Tag Archives: humour

Toilet Humour

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I had a day off today, so decided to spend a bit of ‘me time’ during the afternoon in between my usual social media tasks. I had a lovely nap, watched some Netflix with the cat (who was obviously enthralled by the way he was snoring in my ear) and then arranged to meet my friend for our weekly catch up in the local pub.

She was on her way back from work so I went upstairs to get changed, during which I went to the toilet before I left the house. Our toilet has been faulty for a while – the mechanism inside doesn’t always work which means that we have to wait for the water to fill back up and then manually stop it ourselves. It’s not a major inconvenience, but needed fixing and has been on the ‘to do’ list for a while, along with another bajillion tasks that we don’t seem to get round to. Continue reading →

A Cat in a Hat and a Drunken Tree

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imageAfter enviously seeing some of my neighbours Christmas decorations over the last few days, I took the opportunity this morning to finally decorate the tree and front room.

We’ve had the same tree for years – a cheap and artificial Argos purchase – and it’s been with us through three house moves. The decorations initially started off as one silver bauble set, lights and some tinsel that we bought with the tree, but every year we have added to it with things we have purchased on our travels, resulting in a mishmash of glass stars, little pottery santas, Beatrix potter characters, wooden snowflakes and gingerbread figures. People with design ideals and OCD would have a minor panic attack. Continue reading →

Blog of the Day: Shank You Very Much

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Meet Heather!

Heather is the creator of Shank You Very Much. I like her About page (and the adorable picture of her dog!).

I am a person filled with sarcasm and it makes its appearance at the most inopportune times. I’ve been likened to a Seinfeld character, which is unsurprising since that show literally shaped my childhood. Every Thursday through the late eighties and early nineties, you knew where to find me. Continue reading →

Bridezilla

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‘I’m not going to even start looking at anything until the summer holidays.’

This was what I said about a week ago when one of my friends asked me whether The Bloke and I had set a date.

What a load of nonsense – if I could go back and slap myself, I would. I blame Pinterest – I created a secret board five days ago when I had a sleepless night and I’ve already got about 150 pins of ideas that I like.

It’s only been eight days since The Bloke popped the question, and I’ve got the whole thing planned. For me, I’ve always wanted a small, inexpensive wedding day, with the important part being the ceremony itself, followed by an amazing honeymoon to remember, which we know we can ask for help with from our guests instead of setting up a registry. I’m not one of those brides who has dreamed of walking down the aisle in a designer gown, particularly when it’s only going to be worn once and then shoved in a box in the wardrobe. I’m not bothered about tradition or pomp and circumstance. It’s about us.

Despite this, I know where and when it will happen (I’ve already spoken to the venue to check that they are available and will cater for what we want) the dress I’ll be wearing, invitations, colour scheme, flowers, bridesmaids dresses (I’ve asked my sisters – which is amazing because this is not something I would have done two years ago), favors, cake… Money is going to be tight, and we’re paying for it ourselves, so I’ve already found ways to save on the cost by mentally calling in some favours with some creative and crafty friends. Continue reading →

Penis Balloons

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I’m slightly concerned about the search engine terms I’ll receive after this, but I couldn’t resist…

I have two house cats that are getting quite old. One of them has Type 1 diabetes, and needs twice daily insulin injections to make sure that her blood sugars are regulated. Consequently, whenever I go away, I need someone to administer her medication, as putting her in a cattery would be too stressful. Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who looks after them for me, and she very kindly agreed to be on cat-sitting duty while The Bloke and I went to Scotland for a week.

All week, she’s been sending me pics via Facebook messenger to ease my worry on how they were. As we were driving back, she sent me a message to ask what time we would arrive home. It was an exhausting trip, and The Bloke and I were incredibly relieved to be back.

We opened the front door and walked in to this… Continue reading →

‘What I Shoped’ – Unusual (and Baffling) Search Engine Terms

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imageSEO, or Search Engine Optimisation, is a big thing in the blogging world, and I’ve read a number of posts about how to use it to increase traffic to the blog. Over the last few years I have started to get a large amount of referrals from search engines, and I love seeing the sorts of things that people have typed in and stumbled across my blog as a result.

Some, I can explain, because I know that a few of my posts are on the first page of Google. For my post ‘23 Things You Should Do Before You’re 23,‘ which still remains as one of my most popular, I often receive things like ‘things to do before 23,’ or ‘What should I do before my 23rd?’. For ‘Nine Things That We Don’t Owe Anyone,’ I get terms like ‘I don’t owe you,’ or ‘things I shouldn’t owe people.’ Recently, with the ‘Trigglypuff‘ saga taking the internet by storm, I have received lots of terms with Trigglypuff mentioned.

