I Shouldn’t Be This Attached To a Phone, But…

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In the not-so-distant past, my personal life existed without the use of lots of technology. I didn’t have a home computer or the Internet and my mobile phone was a brick that I could use to ring someone, send them a text message or play snake on. I had a stack of hundreds of CD’s and a little CD player, basic television service and a DVD player.

Three years ago, I got an iPhone 4. I was late to jump on the Apple bandwagon, but being in a relationship with an Apple fanatic and all-round computer geek, I was easily swayed when it came time to renew my contract and decided to upgrade to something awesome.

From the minute I was handed that shiny black handset, I was hooked. Everything it did fascinated me and I spent hours poring over all the brilliant things I could now do that seemed almost space-aged to me before. However tragic it may sound, it became almost like another limb. Wherever I went, it came with me.

With the help of this little device, I kept in contact with everyone who means something to me through phonecalls, text messages, email, FaceTime, Facebook, Twitter… It was the source of laughter as my family and friends shared their stories, and of pain as I was informed of the loss of people that I loved. It helped me to mend broken relationships, and end others.

It shared with me major and local news events, corrected my spelling, told me the time in all the world’s major cities, informed me of the weather and reminded me of important birthdays and appointments.

It allowed me to kill zombies with plants, farm zombies, crush candies, match dots and throw agitated birds of various colours and sizes at green pigs.

It kept me entertained during train and plane journeys. It travelled to Paris, Malaga, New York, Philadelphia, Washington, London, Naples and Amsterdam with me. It joined me on the beach, at the spa, by the pool, in restaurants and nightclubs, the pub and several music gigs.

It encouraged me to watch entire seasons of ‘Drop Dead Diva,’ ‘White Collar,’ documentaries, children’s programmes that made me feel nostalgic and Rom Coms that I knew The Bloke didn’t want to see through the Netflix app.

It took this photograph:

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And this:

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And this:

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And over 10,000 more, which are all stored in random files on my computer.

It allowed me to expand my musical palette, downloading songs that I had previously forgotten. It gave me rock playlists to accompany my shopping trips, easy listening playlists to relax me in the bath, Motown and soul playlists when I needed cheering up. It helped me to downsize my CD collection, creating more space in the house and contributing to local charity shops.

It helped me develop my blog, storing my ideas in the notes section for a later time when I could copy and paste them into a new post.

It was my sanctuary when my brain wouldn’t allow me to sleep at night, and would wake me up during afternoon naps at a weekend.

It recorded every significant moment in my life in the last three years, and still doesn’t bear a single scratch.

Today, it decided that it had had enough, and travelled over the electronic bridge in the sky. I have an image of little wings on it’s back, happily flapping through the air and thinking ‘thank goodness I don’t have to listen to her ramblings anymore.’ I shouldn’t be this attached to a mobile phone, but… I’m gutted.

Goodbye my little phone, we had some good times together.

What about you guys? What piece of technology do you rely on?

You can also find me in Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks.

 

Note To Self

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Yesterday I decided to edit my Facebook account, deleting unwanted photographs and removing people that I haven’t spoken to in over a year.

Inevitably I ended up trawling through my previous status updates, going back as far as 2007. What I noticed was that I seem to post similar things in patterns, one being in the form of a ‘Note To Self’ whenever I had done something particularly stupid that day. I thought I’d collate some of them and share them with you…

Ten Notes To Self:

1. When feeling inspired to cook, follow the instructions exactly and avoid substituting ingredients for ‘the next best thing’ because you can’t be bothered to go to the shop. This will prevent the resulting meal from tasting like vomit.

2. There is such a thing as too much garlic.

3. Drunkenly calling a man from Birmingham a ‘yam yam’ (slang term for a different area) in a chip shop in the early hours of the morning is not a good way to make friends, even if he insulted your accent first…

4. Wearing those shoes will be fabulous for the first five minutes. The rest of the night will be spent in utter agony. Next time, stick to flats…

5. When cooking a Linda McCartney lasagne it is a good idea to remove the plastic film from the top first. This will prevent your food being ruined and your oven from smelling like a plastics factory.

