create the title for your blog?

2. What’s the one bit of blogging advice you would give to new bloggers?

3. What is the strangest experience you’ve ever had?

4. What is the best thing that anybody has ever said to you?

5. When presented with a time machine, which one place and time would you visit?

6. If you had to pick a new first name, what would you choose?

7. If you were a B Movie, what would it be called?

I’m looking forward to reading your answers! Feel free to invite your bloggy friends to participate – share, reblog, and retweet to your hearts content!

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and you can also find me on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

THIS EXPERIMENT HAS NOW ENDED. COMMENTS HAVE NOW BEEN DISABLED ON THIS POST. THANK YOU TO ALL THOSE WHO PARTICIPATED!

I Remember

Posted on August 7, 2014 by suzie81speaks

I remember the tent in the hallway, pretending that we were on holiday.

I remember the Christmas Days, sitting around the table. I remember the food, the laughter, the chatter. I remember feeling part of a unit, a team, a family.

I remember his jokes. He would always sing songs and ask me if I was ‘courting’ yet, despite the fact that I was only ten years old. I remember how much my sisters and I loved him.

I remember ‘I Won’t Send Roses’ and ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone.’

I remember the last day, where I was the only one that wasn’t crying. I remember running down the road, signed T-shirt in hand, elated that I would never have to see them ever again.

I remember the long hours, the Ajax and the boredom. I remember the embarrassment of the face paint, and footballers on Sundays. I remember the smell that would permeate my clothes and linger for hours after a shift.

I remember waiting for him to call.

I remember the smell of his aftershave on his sweater that I wore.

I remember the Miller Man, the bikini, the music and the British Chippendales. I remember the lock ins, the cigarettes and the burnt holes in the carpets. I remember the Aqua bar.

I remember the B&B and the jealousy. I remember the black dress that was totally unsuitable for the occasion.

I remember Barber, Greig, Saint-Saens and Beethoven.

I remember the letter that offered me the chance of a new life. I remember that my whole life easily fit into eight boxes.

I remember the cocktails, the dancing and the hangover.

I remember sitting in the long grass in the sun and watching them run up and down the hill, shrieking as they lost their shoes.

I remember the Empire State Building, the piano and the bag. I remember the sand, the Ferris wheel and the graffiti. I remember the sore feet, the chess and the sunburn.

I remember the feeling of being utterly alone and helpless as I walked into that room almost every day.

I remember the kiss.

I remember staring at her in the cage, and knowing that she was the one. I remember the mornings she would wake me up at 4.00am, wanting to be fed. I remember the cuddles, the TV, the snoring. I remember her face at the window every evening.

I remember the tower, the sunset, the lock on the bridge and the river. I remember the gypsies, the tambourines and the latch. I remember the graves, the maps and the language.

I remember the first young faces, staring at me with the assumption that I knew what I was doing. I remember pretending that I did, hiding my terror behind a smile and a song.

I remember lying on the beach, watching the world go by. For those short hours, responsibility didn’t exist. Fear didn’t exist. Life didn’t exist.

I remember the box on my doorstep.

I remember the answer machine messages of my song.

I remember the microphone, the mad Irish girl, the promise, the snuff and Sinead O’Connor.

I remember the superheroes, the spaghetti and the phone call. I remember the awkward waitress and the free cranberry juice.

I remember the amphitheatre, the pool and Whigfield. I remember the waterpark, and the screams that she made as she was going down the waterslide.

I remember watching as he unwrapped the paper, after I waited for nearly two months for him to do so. I remember the expression on his face.

I remember the cheque, the train journey, Varsity and her tears as she realised I was standing outside her building. I remember the text and the meal.

I remember The Villa, Skunk Anansie and the concerto.

I remember the American girl. I remember his face when I surprised him. I remember the Gap sweater, the box of twinkles and the concert. I remember the flutes, the car journey and the programme.

I remember the Eye, the sunset, the teddy bear and the city during a wonderful weekend.

I remember saying goodbye.

I remember the screaming the lyrics until my voice was sore and spilling my beer down his back in the Golden Circle.

I remember the bracelet and the cards.

I remember finally knowing. For the first time, all was clear.

I remember opening the door…

What about you? What memories do you have?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Written in response to the Weekly Writing Challenge

Things People Say and What They Actually Mean

Posted on August 4, 2014 by suzie81speaks

I’ve seen a lot of these lists recently, and they’re all very funny in the fact that they’re absolutely true. I thought I’d add my own from my various experiences of life.