However, it’s becoming more frequent that I am finding sentences that make me wonder what on earth I have been writing over the last three years. I’ve always considered this blog to be at a PG rating, with only one or two references made to adult content. However, it’s clear that a large amount of my search terms are focused on these references, so at this point I’d like to warn you that the content of the rest of this post may get a little rude… You may wish to read some of it peeking out through your fingers. Or avoid eating…
 Continue reading →

Things I Wish I Had Learned in School

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imageA while ago, I created a list all the useless things that I learned during my school years. This prompted a number of conversations with friends about what we felt we should actually have learned all those years ago that would be relevant to our present lives. Of course, financial insights into mortgages, loans and interest rates were at the top of our lists, but after a while the inevitable silliness took over. Here are some of the best:

1. How to work my bedroom blinds. I made the wrong decision at university – instead of a music degree my time would have been better spent learning how to pull my blinds up without them being uneven or falling back down again. They’re the bane of my life.

2. How to stop spending my money on useless crap. Even now, despite attempting to be much more frugal with my earnings, I can still leave the house with £30 in my purse and return with no money, nothing to show for it and no knowledge of how I have spent it.

3. How to fix a photocopier. The photocopier at work is the most complicated piece of machinery I have ever used. It contains so many components and parts I suspect that it was secretly designed by NASA, and it clearly has a grudge against me. I could be watching it for several minutes while the person before me does 50 copies, but the minute I put my paper in it shuts down and has a tantrum. I follow the instructions carefully to locate where the paper jam is, only to discover that there is no paper anywhere to be seen. I’ve heard of dog and horse whisperers, does this mean there are photocopier whisperers? Continue reading →

I Went, I Shopped, I Bought Stuff…

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imageAfter yesterday’s nonsense I decided that the only thing for it was to take myself off into town and have a shop. I’m going to a wedding on Saturday and needed a dress. At least, that’s what I was telling myself.

Now, while I can easily spend hours browsing through make-up and beauty products, I’m not exactly a patient person when it comes to shopping for clothes for a number of reasons:

1. Over the last five years I’ve put on quite a large amount of weight, which means that I now have a big ass to go with the large hips that all the women in my family have inherited from my grandmother, so finding something that a/ is in my size and b/ is flattering to my pear shape is quite difficult.

2. If I do actually find something, it’s inevitable that I can’t afford it.

3. I don’t particularly make an effort to look my best when I’m trudging around, so it’s a frequent occurrence that shop assistants are rude and unhelpful (make-up assistants at a very well known brand are particularly awful in my experience) and it’s not uncommon for me to be followed by some sort of security guard who has clearly made the assumption that I’m going to steal something and is waiting to pounce on me. Continue reading →

Rabbiting Numpties on the Train

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imageI sometimes think that my mindset hasn’t changed since I was eighteen. I certainly don’t feel any different than I did back then – my body is slightly larger than it was and I have more responsibilities, but I don’t feel out of place or older in any way…

That is, until I sit on a train and have to listen to a group of twenty year-old boys talk about their weekend.

It’s Mother’s Day here in the UK, so I’m currently travelling up north to go and spend the day with mum and the family. We left it a bit late to book a restaurant, so my sister and I are cooking at her flat, which works out perfectly because she has a four month-old pug puppy, Dougal, who can’t be left on his own for very long. Continue reading →

Acts That Would Be a Better Entry for Eurovision 2016

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I love Eurovision. It’s one of the highlights of my year, behind Christmas and the start of the summer holidays, and The Bloke and I make a big deal of getting in the snacky treats and alcohol and generally having a laugh at the nonsense that is spewed out each year.

Tonight we watched the #EurovisionYouDecide, the contest in which the UK votes for their favourite to represent us in the competition. The winners were ‘Joe and Jake,’ former contestants from vocal talent show ‘The Voice,’ who, while they seemed like nice people, the song wasn’t offensive (and nothing could be more offensive that the god-awful sh*t show we put forward last year) and they could sing in tune, they were lacking in what my mother refers to as ‘oomph’ – that power and presence that makes people want to stand up and yell YEEEEAAAAH when the song has finished. It was vanilla ice-cream, without the vanilla. And they were the best of a ‘meh’ bunch.

For me, Eurovision has not been a rewarding experience over the last nineteen years. We’ve tried everything, including the boyband (Blue), the world famous crooner (Englebert Humperdink), we’ve even shoved Bonnie Tyler on stage in a desperate attempt to get back into Europe’s favour. Continue reading →