A Lovely Christmas Eve

Posted on December 24, 2014 by suzie81speaks

It’s been a lazy Christmas Eve so far at the Suzie household. Mum and I woke and had a nice breakfast, followed by half a box of chocolates, I’ve had plenty of doggy snuggles and I’ve watched lots of pointless television whilst relaxing in my jammies and under a duvet on the couch.

During a moment of boredom I remembered that I had brought up a sequin covered Santa hat, and have been torturing the dog with it ever since. After initial indignation, Max eventually gave up and went to sleep. The resulting pictures were hilarious (for me, at least).

I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to visit the blog over the next few days, but I hope that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you’re happy and peaceful. May you have a lovely holiday season, filled with joy, laughter and cheer.

Alternative Ideas for Christmas Presents

Posted on December 22, 2014 by suzie81speaks

Warning: adult content

It’s the season for gatherings, celebrations and showing your loved ones how much you care by giving them meaningful gifts and over the years I have been extremely lucky to have been spoilt with things that have been thoughtful and useful from my family and friends.

While it is always important to remember to be grateful and remind ourselves that it it is the thought that counts, there are always those items that make us stop and scratch our heads when presented with them. A friend of mine once told me that she was given a book on tropical plant care from 1984 by a relative – it was a nice idea, except that she lived in a one bedroom apartment in the UK with no garden or even a balcony, where the climate is far from tropical, and she has never owned or maintained any form of plant life except a persistent patch of mould in her bathroom.

Have you run out of ideas? Are you looking to give entertaining presents to someone in your life? Here are a list of ideas from Amazon.com, along with a helpful review to assist you in your decision making.

1. A Gentlemen’s Ball Scratcher

Price: £11.67

Useful for? Any man who struggles with scratching himself in those hard to reach areas.

Review: I’ve been using the ball scratcher for almost a day now, but have to say that it should be used with care. It seems to have upset several of the people whose balls I’ve tried to scratch with it. Maybe it’s best kept for personal use. (Harold Moldsworth)

2. Sigmund Freud Action Figure

Price: £49.99

Useful for? Children who think too much, psychology students, Action Man fans.

Review: This Freud toy makes a perfect addition to my Action Man collection. Now, after playing with my Action Man figures, they can come back from operations for a session with the esteemed doctor and deal with any post traumatic stress they may be experiencing. He proved invaluable after a particularly vigorous play session, when my favourite Frog-Man Action Man nearly drowned on manoeuvres in the bath. After untangling him from the plug chain and reviving him with my Field Doctor figurine, a quick session with Sigmund and he was ready to go back out into theatre and tackle a dangerous black-op in the garden pond. The sessions did bring a few issues to the surface (from the barracks during basic training) but that in turn led to a better understanding of why he joined the Navy instead of the RAF; and also why he enjoys the feel of his rubber suit and gimp-like breathing apparatus so much. (The Truth)

3. Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross

Price: £2,500

Useful for? Those who are looking to transcend the drudgery of daily life and seek out enlightenment, Paul Ross enthusiasts.

Review: WOW! I’ve been looking for a 20 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross since my (completely inferior) 18 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross was damaged during a Barium Enema. Thankfully this Canvass really is excellent. The quality of print complements the sheer majesty of Paul’s cherubic face. For a while I considered mounting a large number of these on my ceiling to create a Paul Ross canvass ceiling but unfortunately I realised that this is what my wife would be staring at during our frenzied horizontal moments, and what kind of a man can compare to Paul Ross in the bedroom? “No-one” I hear you cry! I’ve ordered four of these now: One of them is above the fireplace and is naturally the pride of our entire home. On the second canvass I’ve cut out the section where Paul’s face is, and when I drive to pick up the kids I wear the canvass and pretend that I’m a famous celebrity dad, the kids simply love it. The third is purely for recreational purposes, I’ve cut a whole where Paul’s mouth would be because my wife has demanded that we French kiss through the hole (I want to point out that I wear the canvass for kissing, not her! Although I’d gladly turn for just one of Paul’s tender mouth hugs.) The fourth is a backup. In summary – hot shot city is a particularly good track. (Mr M.P. Corner)

4. Suduko Toilet Roll

Price: £5.99

Useful for? Those who view visits to the toilet as an educational experience.