1. I’ll be there in twenty minutes: I still haven’t got dressed and can’t find my handbag.

2. I’ll be there as soon as I can, I’m still waiting for a taxi: See number 1.

3. It’s not really my style, but I’m sure it would look good on you: I hate that outfit.

4. Well, if that’s your decision then I’ll support you: I totally disagree with your decision but I’m not going to say anything.

5. Do you think I’m overreacting?: I don’t care whether you think I’m overreacting, I expect you to agree with me.

6. As long as he makes you happy: I think he’s a douchebag.

7. I’m going to the bar, does anyone want a drink?: I’m asking when I can see you’ve all got full glasses, but don’t want to be accused of not buying a round.

8. (When asked for a choice between two options) I’m happy with either, you choose: I know what I want to do but don’t want to be responsible for you being bored.

9. I haven’t got any money: I don’t want to go.

10. Ooh, you look really pretty today: I see you’ve bothered to put makeup on today.

11. Sorry I didn’t get your message, I think that there’s something wrong with my phone: I completely forgot to reply to your initial message.

12. Sorry, but… : I’m not sorry, I’m just about to tell you that you’re wrong.

13. Ok, I’ll give it a go: I’m not going to even attempt to do it as I can’t be bothered, but I’m going to ask for help again later on and give the impression that I’ve really tried.

14. I hear what you’re saying, but… : I totally disagree and don’t really want to have any further conversations about it.

15. I was really disappointed when you… : You really p*ssed me off.

16. If you’re free for a catch-up let me know: I know that neither of us are going to contact each other, but I thought I would be polite.

17. It’s not you, it’s me: It’s you. Definitely you.

18. Haha! Only joking! : I wasn’t joking.

19. Thanks anyway: Thanks for nothing.

20. I’m not ready for a relationship right now: I’m not attracted to you enough to want to be in a monogamous relationship with you.

21. Aww, he’s a little bruiser isn’t he!: Your child is overweight.

22. I’m not feeling well: I want to stay in, watch TV and eat Doritos.

23. Lol: I didn’t laugh, but I am acknowledging the fact that you made a joke.

24. Do you want the last one?: I really want the last one and am hoping that you’ll let me have it.

25. I’ll be ok: I’m fed up, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I would like you to shut up now.

26. I’m going to go, I’ve got be to up early for work tomorrow: I’m bored.

27. You look like you need a hand: You’re doing a rubbish job and I think I can do it better.

What about you guys? Do people around you say things that they don’t mean?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Train Adventures

Posted on July 27, 2014 by suzie81speaks

It’s another glorious day and I’m on a train to London – I’ve booked tickets for The Commitments for my mother and I and we’re going to have a lovely meal at a beautiful restaurant.

I always try and reserve seats in advance and I was pleased that for once I had managed to obtain a seat with a table and a plug outlet. Unfortunately, when I arrived I had discovered that an elderly lady had sat in it. She pretended not to hear me when I informed her that she had taken my seat so I sat opposite her instead. It’s fairly quiet at the minute and I’m quite comfortable so I’ll wait until someone tells me to move and then work it out later. I’m currently sitting next to a lovely woman from London who is on her way back from a bachelorette party and is feeling extremely hung over. She’s very nice, but absolutely reeks of alcohol. We’ve been stopped for a while now in the middle of nowhere as there is apparently debris on the track, so I’m going to be late for meeting mum, but it has given me the opportunity to be nosey and observe those around me.

Regardless of the journey I am on, there are always the same type of people in each carriage:

1. The Sniffer. It’s almost rhythmic – 1, 2, 3, sniff, 1,2, 3, sniff. I have been known to make up melodies to match the patterns.

2. The Small Talker. The person that’s desperate to get to know everyone around them because they can’t stand the silence.

3. The Old Marrieds. Obviously been together as long as I’ve been alive, and have developed the art of commenting on everything and everyone around them… “Ooh, look John, a lovely tree. Isn’t that a lovely tree!”

4. The Stag and Hen parties. It’s always possible to tell what stage of the party they have reached based on the noise level – if it’s just beginning there will be lots of shouting and laughing, if they’re on the way home the smell of stale beer will be in the air and they’ll be talking very slowly and quietly about the events of the previous night.

5. The Business Person. Dressed in a suit. Working on a laptop. Talking loudly on the phone, their conversation interspersed with loud guffawing.

6. The Stressed Out Parent. Their child simply won’t shut up, and so they’ve given up and have allowed them to run up and down the carriage just for a minutes peace.