6. Do not allow your friends to film you during your drunken karaoke performances. Watching the video the next day will completely destroy the misconception that you were actually any good.

7. Replacing the word ‘Stingray’ with ‘bin bags’ in the Stingray theme tune and singing it loudly when you put your rubbish out will very likely cause your neighbours to think you have issues.

8. You may know all the dance moves to Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies.’ However, your version closely resembles that of a frog in a blender. Stop doing it when you’re on a night out – people are beginning to pity you.

9. Happiness is not found in that unbelievably massive chocolate bar. However, cellulite is and you’ll spend the next week regretting it, however yummy it is.

10. If you have to be up early the next morning it is not a good idea to watch YouTube videos in bed… Two hours sleep is not a good way to start the day.

I think a huge facepalm would be appropriate at this point… Or just this – a look similar to the ones I receive from The Bloke on a regular basis.

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What about you? Are there any notes that you need to write to yourself?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Picture Credit: Google Images

 

Useless Things I Learned in School

One of the benefits of the British Education System is that students are offered lots of opportunities to be introduced to new subjects and ideas and as a teacher I believe that a well-rounded education and a love of learning is important. However, not everything that we learn will have a useful impact on our adult lives, and these will differ depending on our strengths, interests and career choices. Sixteen years after I left school, here are some of the things that I learned and have not used since. Continue reading

Twitter Party: #SundayBlogShare

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It took me a long time to add social media accounts to my blog and it has always been one of my biggest blogging regrets that I didn’t start sooner, as they are now responsible for about 75% of my overall traffic. Twitter, in particular, is a great way to share my posts and ideas immediately, and there is the possibility that posts could reach thousands if promoted by enough people.

I’ve decided to do a Twitter party in which all bloggers can share their posts and meet new people. It is going to be going on all day so feel free to join in at any time. Here is what you do:

1. Choose one of your favourite recent blog posts.

2. Share the link.

3. Use the hashtag #SundayBlogShare

Enjoy!

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog.

Things People Say and What They Actually Mean

I’ve seen a lot of these lists recently, and they’re all very funny in the fact that they’re absolutely true. I thought I’d add my own from my various experiences of life.

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1. I’ll be there in twenty minutes: I still haven’t got dressed and can’t find my handbag.

2. I’ll be there as soon as I can, I’m still waiting for a taxi: See number 1.

3. It’s not really my style, but I’m sure it would look good on you: I hate that outfit.

4. Well, if that’s your decision then I’ll support you: I totally disagree with your decision but I’m not going to say anything.

5. Do you think I’m overreacting?: I don’t care whether you think I’m overreacting, I expect you to agree with me.

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6. As long as he makes you happy: I think he’s a douchebag.

7. I’m going to the bar, does anyone want a drink?: I’m asking when I can see you’ve all got full glasses, but don’t want to be accused of not buying a round.

8. (When asked for a choice between two options) I’m happy with either, you choose: I know what I want to do but don’t want to be responsible for you being bored.

9. I haven’t got any money: I don’t want to go.

10. Ooh, you look really pretty today: I see you’ve bothered to put makeup on today.

11. Sorry I didn’t get your message, I think that there’s something wrong with my phone: I completely forgot to reply to your initial message.

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12. Sorry, but… : I’m not sorry, I’m just about to tell you that you’re wrong.

13. Ok, I’ll give it a go: I’m not going to even attempt to do it as I can’t be bothered, but I’m going to ask for help again later on and give the impression that I’ve really tried.

14. I hear what you’re saying, but… : I totally disagree and don’t really want to have any further conversations about it.

15. I was really disappointed when you… : You really p*ssed me off.

16. If you’re free for a catch-up let me know: I know that neither of us are going to contact each other, but I thought I would be polite.

17. It’s not you, it’s me: It’s you. Definitely you.

18. Haha! Only joking! : I wasn’t joking.

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19. Thanks anyway: Thanks for nothing.

20. I’m not ready for a relationship right now: I’m not attracted to you enough to want to be in a monogamous relationship with you.