Review: This product is an excellent idea, but ultimately flawed. At £6.95 a roll, I couldn’t bear to use any of the sheets until I had completed the puzzles on them. While my suduko skills have been improving with practice, the effectiveness of the product’s primary function was somewhat reduced after having to complete an hour or so of puzzle-solving before application. Also, Doreen was rather severely unimpressed when I proudly showed her my solution to a particularly tricky puzzle that I had salvaged from a watery grave. (Wayne Redhart)

5. The Vagina Colouring Book by Tee Corinne (crayons not included)

Price: £6.41

Useful for? Biology and erotic art students, aspiring illustrators.

Review: I bought the C*nt Coloring Book after coming across it in Stephen Fry’s latest memoirs “More Fool Me”. I was intrigued. Fingering through the book exposed bold, well defined vaginas of varying size and hair growth. The annual household game of Christmas “charades” is now replaced by a colouring competition. The winner receiving a packet of ginger nut biscuits and a jar of Branston original chutney. (David Curtis)

What about you guys? Have you got any ideas for alternative Christmas presents?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

How To Decorate Your Man During the Festive Season

Posted on December 16, 2014 by suzie81speaks

2014 has certainly been the year of the beard and photographer Stephanie Jarstad has taken this hairy celebration to a whole new level. While supporting Movember she created a project that would continue to highlight men’s health and prostate cancer awareness in the form of DecemBEARD, photographing festively adorned men in all their fuzzy glory. The results are superb.

Like what you see? You can purchase pictures of these bearded lovelies and more from Stephanie’s Etsy store in the form of Christmas cards and poster prints.

What about you guys? Do you decorate your loved ones during the holiday season?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks.

Photo Credits: Stephanie Jarstad

2014: A Blogging Review

Posted on December 13, 2014 by suzie81speaks

2014 is almost over, and it has been a roller coaster of a year. My blogging endeavours began in April 2013. I was experiencing a difficult time in my personal life and as I have always found writing therapeutic, starting a blog seemed to be the perfect solution.

Twenty months later, Suzie81 Speaks has grown above and beyond all expectectations and has become the most effective form of therapy that I have ever received. I have built up a community of over 9,000 followers and hit the 300,000 view mark earlier this month. This year in particular has been wonderful – I have been featured on Mumsnet several times (which I find amazing considering the fact that I don’t have children), I was lucky enough to be invited to a blog community meet up in Birmingham a few months ago and #SundayBlogShare, my weekly Twitter party that I started in October now has hundreds of participants every week. Above all, I have been able to communicate with a truly amazing group of people from all over the world, some of whom are now email and Facebook friends.

The process has been a huge learning curve, predominantly because I knew nothing about blogging when I started. Suzie81 Speaks does not have a theme or a niche – I like to have the freedom to write about whatever topic I am interested in at the time. Consequently, I have created a collection of varied and eclectic posts. I like to take the opportunity to review these regularly, deleting and editing where necessary, and recently I have created buttons for some of my favourites which you can see in the sidebar. I wanted to be able to share with you some of these with you – you are welcome to click on the images that take you directly to the post.

What about you? What have been your favourite posts from your blog over the last year? If you wish to share a link, you’re welcome to do so in the comment section below!

Santa Hats and a Sober Tree

Posted on December 10, 2014 by suzie81speaks

I think I enjoy the build up to the festive season more than the actual day itself. The German Market arrives in the city centre, encouraging us to consume enormous sausages (!!), hot gluhwein, crepes and pofferjies covered in Nutella, and endless craft based crap that we didn’t realise that we wanted until we saw it. Carols and festive songs appear in all the stores and on every television advert. I get to buy presents for everyone and celebrate with my favourite people. Work finishes for a few weeks. I love it. I love the excitement, the decorations that appear, the atmosphere. Aside from the occasional hot, sunny days that the UK receives every summer, this is absolutely my favourite time of year.