7. The Complainer. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. They’re tired. Why isn’t the coffee machine working in the shop.

8. The Girl Who Has Just Been Dumped. Will spend the entire journey on the phone, starting with the ex and followed by every single female friend in their phone. Usually finishes with a phone call to their mother.

9. The Chewer. Chews their food loudly. Very loudly. Fond of consuming crisps (chips) in vast quantities…

10. The Music Enthusiast. Likes to listen to music on their headphones so loudly that the rest of the carriage can hear them.

What about you guys? Do you see any stereotypes on public transport?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

The Ice-Cream Adverts Lie To Me

Posted on July 25, 2014 by suzie81speaks

It’s hot. Wonderfully, scorchingly hot. In the eloquent words of Lord Flasheart (and my friend Dave), it’s as hot as my pants. The ice-cream van is permanently situated at the end of my road, tempting me every five minutes by blasting out the ‘Match of the Day’ theme tune to remind me of its presence. I love a good ice-cream cone, but it’s so hot I don’t know whether to eat one or simply face plant it.

However, as much as I love ice-cream, there is something that always annoys me at this time of the year…

The Magnum adverts. Every. Single. Year.

I love Magnums – they’re one of my favourites, and I make it my mission to have at least one of every flavour over the summer months. The adverts are all over the television. Each advert usually follows the same conventions – one or more beautiful model-type girls bite into a magnum while walking around a beautiful city. It’s a simple concept.

Alas, as much as I would like to buy into the idea, it never fails to make me so annoyed I always loudly complain the The Bloke, who knows me well enough to nod, smile and carry on with whatever he’s doing. Why? Because the Magnum advert lies to me.

Lie 1: When the girl bites into the Magnum, the chocolate stays in tact around the bite mark and she maintains a certain sexy quality.

Truth: When I bite into a Magnum, the chocolate explodes everywhere. It’s on the floor, on my clothes, down my cleavage and in my hair.

Lie 2: The girl is able to eat the ice-cream without getting any on her lips.

Truth: Any attempt that I have ever made to eat the ice-cream in a Magnum will always leave me with melted vanilla lines at the side of my mouth. The late Heath Ledger clearly saw me doing this before he took the role of the Joker in the Dark Night film – the resemblance is striking.

Lie 3: The Magnum stays perfectly frozen.

Truth: It’s an ice-cream apocalypse. It’s running down the stick and onto my clothes and the floor. I’ve got melted chocolate on my hands, my face and in my hair. It’s a race against time to consume it before it disappears.

Lies, Magnum, lies. Or perhaps I just eat like a pig?

What about you guys? Do certain adverts annoy you?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Why I Don’t Believe in Soulmates

Posted on July 20, 2014 by suzie81speaks

Lots of people in my world are getting married at the minute, and amidst the excitable chatter about dresses, cake, flowers and reception venues I have heard the world ‘soulmate’ thrown around a number of times.

Admittedly, I am hardly Little Miss Romantic, despite immersing myself in many a romantic comedy over the years. Most of these films seem to follow the same conventions – the characters meet, they fall in love, we see a montage that demonstrates some happy times together, something or someone interferes, they break up and eventually the film will end with a huge gesture and a proclamation of feelings and the couple will kiss while an orchestra plays intense, passionate music in the background.

However, what happens when Vivienne rescues Edward ‘right back?’ Did Harry continue to love the little wrinkle in the middle of Sally’s forehead? Did Hal love Rosemary regardless of her size or did he revert back to his shallow ways?

What we actually see in these films is not love, it’s a demonstration of mutual attraction and the fun, exciting initial stages of the honeymoon period in a relationship. It’s pure lust. These characters don’t appear to deal with every day situations – the stresses of work, being tired and grumpy at each other, having a nasty cold, having the car break down on the way to work, the death of a family member, friend or pet. Why? Because real life is far more boring.

The Bloke and I have been together for about four and a half years. (We’ve actually lived together for six, but that is a much longer story that I will save for later). He’s my bloke, my partner in crime, my other half. He’s the person I am pleased to wake up to every morning.

But he isn’t my soulmate.

Why? Because I don’t believe that soulmates exist, or at least not in the context that it is used in the present day. The concept is nice, but unrealistic. In a world where seven billion people exist I refuse to believe that there is just one person for each of us, and I’m positive that if we had never met and were living in different places we would be equally happy with somebody else.