21. Aww, he’s a little bruiser isn’t he!: Your child is overweight.

22. I’m not feeling well: I want to stay in, watch TV and eat Doritos.

23. Lol: I didn’t laugh, but I am acknowledging the fact that you made a joke.

24. Do you want the last one?: I really want the last one and am hoping that you’ll let me have it.

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25. I’ll be ok: I’m fed up, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I would like you to shut up now.

26. I’m going to go, I’ve got be to up early for work tomorrow: I’m bored.

27. You look like you need a hand: You’re doing a rubbish job and I think I can do it better.

What about you guys? Do people around you say things that they don’t mean?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

 

The Ice-Cream Adverts Lie To Me

It’s hot. Wonderfully, scorchingly hot. In the eloquent words of Lord Flasheart (and my friend Dave), it’s as hot as my pants. The ice-cream van is permanently situated at the end of my road, tempting me every five minutes by blasting out the ‘Match of the Day’ theme tune to remind me of its presence. I love a good ice-cream cone, but it’s so hot I don’t know whether to eat one or simply face plant it.

However, as much as I love ice-cream, there is something that always annoys me at this time of the year…

The Magnum adverts. Every. Single. Year.

I love Magnums – they’re one of my favourites, and I make it my mission to have at least one of every flavour over the summer months. The adverts are all over the television. Each advert usually follows the same conventions – one or more beautiful model-type girls bite into a magnum while walking around a beautiful city. It’s a simple concept.

Alas, as much as I would like to buy into the idea, it never fails to make me so annoyed I always loudly complain the The Bloke, who knows me well enough to nod, smile and carry on with whatever he’s doing. Why? Because the Magnum advert lies to me.

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Lie 1: When the girl bites into the Magnum, the chocolate stays in tact around the bite mark and she maintains a certain sexy quality.

Truth: When I bite into a Magnum, the chocolate explodes everywhere. It’s on the floor, on my clothes, down my cleavage and in my hair.

Lie 2: The girl is able to eat the ice-cream without getting any on her lips.

Truth: Any attempt that I have ever made to eat the ice-cream in a Magnum will always leave me with melted vanilla lines at the side of my mouth. The late Heath Ledger clearly saw me doing this before he took the role of the Joker in the Dark Night film – the resemblance is striking.

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Lie 3: The Magnum stays perfectly frozen.

Truth: It’s an ice-cream apocalypse. It’s running down the stick and onto my clothes and the floor. I’ve got melted chocolate on my hands, my face and in my hair. It’s a race against time to consume it before it disappears.

Lies, Magnum, lies. Or perhaps I just eat like a pig?

What about you guys? Do certain adverts annoy you?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

 

25 More Thoughts for the Day

A few weeks ago I created a post entitled ’25 Thoughts For the Day,’ which essentially was a collection of 25 phrases that I had collected from various memes and inspirational posters around the Internet. It was received quite well, and in a few of the comments that were given there was a request to do another. Unfortunately, sequels are invariably nowhere near the standard of the original, but I thought I would honour the requests and create a further list…

1. Don’t regret the things you did. Regret the things you didn’t do when you had the chance.

2. Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

3. Build your own dreams, or somebody else will hire you to build theirs.

4. With great power comes a great electricity bill.

5. You never realise how boring your life is until someone asks you what you do for fun.

6. Help a man when he is in trouble, and he’ll remember you when he is trouble again.

7. The best things in life are free. The second best things are very expensive.

8. A jealous person does better detective work than the FBI.

9. Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

10. Unless life also hands you water, your lemonade is going to suck.

11. You can’t breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

12. You’ve just tried it, realised that you can breathe through your nose with your tongue out, but doing so makes you closely resemble a panting dog.

13. A whale swims all day, eats fish and is fat. A tortoise barely moves and can live for hundreds of years. Exercise fanatics: think on…

14. The chance of you dying on the way to buy your lottery ticket is greater than your chance of winning.

15. When nothing goes left… Go right.

16. Life is like a party. You invite lots of people – some will arrive on time, bring their own drinks and food, some will stay up all night, some will laugh at you, some will laugh with you, some will arrive really late. When the fun is over, some will help you clean up the mess, even though it wasn’t theirs.

17. Never trust a computer that you can’t throw out of a window.

18. Forgive your enemy… But never forget their name.

19. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.