I decided to join in the festive spirit and decorate our tree. The Bloke and I bought a fake one (due to the fact that the cats would attempt to eat a real one) about five years ago from Argos, and each year we diligently take it out of it’s box and joke about the fact that it looks drunk. He set it up and put the lights on it while I was away at my mother’s house ready for my return on Sunday, but as I was feeling rough I didn’t tackle it until yesterday evening. Amidst the box of random decorations that we have collected over the years I discovered something that would provide me with hours of entertainment…

I found the Santa hats.

Two years ago I purchased three small Santa hats for the cats, and I consider the fact that I was able to get a photograph of all three of them sitting together and wearing them to be one of my greatest achievements of that year. Sadly, I lost one of the cats earlier in the year at the age of nineteen, so I decided that The Bloke needed to take her place instead (with an adult sized one, of course – we wouldn’t want him looking stupid, would we?). On went the hats, and out came the camera.

All of them were less than impressed, particularly Daisy when I decided to double my fun.

I eventually stopped laughing, The Bloke stopped rolling his eyes and I got my decorating on. I tried to spend a little more time on it than in previous years, attempting to space them all equally, colour coordinating etc, and after a few catastrophes with bits of tinsel and standing on a few stray decorations that had fallen on the floor, I stepped back to admire my masterpiece.

“What do you think?” I asked The Bloke. He turned his head to one side.

“Yup.”

Cheers for that dear. Upon closer inspection, it actually wasn’t too bad – for once my little tree seemed to be… Sober!

Win!

What about you guys? Have you got any silly traditions within your family during the holiday season?

You can also find my on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

If Suzie Were a Meme

Posted on December 3, 2014 by suzie81speaks

In her most recent post, the ever fabulous ‘The Bloggess’ introduced me to a new craze on the Internet, during which the subject is required to type their first name followed by the word ‘meme’ and see what appears on Google images. I decided to jump on the proverbial bandwagon, and this is what I discovered:

How did they know? I got my iPhone 6 the other day after my old faithful one promptly died on me after three years, and I have barely put the thing down!

Damn right.

I’ve never given anyone cooties (or anything else for that matter), but I did turn someone gay just by kissing them about eight years ago. Well, technically he was obviously gay before he kissed me, but he did choose the exact moment we locked lips to come out. I’m always pleased for anyone who has the courage to do so, I just wish he hadn’t told me mid snog. The mutual friend that we had gone out with that night had worked with him for years, and even she didn’t know.

I’m not sure why I would be annoyed at this… I’m always supportive of anyone who looks after their body. I show my support by sitting on my couch and eating crisps. I’m doing it right now.

Erm… Thanks?

Finally, did I ever tell you how much I love SpongeBob?

Give it a try! I’d love to see your results!

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.suzie81speaks.com

Excuses, Excuses

Posted on December 2, 2014 by suzie81speaks

Every registration in a morning is the same process: register students, check uniform, check stationery, give announcements, ask individuals to stay behind if they’ve got it wrong. I like to speak to them individually as it’s impossible to predict whether something bad has happened outside school, so it provides students to opportunity to talk without their peers being present. I like my tutor group and I have a good relationship with them so I find that we can talk to each other easily, but I do often have the same conversations and say the same things every single day to students:

“Why are you late?”

“Why don’t you have a pen?”

“Where’s your tie?”

“Why did you get a detention for…”

I’m also frustrated at hearing the same excuses every day:

“I woke up late”

“I forgot my PE kit so I had to go home and get it”

“I went to the toilet”

“I lost my bag”

The excuses are never original, the only difference being that it is a different child daily that gives them and after hearing them repeatedly for years I feel like I should be in the ‘Groundhog Day.’ These conversations are always followed by sanctions and phone calls home.

However, occasionally something will snap me awake and make me smile:

A few weeks before ago one of my tutor group was late. She’s twelve and I had seen her walking into school about thirty minutes before school started, so I already knew that her lateness was caused by her messing around on the yard with her friends. I decided to take a different approach with her. This was how the conversation genuinely went:

Me: Why are you late?

Child: (Thought for a bit) I had to take my little sister to school.

Me: Oh, I didn’t know you had a little sister. How old is she?

Child: Six.

Me: What school is she at?

Child: (named a school that is miles away).

Me: So if I were to go and ring your mother now she’d back you up?

Child: No, I’ve just remembered, I didn’t take my sister to school.

Me: Why did you tell me you did?