It may sound harsh, but my problem with the idea of a soulmate is that there is a sense of perfection behind the term. While I am by no means an expert in relationships, and I am certainly not claiming to be, I know enough to realise that perfection, in all forms, simply doesn’t exist. As human beings, we are all intrinsically flawed, and unless we are willing to accept both our own flaws and the flaws of our partners we will be forever left feeling disappointed.

Soulmates are not born and meant for each other, they are created through an ongoing process of trust, honesty and respect with people who deserve to be in a relationship with each other. When things have been going really well, The Bloke has been there with me to celebrate, and I’ve done the same with him. When I’ve been hurt or upset, The Bloke listened, comforted me and told me it would all be ok, and I’ve done the same for him. When I was ill and in hospital, he was there every night and sat with me for hours. When we had to move house shortly after, he pretty much did the whole thing by himself as I hadn’t fully recovered. We talk, we laugh, we go out together. He makes my lunch, runs me baths, picks me up from work and rubs my feet. He’s not just my bloke, he’s my friend, my confidante, my rock. I love him, and he loves me. He makes me happy. However, he’s not perfect, and neither am I.

While it’s certainly a far less romantic thought, I think its far more important to stop idealising the concept of ‘The One,’ and start working on the creation of forever in our relationships. It might just save a lot of time and heartache in the long term…

What do you think? Have you found your soulmate? Do you believe in them? Are you still waiting to meet yours?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

25 More Thoughts for the Day

Posted on July 12, 2014 by suzie81speaks

A few weeks ago I created a post entitled ’25 Thoughts For the Day,’ which essentially was a collection of 25 phrases that I had collected from various memes and inspirational posters around the Internet. It was received quite well, and in a few of the comments that were given there was a request to do another. Unfortunately, sequels are invariably nowhere near the standard of the original, but I thought I would honour the requests and create a further list…

1. Don’t regret the things you did. Regret the things you didn’t do when you had the chance.

2. Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

3. Build your own dreams, or somebody else will hire you to build theirs.

4. With great power comes a great electricity bill.

5. You never realise how boring your life is until someone asks you what you do for fun.

6. Help a man when he is in trouble, and he’ll remember you when he is trouble again.

7. The best things in life are free. The second best things are very expensive.

8. A jealous person does better detective work than the FBI.

9. Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

10. Unless life also hands you water, your lemonade is going to suck.

11. You can’t breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

12. You’ve just tried it, realised that you can breathe through your nose with your tongue out, but doing so makes you closely resemble a panting dog.

13. A whale swims all day, eats fish and is fat. A tortoise barely moves and can live for hundreds of years. Exercise fanatics: think on…

14. The chance of you dying on the way to buy your lottery ticket is greater than your chance of winning.

15. When nothing goes left… Go right.

16. Life is like a party. You invite lots of people – some will arrive on time, bring their own drinks and food, some will stay up all night, some will laugh at you, some will laugh with you, some will arrive really late. When the fun is over, some will help you clean up the mess, even though it wasn’t theirs.

17. Never trust a computer that you can’t throw out of a window.

18. Forgive your enemy… But never forget their name.

19. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.

20. Do not let success go to your head, and failure go to your heart.

21. There are often three sides to a story. Yours, theirs and the truth.

22. If everyone is completely happy with you in life, you may have made many compromises. If you are happy with everyone, it is likely that you have ignored the many faults of others.

23. Life is like a bath – the longer you’re in it, the more wrinkled you are going to get.

24. If you love something set it free… Unless its a tiger.

25. And finally, this:

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Tired

Posted on July 8, 2014 by suzie81speaks

I’m feeling really tired today, partly because of yesterday’s run and partly due to the fact that I was awake until 1.30am dealing with the insanity that was yesterday’s blogging endeavours. I wanted to take the opportunity to say thank you for the hundreds of messages, comments and emails that I received from you guys – it means a lot and once again demonstrates just how amazing the WordPress community is. I feel very lucky to be a small part of it.

School is almost over for the summer and now the students have done their assessments I was able to sit back and actually enjoy just being in the classroom. It’s a brilliant atmosphere at the minute – some of my students are in disgustingly good moods as they are excited about the holidays ahead and are desperate to share their holiday destinations with everyone.

I’m not going on holiday this year – the cat and the vets bills have seen to that – but I am determined to get away for just a day or two. Here’s where I need your help – do you have any ideas for fun activities/days out/days in that won’t leave me bankrupt?

Image credit: attackofthecute.com

© Suzie81 Speaks Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used with permission given, provided that full and clear credit is given to Suzie81 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 2014