20. Do not let success go to your head, and failure go to your heart.

21. There are often three sides to a story. Yours, theirs and the truth.

22. If everyone is completely happy with you in life, you may have made many compromises. If you are happy with everyone, it is likely that you have ignored the many faults of others.

23. Life is like a bath – the longer you’re in it, the more wrinkled you are going to get.

24. If you love something set it free… Unless its a tiger.

25. And finally, this:

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You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Blog Burnout and a Night of Karaoke

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I’ve been away from the blog for the longest period since I started it just over a year ago. There wasn’t anything that prompted this particular absence, it just sort of happened. I suppose the best explanation would be a mild case of blog burnout – I had run out of ideas, I was finding it difficult to keep up with the volume of comments that I was receiving (thank you – I read and appreciated every single one of them) and needed a little bit of time to regroup, so aside from a pug in some funny glasses and some reblogs my contribution to the blogging world has been minimal.

The last few weeks have reached a plateau of ‘just fine,’ which is a brilliant place to be after six months of continuous chaos. I slowed my pace down, relaxed a little and attempted to take things in my stride. I spent a lovely day in the sun, watching my students participate in the annual Sports Day, I enjoyed a fabulous meal at my favourite restaurant with The Bloke, I caught up with some old friends, rediscovered my love of Dolly Parton after watching her performance at Glastonbury on the TV, and I have developed an obsession with the TV show ‘White Collar’ and the ever lovely Matt Bomer (yes, I know he’s gay, happily married to his husband and a father of three, but he’s so pretty I could cry).

There was one thing I was determined to do, however, as soon as I got the chance:

Karaoke.

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Yes. I’m one of those.

I can sing. I’m not exactly going to be winning the X Factor anytime soon, but I can hold a tune and make it sound ok. I first discovered this when then Best Mate and I started going to a karaoke bar in the Chinese Quarter in Birmingham just for something different, and after a few drinks I plucked up the courage to sing Sinead O’Conner’s ‘Nothing Compares’ when my friends went out for a cigarette. It must have sounded ok – the Best Mate came running back in to see who was on the microphone and was surprised to see it was me.

Since then, karaoke has become a joint passion that only we seem to share – our collective friends would rather pull out their own fingernails than pick up a microphone. It just so happens that the Best Mate now runs his own karaoke nights at the pub that he works at, and so I invited myself along.

For the first time in ages I took the time to actually get dressed up. It wasn’t anything fancy, but I did my hair and make up and put on some nicer clothes than I would normally wear, and was feeling good by the time I left the house. The pub was fairly quiet, but by 9.00pm I had drank a few fruit ciders and decided to go for it, starting with Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse’s version of ‘Valerie,’ followed, by John Legend’s ‘All Of Me.’ The response was awesome, although it did prompt an elderly drunk man to attempt to talk to me about classical music by screaming ‘BACH! BACH!’ in my face and spitting all over me as he was doing so.

Nice.

Suffice to say, I got home at 2.30am. For the first time in months I was drunk – not falling about all over the place drunk, but drunk enough to confuse The Bloke with whatever I decided to ramble at him about when I was climbing into bed. I had performed half of Journey’s back catalogue, along with a few Irene Cara classics and at one point a really rude song from a Tenacious D album (I’m not going to repeat it on here – your eyes will bleed).

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Unfortunately, what I have discovered since reaching my 30’s is that a brilliant night is now followed my an enormous hangover, and so the highs of Friday night were marred slightly by waking up on Saturday morning with an intense headache, jelly legs and an urge never to drink ever again.

Definitely worth it though…

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog

Me Grandfather’s Clock.

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My Grandfather was a stereotypical northern English man to the core, and the kindest, sweetest person that I ever had the privilege to know. For those that are familiar with the comedy duo Morecambe and Wise, my grandfather was very similar to Eric Morecambe – he had a silly sense of fun and an eclectic sense of humour, and some of my happiest memories are of him proclaiming that the sponge pudding and custard would put the ‘skin on yer back like velvet.’ He loved music and liked to make up silly lyrics, and even though he passed away in 1997 I still remember every word to his version of ‘My Grandfather’s Clock,’ written in 1876 by Henry Clay Work. I’ve written it in the way that I remember him singing it to my sisters and I – he had a broad northern accent – so would say words like ‘me’ instead of ‘my’… While I am not expecting others to understand or even enjoy, this means a lot to me.