Child: I had a dream that I took my sister to school. I was confused.

Me: So you’re late because you had a dream you took your sister to school?

Child: Yes, I mean, no.

Me: So why were you late?

Child: I was on the yard and didn’t hear the whistle.

Me: Why didn’t you say that in the first place?

Child: (shrugs shoulders) dunno.

Most original and yet pointless excuse ever. Perhaps I should have showed her this quote:

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” ― George Washington

What about you guys? What’s the best lie you’ve ever been told by a child?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Back To Reality After a Wonderful Weekend

Posted on December 1, 2014 by suzie81speaks

It was difficult getting motivated this morning. I sat at my desk this morning, turned on my laptop and almost instantly a reminder popped up: data analysis due tomorrow. Eurgh. I like my job and I work at a good school, but after having such a brilliant weekend I was suddenly brought back down to reality with a big bump.

It was my birthday last Friday, and I’ve had a wonderful weekend of celebrations. My lovely colleagues treated me to Crispy Cremes, chocolate and cinema vouchers and they found it hilarious to all sign a One Direction card when they know how much I dislike them, which made me and my students roar with laughter when I opened it. On Friday night The Bloke and a large group of friends from all different areas of my life joined me for drinks at my local pub. It can be sometimes quite awkward when introducing groups of friends to each other, but everyone instantly connected and there was lots of laughter, some dancing and the odd spillage. I had a warm and fuzzy moment where I sat back and watched everyone as they were talking – I’m lucky to know lots of wonderful people…

Suffice to say, my hangover was of epic proportions on Saturday morning. I had woken up early as The Bloke left for the day to visit his family and couldn’t get back to sleep, so instead of wallowing in my own alcohol – laden filth I decided to make the short journey into Birmingham City Centre and attempt to make a decent start on my Christmas shopping.

Tip: When attempting to shop in the second biggest city in the country, do so with a raging hangover. I was feeling so awful that I was in no mood for politeness and taking things easy. My headphones were in, my heavy metal music was on, my elbows were out and I was like a woman possessed. I knew exactly what I wanted and where to obtain it from, and I was in and out within two hours. I returned home with everything on my list, and had even managed to buy myself an ‘it’s my birthday and I’m brilliant so I’m going to treat myself’ present in the form of a shiny new iPhone 6, which replaced my old faithful iPhone 4 that went to the electronic heaven in the sky last week.

The Bloke returned home later that day to find me in my jammies and lying on the couch under a quilt. The hangover had subsided a little by that point, and so we spent the evening watching ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ and eating pizza.

Sunday was the day I had been looking forward to all week: The Good Food Show at the NEC. It has become a yearly tradition for The Bloke and I as it always falls on the weekend after my birthday and I love it. We’ve established a routine – The Bloke stands back and pretends that he doesn’t know me as I run around and grab all the free samples that I possibly can, we buy lots of cheese, chutney and products by Crimbles, we watch a show and then go home before it gets too busy to move. This year was no exception – we arrived just as it opened and almost immediately I had a potato on a stick in one hand, some cocktail sticks that had been skewered with different flavours of cheese in another and was attempting to munch my way through different olives laced with beautiful oils, herbs and garlic without dribbling them down the front of myself. Classy.

We went to see the Hairy Bikers show (who, if you haven’t seen or heard of them before, are essentially two northern and heavily bearded chefs that ride motorbikes and create brilliant cookery programmes for British television), and I was delighted that The Bloke had managed to get tickets right on the front row. They didn’t disappoint, and even brought Louis, a contestant from the recent Great British Bake Off, to help them on stage. The food they created smelled beautiful, they entertained with their usual warmth and cheeky jokes, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

In my infinite wisdom I decided to finish off the last of my shopping after we left. It was early in the afternoon by the time I arrived, and it was utter chaos. I managed two stores and came home. Never. Again. I’ve decided to avoid town at all costs from now on unless I can get in early. However, my shopping is now nearly completed, most of my cards are written and all I need to do is put up the tree, torture the cats with their little Santa hats that I force them to wear every year and I’m all set. My weekly Twitter party, #SundayBlogShare was being guest hosted by Gene’O @sourcererblog and he did a wonderful job, and I checked it sporadically to see lots of new participants and hundreds of posts being shared. Brilliant. Thanks Gene’O, you’re a star.

This is why getting out of bed this morning was so tough. I needed another day or two to recover.

I also wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you who wished me a happy birthday across my social media sites. It was indeed a happy birthday, filled with lots of lovely people and experiences, and I have been thoroughly spoilt with cards and unbelievably thoughtful gifts.

So, back to reality. Anyone got a time machine they would like to lend me so I can go and do it again?

You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

The Cat Owner’s Guide To Wrapping Christmas Presents

Posted on November 25, 2014 by suzie81speaks

Items needed:

Presents
Wrapping paper
Ribbon
Gift tags
Scissors
Sticky tape
Two cats: Cat A that has decided he wants a cuddle and Cat B that has just woken up after sleeping for the majority of the day and is in the mood to play.

Instructions:

Step 1: Sit on floor in the middle of the room. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 2: Take out items needed from carrier bag, having previously purchased them that day from the only card shop in your local area amidst a fury of seemingly angry women and their screaming children. Stop Cat B from sniffing the scissors.

Step 3: Cut strips of sticky tape and stick them along the edge of the wooden coffee table to make the wrapping process easier. Stop Cat B from batting at the sticky tape.

Step 4: Remove wrapping paper from clear plastic film. Stop Cat B from attempting to chew this. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 5. Unroll wrapping paper and attempt to cut out required amount of wrapping paper on the floor. Remove Cat A from the middle of the paper. End up cutting out paper while standing up. Stop Cat B from batting sticky tape.

Step 6: Wrap present while Cat A sticks his nose in the middle of the paper. Avoid accidentally sticking Cat A’s whiskers to the paper when adding sticky tape. Notice that Cat B is shaking her paw furiously and realise that she has got a piece of sticky tape stuck to it. Remove sticky tape from paw. Remove Cat A from lap.

Step 7: Cut ribbon. Stop Cat A and Cat B from playing with the ends of ribbon.

Step 8: Write gift tag. Write another gift tag after Cat B, who is still on a personal mission to play with the ribbon, pounces and nudges the pen, resulting in a line across the original gift tag.

Step 9: Stand up to cut another piece of wrapping paper out. Sit back down and place wrapping paper on floor. Remove Cat A from paper. Stand up to cut another piece of paper after Cat A digs claws into paper during removal process, ripping a hole in the middle of it.

Step 10: Repeat Steps 6 and 7.

Step 11: Remove both cats from room and continue to wrap presents. Listen to Cat B cry loudly for ten minutes.

Step 12: Go upstairs after remembering a forgotten present. Upon your return, remove Cat A from carrier bag.

Step 13: Wrap present surprisingly easily. Spend ten minutes looking for pen to write gift card. Discover Cat B playing with pen on kitchen floor.

Step 14: Return to room to find Cat A chewing on the corner of the ribbon on one of the presents. Remove ribbon from Cat A’s mouth, only to discover a large patch of cat slobber on the corner of the paper. Re-wrap present.

Step 15: Give discarded ribbon to Cat A. Watch as Cat A sniffs it and walks away.

Step 16: Take out some gift bags to put presents in. Start to place presents in first bag. Remove Cat B from second bag. Stop Cat A from chewing on handle of third bag.

Step 17: Place filled bags in wardrobe. Sit on couch to write Christmas cards. Hear a faint cry from upstairs. Remove cat from wardrobe.

It’s a good job they’re cute…

Exhibit A: Daisy (Cat B)

What about you guys? Do your animals make a seemingly easy process much more complicated?

You can find me on Twitter and Tumblr @suzie81blog, and don’t forget to check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/suzie81speaks

Image 1 credit: newschoolnomads.com

Kitten Therapy

Posted on November 18, 2014 by suzie81speaks

The world is a busy place – our lives are filled with jobs, traffic, places, colleagues, family and children every day and many of us are living in a state of constant fatigue and stress. So what happens when a unsuspecting and stressed-out member of the the public sits in a glass box with a pair of headphones and a bunch of kittens? Have a look at this lovely video – as an avid cat lover (and owner of two) I think that every workplace should have a room filled with kittens!