So, for a bit of a laugh, find the song on YouTube and I challenge you to follow the lyrics within the song!

Me Grandfather’s Clock – Alfred Elliott

Now me Grandfather’s clock,

Was a Waterbury watch,

It could live forty days without food.

With a small ‘at on its head,

And me father’s mackintosh,

It was dressed up like a Piccadilly dude.

Though it stood in the ‘all,

‘Cos the cupboard was so small,

And we ‘ad no place the food for to store.

So the butter and the eggs

And the little mutton legs,

We out them in me Grandfather’s clock

 

Now me Grandfather’s clock

Was me mother’s primulator,

And through the park in it we used to ride.

There was me and Polly Perkins, Liza Jane and Treacle Tommy,

Screaming Jimmy and the twins all stuck inside.

Now me Granddad, who was dead,

Changed his mind, got up instead,

And the sight that met his eyes gave him a shock.

For the man with the coal,

Couldn’t get it down the ‘ole,

So we put it in me Grandfather’s clock.

 

What about you guys? Are there any songs that mean a lot to you from your childhood?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/to-the-tune-of/

What Really Grinds My Gears

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It’s pay day and even though it’s the holidays I had to go into work to do some extra coursework with the students. On the way back I decided to treat myself and stopped at the local McDonald’s, where I promptly ate my food whilst catching up on Twitter and minding my own business. Suddenly something hit me on the back of the head. I turned around to see a child standing there and laughing – he had thrown some of his food at me and seemed to find it hilarious. His mother responded by simply whining at him “Jadeeeeeeen… Don’t dooooo thaaaaaaaat! You’re soooooo nauuuuuuuuuughty!” in a baby voice. I was tempted to stand up, dump the rest of my fries on his head and laugh back, but then I realised that it would have been a complete waste of food, and I hate that.I normally try and put a positive theme into my blog posts, but sometimes things (usually inconsiderate people) really irritate me.

I’m always reminded of the Family Guy episode where Peter hosts a news segment called ‘What Really Grinds My Gears,’ and so for today’s post I am going to do the same.

These are the things that really Grinds My Gears

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1. Eating popcorn with open mouths at the cinema.
2. Kicking the seats at the cinema.
3. Allowing children to run around at the cinema.
4. Spitting on the floor, particularly in the spot where I’m just about to walk.
5. Playing music so loudly from their car that it vibrates my whole body and the walls of my house.
6. Standing in front of me when it’s clear I’m looking at something – this applies to the zoo, museums, art galleries and shops.
7. Hitting me in the ankles with pushchairs.
8. Sneezing on the back of my head when I’m on the bus.
9. Weight comparisons.
10. Playing music on public transport – It’s inevitably awful music and I’ve been tempted to play some 80’s rock music in retaliation.
11. Lectures on any form of religion.

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12. Making a ‘duck face’ when taking photographs.
13. A complete lack of manners.
14. Only contacting me when somebody wants something.
15. Walking past me and telling me to ‘cheer up’ when I’m minding my own business.
16. Lecturing me on my job.
17. Interrupting me.
18. Racists.
19. Sexists.
20. Animal and child abusers.
21. Homophobes.
22. People telling me how much money they earn.
23. People who feel the world owes them something.
24. Stopping suddenly right in front of me and then tutting at me when I bump into them.

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25. Responding to an argument with ‘whatever.’
26. Talking down to someone in a service based job – waitress, barman, fast food restaurant, coffee house…
27. Making assumptions on my personality based on my accent. ( I have a thick northern English accent and some assume that I lack intelligence because of it.)
28. Assuming that accidental eye contact actually means ‘I want to sleep with you.’
29. Hypocrites.
30. People who don’t take no for an answer.
31. Nagging.
32. Borrowing something and not returning it.
33. Dropping litter on the floor.
34. Not picking up dog mess from the street.

And finally…

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35. Allowing a child to throw food and me without correcting it, disciplining it and offering an apology.What about you guys? What really grinds your gears?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog